A World Away
by wandb
Summary: Bella thinks military men are arrogant womanizers. That is, until she meets Edward, a hot and unpredictable Navy SEAL who quickly deploys for six months. Will he change her mind or leave her brokenhearted? Rated M for language and lemons. BxE.
1. Chapter 1 Beginnings

**This was originally an entry for the PPSS's An Officer and a Gentleman contest. Special thanks for them for rewarding this with a Judges' Pick award as well as an award for the most luscious non-lemon! **

**This is a full-length fic now, so I hope you'll stick around and enjoy it.**

* * *

**Part 1: Introductions**

**BPOV**

Alice had dragged me out, against my will I might add, across the San Diego Bay to a bar on Coronado Island called Mc P's. It was a local Navy SEAL hangout and Alice was notorious for liking Navy guys. Me? Not so much. They were typically cocky womanizers. Military guys had hit on me enough, and I'd seen enough hearts broken in their wake, that I knew to steer clear.

Nevertheless, I found myself sitting at a predominantly Navy bar with my best friend on a Friday night. The bar was dimly lit, presumably so nobody had any real idea what each other looked like. There were the typical bar attractions- pool tables, darts, big screen TV's, but Alice was all business. She wanted to find herself a hot SEAL.

Alice was a great friend. She and I went to college together and had been roommates for a few years. She was lively and spunky and kept me on my toes. I could be those things too, but on a more limited basis. Alice was a never-ending supply of energy.

We had lived in San Diego since college and it just so happened that both of us were single, which almost never happened at the same time. I had just gotten out of a series of short-lived and nightmarish relationships. Although I had some good stories that I was sure I would laugh about one day, I found the whole dating process tiresome. I didn't want to go out with random guys, pretending to be interested when all I really wanted to do was either go out with my friends or stay home and read FanFiction.

Alice, on the other hand, was a numbers girl. It was all about the odds. The more guys you dated, the better your chances of meeting your Prince Charming. She never seemed to tire of it and I couldn't understand it. Alice was too discerning to be considered a slut and she never got her heart broken. She was almost always the one to move on unscathed. Sometimes I envied her spontaneity and optimism.

I was well into my second drink when Alice got the brilliant idea to approach two guys who were perched at the bar. I had to admit that they were gorgeous, but hitting on guys so blatantly made me want to break out into hives. Alice, not one to take no for an answer, dragged me away from my comfortable chair over to the bar.

The guys were engaged in what appeared to be a friendly debate about the Padres' chances for a playoff berth when we approached. The blond, whom Alice was eye-fucking, was tall and extremely well-built. He had a friendly smile and seemed very genuine, at least at a glance. His eyes, a piercing blue, seemed to look right through me, causing me to blush furiously.

Then there was the redhead. Actually, his hair was more like highlighted, brownish-bronze. The light made the color hard to discern. Women would pay very good money for hair color like that. He was the typical, cocky military guy with a self-assured look about him. His face was angular and chiseled and his hair accented his gorgeous green eyes. He was stunning, there was no question about that, but I had no doubt that he knew it all too well. It wasn't that he didn't look nice, but he had that over-confident swagger about him which was a huge turn off for me. I could tell that he thought he was God's gift to the world.

_Ugh, not again._

Being Alice's wingman, I put on my happy face and made nice, while she turned on the charm big time. She was all smiles and giggles and Jasper, the blond, seemed to be falling for it hook, line and sinker. Edward, the redhead, made polite small talk and I realized then that it would be a very long, long night.

First impressions are often deceptive.

After about an hour or so, we, or should I say Alice, invited the guys back to our place to hang out. She and Jasper grabbed a couple of beers and immediately disappeared into the bedroom.

_I'm going to fucking kill her. _

So Edward and I smiled awkwardly at each other and sat on the couch with our own beers.

"So, how long have you lived in San Diego?" he asked politely.

"Since college." I looked around the room, desperately trying to find a way out of this awkward situation.

I was being rude, I knew that, but it was late and I was tired.

"Bella, I'm not going to attack you or anything. Let's just relax since it's obvious we won't be seeing Jasper and Alice again tonight."

I felt like the world's biggest bitch. He was actually being really nice and he didn't deserve to suffer with me and my issues.

"I'm sorry," I said lamely. "So, you're a Navy SEAL?"

He nodded. "Yep, for the last few years."

"When do you guys ship out? Don't you deploy sometimes?"

"Actually, it's funny that you should mention that. We're leaving in a week," he replied matter-of-factly taking a drink of his beer. I couldn't help but notice his full lips around the top of the bottle.

I felt bad suddenly. Not for ogling him but for what an incredible sacrifice these guys had to make for their jobs. Asking people to leave their friends, families, and homes for six months at a time seemed so unreasonable to me- an unfair sacrifice.

"Well, you guys get to keep in touch with your families while you're gone a lot, don't you?" I asked.

"Yeah, most guys do. I don't actually have any family." He looked down in his lap, pretending to pick a stray thread off of his shirt.

_What did he just say?_

"Why not?" I knew I was prying, but I couldn't help it.

I turned my body toward him, seeing him in a different light for the first time. A genuine sadness crossed his face. It was quite a contrast to his earlier swagger to see him looking almost vulnerable.

He really wasn't an asshole as I had assumed. He was sweet and interesting and, it appeared, quite lonely.

"I never knew my father. And my mother, who did the best she could as a single mom, died about two years ago from cancer," he said bluntly but I thought I saw sadness behind his eyes.

"That's horrible. What about aunts and uncles? Or Grandparents?" I asked empathetically.

He turned to me with a soft smile almost like _he_ was comforting _me_. He cleared his throat and told me more about himself.

"Well yeah, I have one aunt. She was a lot older than my mom and lives across the country. They weren't close, so neither are we. My mom's parents are still alive, but they are pretty old and they've got their own lives. Even after my mom died, they just did their own thing." He paused and took a long draw from his beer. He seemed to be thinking about something, but he continued speaking. "I feel like the guys I serve with are my family. Maybe not the family I was born into, but a family I fit with. Our squad is very tight. We have to be with what we do. I trust them with my life, and they trust me with theirs."

"I can see why you're so devoted. I'm sorry about your parents, Edward." Anything I said would sound contrived and lame after his confession but I wanted him to feel comfortable after opening up to me.

I curled up on the couch and listened intently to Edward talk about what had inspired him to join the service and the interesting places he had lived. He'd had an amazing life and I felt inexperienced by comparison.

I found myself completely intrigued by Edward, which if you'd asked me at the beginning of the night, I'd have thought impossible. He was no stereotype; I'd give him that.

Alice and Jasper finally emerged looking thoroughly disheveled. We said goodbye to the guys, exchanging phone numbers. The night had turned out dramatically different than I had expected. I was actually looking forward to seeing Edward again.

The next day, we had arranged to meet the guys at the beach on Coronado. The beaches there are pristine and the views are incredible. They walked up with their arms full of beach crap that they promptly dropped at our feet. Edward set his stuff down next to mine and smiled as he greeted us.

_Jesus, he's fucking hot._

Then he took off his shirt and I tried to close my mouth to hold back the drool. I couldn't stop staring at him and his unbelievable body. His chest and arms were muscular and strong, but not in a self-absorbed, body-builder way. It was more like he was healthy and strong and had the body that his intense training demanded. His board shorts hung low on his hips and the well-defined muscles there were sexy as hell. My impression of military men was changing by the second.

_Must. Stop. Staring._

Alice and Jasper were inseparable already, which I was happy to see. She deserved someone nice and he seemed to treat her well. Since they were joined at the hip, Edward and I found ourselves thrust together again- not that I minded.

It was a bunch of little things that made for a really fun day. We swam in the water and played in the waves. At one point, he shook his cold, wet hair on me as I lay in my chair and I screamed and chased after him, kicking sand on him.

Embarrassingly, as I chased him, I tripped on a beach towel and did a face plant into the sand. It was everywhere: up my nose, in my ears, in my mouth.

_Very smooth, Bella._

He ran over to me and crouched down next to me.

"Are you okay, Bella?" he asked, trying not to laugh.

I sat up slightly, spitting sand out of my mouth and trying to maintain some semblance of dignity.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Would you believe my last name is Swan? " I laughed slightly at the irony, trying to see the inherent humor in the situation. I must have looked ridiculous and certainly not swan-like.

He reached out a hand to help me up, chuckling at my comment. "Swan, huh? Really? As in graceful swans?" he asked, raising one eyebrow.

I took his hand as he gently helped me up. My nose was inches from his face as I drank in his scent and his breathtakingly beautiful face up close. He reached forward with his other hand like he wanted to help me brush the sand off the front of my body but stopped himself. Shame on me, but I would have let him.

_Right here Edward, in my belly button and… my cleavage…and a few other spots..._

Somehow I managed to get myself out of my Edward daze. "Hey, don't laugh. I've actually learned to accept it. It's pretty common knowledge that I'm a total klutz," I explained, filling him in on my bruised history.

"Beautiful like a swan but graceful like a new puppy," he said, still holding my hand to steady me as I continued wiping sand from my body.

_Did he just call me beautiful?_

"Yeah, a really clumsy new puppy," I joked back.

"Well come on, let's get you settled back down where you aren't a danger to yourself and others," he said, walking toward our things.

I had to wonder what someone as strong and able as Edward really thought about my clumsiness. He didn't seem too horrified or disappointed in me. I didn't want him to think of me as weak or a "damsel in distress." I could take care of myself.

But Edward didn't seem to look down on me at all or make me feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. It was the opposite. He wasn't arrogant about his accomplishments or his abilities. Yet, listening to him tell me about his experiences, I realized that SEALs had to be in some of the most intense and dangerous situations imaginable. Somehow knowing this made me feel immensely safe around him. It was unexpected and reassuring and I definitely liked the way I felt with him.

We headed home after the beach and agreed to meet at McP's again to hang out. The guys showed up, looking fucking unreal, and we played pool and darts and got to know them.

Edward continued to surprise me. He was intelligent and brooding and had a dry wit that cracked me up. He called me out on my shit and I loved his sarcasm. In addition, he had this crooked grin and he always looked like he was thinking something, which was incredibly sexy. I had never wanted to be a mind reader so bad in my life.

Edward leaned against the car at the end of the night as Jasper and Alice kissed goodbye. He had his hands buried in his pockets and we both tried not to stare at our friends.

I blushed and stared down at my shuffling feet trying to look anywhere but at Edward. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to kiss me. Really, I wanted him to do more than that but I knew better than to act on that instinct. He was leaving soon and I shouldn't get involved. I also didn't think I could handle rejection from the first person who I was so attracted to in like, EVER.

I didn't know if he'd want me and was too scared to risk finding out. So, even though we had been flirty all night, neither of us made a move. Perhaps we'd just be friends.

_Is that disappointment I feel?_

Alice and I spent the next several days hanging out with the guys in our free time. Each time I saw Edward, I learned to appreciate something new about him. After only a few days I felt like I knew him really well. It seemed incredible to me that it had been less than a week.

The night before they were set to leave on deployment, we all decided to go out to dinner and then back to our place. Alice and Jasper once again disappeared and I had no expectations that we would see them again.

Edward and I grabbed a couple of drinks and sat on the couch. We were close enough that I could feel the warmth from his body. It was comforting and enticing. I tried not to think about how badly I wanted to cuddle up next to him, or the fact that he was leaving soon.

Things had changed since the last time we were in the same spot. Instead of sitting there with a total stranger, I felt like I was sitting there with my best friend. My insanely hot best friend.

"I'm going to miss you, Edward," I said bluntly, taking a sip of my beer. "Who else will keep me on my toes?"

He chuckled lightly and flashed me his crooked grin. "I'm going to miss you too. But don't worry; I'll still be around to help keep your head on straight. We do have email, you know."

I sat up and smiled, feeling excited for the first time that night. "Will you really write me?"

"Of course. You can be like the family I left behind since I don't have any."

It broke my heart that Edward didn't have anyone else except for the people that would be on board the ship with him. I wanted to be that person he could come home to; the person waiting for him as they unloaded the ship. He deserved to have someone at home for him.

Despite being sad that he was leaving, I spent the rest of the night chatting with Edward about everything and nothing. Nothing seemed too trivial or too important. I was really going to miss him.

When it was getting late, Edward pounded on Alice's door to get Jasper.

"Come on, man," he shouted. "It's getting late. We've got to go."

Moments later, a clearly disoriented Jasper emerged looking like he could barely tell up from down and both Edward and I laughed.

"What the fuck happened to you?" Edward asked, laughing hysterically.

Jasper shook his head and tried to straighten himself up. "Shut the fuck up."

I stifled my laugh as we walked the guys to the door. Edward and I stood at the door as we came down from our hysterics. I was giggling and Edward cleared his throat and looked around awkwardly.

Nothing sexual had happened with Edward and me and I wasn't sure why. But, I certainly wasn't going to rock the boat. If he just wanted to be friends, then that was what we'd be.

_He's not going to kiss you, so don't get your hopes up._

And he didn't kiss me. But he did give me a huge bear hug and I felt so safe and warm in his capable arms. I wanted them around me a lot more. I would definitely miss him and I felt the tears coming to the surface.

_Fuck, not the tears. _

He pulled back once he realized I was crying and gently wiped the tears from my face. "Hey, don't cry," he sighed. "We'll still talk. All the time, I promise."

I nodded but was unable to form any words. What was wrong with me? It wasn't like he was my boyfriend or anything. I felt like an idiot.

"Goodbye, Bella," he said as he softly stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. He left our apartment, waving behind him.

"Goodbye, Edward," I replied. "Don't forget to write."

And then he was gone. The date was July 20th. Six months to go.

* * *

**Part 2: Letters from Afar**

_July 21st_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Miss you _

_Wow Bella, I wasn't expecting to meet someone like you. Hell, a week ago I didn't even know you. But it took all my willpower not to scoop you up and bring you with me in my duffel. I can't imagine six months without seeing you. _

_Anyway, we got settled in today. The ship is hot and stinky, but at least we're busy. Not having much space or any privacy will take some getting used to. At least I won't get into any trouble. _

_Can't wait to hear what you're up to. _

_Edward_

I sat at my computer smiling. He had written me, just like he said he would. I promptly typed my response, telling him how his absence had left a void in my life I wasn't expecting, a void I was finding I didn't want to fill with anything else. I hoped he would feel like the next six months were an adventure instead of a sacrifice. I asked him to write to me about the day to day life on a ship, since it was something I would never experience. And, I let him know that I'd be here when he got back.

What I didn't tell him was that the void I felt was an ache in my chest that I couldn't understand. I had only met him days before. We became friends and nothing more, but my heart was screaming at me that I was wrong. Yeah, I didn't tell him that!

Each day, the emails came in telling me about life on board the ship and all that he had been doing and seeing. Once again, no detail was too trivial and I was happy to be someone he could talk to and confide in. I sent him emails telling him about the local news and what was going on in San Diego. Simple stuff, really. But it meant a lot to both of us.

_August 5__th_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: I hate my job! _

_Ugh Edward. I work for the biggest bitch ever. I wish you had followed through with your plan to smuggle me on board. Life as a stowaway sounds remarkably better than my current life as my boss's slave. I hate office politics and wish you were here to give me some advice. Somehow, I can't see this being an issue for you. _

_Anyway, everything else is good. Miss you. _

_Bella_

It wasn't an hour later when my email showed a response from Edward.

_August 5__th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Re: I hate my job! _

_Hey there. It's the middle of the night here, but I'm still awake. Sorry to hear about your job. Rise above it, Bella. I know you can be the better person. And yes, I've dealt with the same bullshit. The Navy is extremely political. At least you don't have to salute her. _

_Sorry I'm not there to help. _

_Edward_

My routine was always the same. I'd come home from work, throw my things on the counter and log in to my computer. Had he written? What was he up to? Was he okay? He couldn't tell me any specifics about his work, so my over-active imagination feared the worst. All I knew was that he was somewhere in Asia. That really didn't narrow it down for me much.

_October 24th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Pretty Places_

_Bella, I can't tell you exactly where I am, but I can tell you that I've never seen water this clear in my life. I swear, it's the bluest in the world. We have to come back here someday. You'd love it. The only drawback is the heat. I feel like I'm standing on the sun. If the boat was stinky in San Diego, it must be REALLY bad now. _

_Anyway, just thought of you. I hope all is well._

_Edward_

A tropical place with Edward didn't seem so bad. In fact, it became the subject of many of my subsequent fantasies. Edward and I on a long beach with white sand and crystal blue water. On our honeymoon?

_Where the fuck did that come from?_

_November 26th_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: Thanksgiving_

_You should be here right now, not on a boat away from everyone who loves you. It's still warm here, although there are signs of fall. At least I have football to keep me company. I'm going to my dad's house today and cooking a big turkey- the whole enchilada. He can't cook at all, so I'll be on my own. _

_I wish you were here. The family you left behind misses you, especially on Thanksgiving._

_Bella_

My email chirped right away.

_November 26th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Re: Thanksgiving_

_Bella, are you saying that there's someone back home who loves me? (You don't have to answer that, LOL) It's always the holidays that make me miss my mom. But now, I miss you too. We're in a place that doesn't even know what Thanksgiving is and all of us are feeling homesick. _

_Jasper says hello. _

_Two more months. _

_Edward_

Thanksgiving came and went and I felt happy that Edward had me to care about him and remember him on the holidays. I sent him a care package with Starbucks coffee, cookies and little trinkets to remind him that he definitely had someone to come home to.

_December 25th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Presents_

_I bought you something today. We were in port and I found something that I think you'll love. Since it's Christmas, I thought you'd like to know. _

_I've been sick lately and somehow I don't think Jasper's nursing would compare to yours. _

_Merry Christmas. One more month._

_Edward_

I spent New Year's with Alice and my friend Rosalie. We went downtown, which was fun but was a total mob scene. The bars were packed and filled with people celebrating. I didn't feel like I had much to celebrate, but I went along for the ride.

Amazingly, Alice was faithful to Jasper. Not that I was surprised by Alice, but that their relationship had progressed so quickly. She felt she had won at the numbers game and hit the jackpot with Jasper. I agreed that he seemed really taken with her, which was smart on his part. Alice is wonderful. No amount of hand-to-hand combat training would stop me from kicking his ass if he hurt my friend.

I never really spoke about Edward much, so neither Alice nor Rose knew the depth of my feelings for him. Truthfully, neither did I.

Alice would occasionally try and get me to open up about my feelings for Edward or my continued lack of interest in dating. If it was anyone else, I might have been put off by the prying, but that was just Alice being her usual perceptive and persistent self. I was elusive though. How could I talk to her about something I didn't even understand myself?

Rose thought I needed to "dislodge the stick" I'd had up my ass for the last six months. I told her I just wasn't interested in dating any more losers. This was true. It wasn't like I was waiting for Edward exactly. I just didn't want anyone else. No one compared to the man I remembered and had grown so close to through emails. I couldn't get him out of my mind.

The drinks went down easily and it wasn't until I got home that I became incredibly sad and frustrated, the booze definitely not helping.

_Fuck the Navy._

Why should they be allowed to take people away from their friends and families for such long periods of time? Time you can't get back! Even in my inebriated state, I couldn't totally blame the Navy. Edward had joined and was committed and I had to respect that. He traded a piece of his life to protect the lives of others. There was a lot of honor in that.

I just fucking missed him.

_January 2nd_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: Last Month _

_I think I'm still hung-over. We all went out downtown for New Years, which was crazy and fun. Tell Jasper that he doesn't have to worry about Alice. Some losers were hitting on us, and Alice, who's usually very friendly, kindly told them to fuck off. I laughed so hard that I spit my drink out all over them. _

_I thought of you all night. What were you doing? Were you celebrating somewhere exotic?_ _I don't want you to be half a world away anymore. Thank god you come home soon. Do you know the date yet? _

_I hope all is well. _

_Bella_

I was growing impatient to see him. Six months didn't seem like such a long time before he left, but now it felt like a lifetime. I closed my computer and went to sleep. When I awoke in the morning, there was an email waiting for me in my Inbox.

_January 2nd_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Re: Last Month _

_I'm not sure I like the idea of random guys hitting on you while I'm across the world and unable to beat the shit out of them for you. Or would it be for me? Either way, I'm glad Alice took care of them. Jasper will be relieved. That boy is whipped._

_Happy New Year! _

_Edward_

It would be a happier New Year when he came home.

_January 7th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Coming Home_

_Guess what, Bella? I got my orders today and we're going to be coming home on January 30__th__. I'm so excited to see you that I can hardly stand it. Will you come to the base to greet me? I don't want to wait any longer than I have to. _

_Edward_

I was fucking ecstatic.

He was finally coming home. The past six months seemed like a lifetime. It seemed like forever since that night when he hugged me goodbye. I felt like something had been missing since he left and things would finally be okay. With him in San Diego, I knew they would be.

The week before he got home, I went on a shopping trip with Alice for some new clothes. Naturally, she bought a bunch of lingerie, but I just wanted to look good. I cleaned our place top to bottom. I was a nervous wreck.

_Why? It's just my friend Edward. _

I couldn't say why exactly. I just knew that he had become incredibly important to me and I couldn't wait to have him home. Most of our relationship had been established through emails. We'd only actually been in the same room with each other for a week and yet I felt infinitely closer to him now than I ever had. Closer than I did to most people.

Our emails gave me something to look forward to, an insight into his life. Each day when I'd see one in my Inbox, my heart would soar. I couldn't explain it, but the million little things that we talked about meant the world to me.

I wasn't entirely surprised at the depth of my feelings. Edward is an incredible guy and I missed him terribly. I knew he missed me too but I really had no idea the extent of his feelings. I knew he saw me as a close friend, family even, but would he want more someday?

The ship pulled into San Diego bay and although slightly cold outside, the sun was shining. All the men and women were in their uniforms at their posts. Seeing a ship come home was a sight to behold. He had told me the general vicinity of where he would be standing and I strained my eyes trying to find him, but I couldn't.

The ship moved painfully slow, inching through the bay toward the base.

_Can't that fucking thing get docked any faster?_

The ship docked and the men finished their duties as the families waited patiently- or in my case impatiently- on the dock. Then the men started filing out and it was mayhem as the people reunited with their families. There were babies crying and kids running and hugging. It was so sweet to see the faces of the families as they found each other.

I looked around frantically for Edward but I didn't see him. I paced back and forth and stood on my tiptoes, trying to see around the newly reunited families.

Then, just as I was about to seriously lose my shit, I saw him. He looked amazing in his uniform, which accented all of his best features.

_God, he's so fucking beautiful. _

I burst into a full blown run and practically tackled him before he even saw me.

"Oh my God Edward, you're home." I squeezed him tightly and his arms came around and squeezed me back, picking me up off the ground.

"Bella," he said, his voice cracking. "I'm so happy to see you."

It was perfect.

* * *

**Part 3: Homecoming**

We sat there spinning around and hugging on the docks for minutes. Edward buried his face in my neck, his warm breath tickling my skin. It felt so intimate. I felt like kissing him, but I didn't. I was just so unbelievably happy to see him.

He gathered his bag and we walked to my car.

"So, what's on the agenda?" he asked brightly.

"Well, I thought we could get you home so you can get unpacked and then we could go out somewhere. What do you think?" I asked hesitantly.

"Sounds like a plan," he said, smiling.

As we drove, I reached over and squeezed his leg. I didn't plan it, I just did it. I wanted to touch him and make sure he was real. His face lit up and he reached down and grabbed my hand and held it, not letting go.

It felt right.

We got to his house and I watched him unpack. Actually, I stared at him as he unpacked.

_Was he always this attractive? Holy crap!_

He caught me staring at him a few times, but I didn't care. I wasn't going to take my eyes off him.

We hopped into his car and drove downtown, where we ate a nice dinner overlooking the carriers in the bay. I loved the spot. The light shimmered off the bay and it felt majestic.

Suddenly, I was nervous. Something was different with us. We weren't acting like best friends, but more like a couple. I didn't know how to handle it. Of course, the thought of jumping him had crossed my mind, but I didn't want to screw up the best thing I had going by making inappropriate advances toward my best friend.

After we ate, we walked along the boardwalk and burned off dinner. The night was cold, but clear. He reached down and grabbed my hand and I smiled as he did it.

_Please don't let go._

He stopped abruptly as we walked and reached into his pocket, bringing out a small box. He looked hesitantly down at it before handing it to me.

"Do you remember when I told you that I bought something?" he asked.

I nodded as I took the box from his hand, smiling widely. I opened the lid and was immediately taken aback by the sight of a large amber pendant, encased in a silver setting, strung from a long silver necklace. "Oh my God, Edward, it's beautiful."

"I bought it from a street vendor. There were a ton to choose from, but I thought this would look good on you. It matches the gold in your eyes." He looked like he was on trial, nervous and awaiting my approval.

"There's more in there," he said, nodding toward the box.

I moved the pendant aside and there was a delicate charm bracelet with two charms on it. The first was a sand dollar and the second was a seal. I had to laugh, "I like these, they fit me."

"So, now you've got a seal for your wrist too."

I leaned in and gave him a hug, thanking him for the gifts. His arms moved around my waist and pulled me to him, holding me tightly. The nervous feeling from before surfaced again, causing me to pull away from his embrace, despite how incredible he felt.

_What's wrong with me? You want this, don't you?_

He drove me to my place and I invited him in. We grabbed a couple of beers and once again found ourselves on my couch. I had no idea where Alice was, but I didn't think I'd be seeing her for at least a week.

We talked as Edward peeled the label off his beer. The whole night things had been just as though he'd never left. We jumped right back into the way we were before, which surprised me given how long it had been since I'd seen him.

All of the sudden he stood up and held out his hand to me, pulling me to stand.

"Are we going somewhere?" I asked, jokingly.

He didn't talk, but stepped forward, just inches from me, his hands holding the sides of my face.

The last thing I saw was his head tilt to one side as he leaned in to kiss me. I closed my eyes and just let myself take it all in. He smelled sweet, yet masculine. His beautiful face was clean-shaven, but still a little rough on my face. His lips brushed mine with a gentle touch that made me ache for more.

I exhaled the breath that I didn't even know I was holding and reached up to pull him toward me.

He paused briefly and then kissed me again, this time parting his lips, letting his tongue brush my bottom lip. I opened my mouth to him and before I could second-guess what we were doing, we were locked in the most passionate kiss I'd ever had. His strong arms pulled my face to his as our breathing quickened with need.

He pulled back slightly, looking a little worried. "I'm sorry Bella, I just couldn't help myself."

_He's sorry? Jesus Christ._

"I'm not sorry," I confessed dreamily, and slowly opened my eyes to see his. "God, you're good at that."

He grinned as he pulled me into a huge hug. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to kiss you. I was afraid you didn't want me like that."

I took his hand and led him toward my room. I wanted to be with him and I had to hope that it wouldn't screw things up between us.

When we got to the bedroom, he shut the door and stalked over to me with lust in his eyes.

_Apparently he wants this as much as I do._

We slowly removed our shirts, seeing each other as couples do for the first time. He was strong and capable and most of all, loving. I allowed my hands to move over his firm body, drawing him to me with each touch.

My head tipped back against his hand as he weaved his fingers into the back of my hair. His other hand wrapped around my waist, pressing me to him. His kisses sent electricity whirling throughout my body and his touches set my skin on fire.

The look in his eyes, his quickened breaths, his touch and his obvious arousal was breathtaking. I couldn't believe I was doing this to him. Was it just me that he wanted or was it simply because he had gone so long without a woman's touch?

I was swimming in a sea of emotions and my body was on fire. This was happening with Edward, my Edward. And it was amazing and somewhat frightening.

"God Bella, you are so beautiful," he whispered in my ear, "I want you so badly. I've been dreaming about this since the day I met you. I just can't help myself."

I began to lower myself down his body, my hands trailing down his muscular torso as I kissed his chest, then stomach, then hips. My fingers dipped below the waistline of his jeans as I unbuttoned and lowered them. My eyes never left his intense gaze as I helped him step out of his pants, his erection springing free.

Slowly, as if through water, my hands moved back up his legs until I reached the top and wrapped my fingers tightly around his large, rock hard cock, earning me moan from deep in his chest.

My tongue slipped out and licked the tip of his cock, lapping up the fluid there. He tasted sweet, yet salty.

_Delicious._

In one certain move, I took him into my mouth and then slowly slid him back out, swirling my tongue around his tip.

"Fuucccckkk…Bella…your mouth…ahhh…so good," he muttered, while his hands carefully moved the hair out of my face so he could watch me.

His hips were tense as I skillfully worked him in and out of my mouth. His hands were firmly placed in my hair, gently guiding my movements. With each pass of my tongue on his shaft he would moan and grunt, encouraging me to continue. My hands moved to the back of his thighs as I took him deep into my throat.

"Bella…fuck…I'm gonna come…shit…" His body jerked and he forcefully came into my mouth.

I stood slowly once I had licked him clean and he wrapped his arms tightly around me.

"Jesus Christ, that was good," he said, then kissed me fervently.

He carefully moved us both to the bed. I lay down and pulled him towards me. We continued touching and kissing passionately. I felt his body weight rest firmly between my legs and could feel the wetness pooling between my legs.

_Please don't stop, Edward._

He supported himself with one hand, while the other slipped beneath the waist of my pants_._

"Can I take these off?" he asked softly.

I nodded and lifted my hips to help him, leaving me completely naked below him.

With nothing between us, he once again lowered his body weight onto me until we were flush with each other. His legs tangled with mine and he pressed his hips against mine, creating the friction we both wanted.

Edward's hands were all over my body as he placed a trail of wet soft kisses from my ear down the base of my neck. He continued lower and gently pulled my nipple into his mouth, causing it to harden. I sucked in a breath and arched my back at the intense sensation that his mouth was creating.

As each second passed, he moved lower and lower on my body, the anticipation and desire in me rising like a tidal wave.

"I need to taste you," he said breathily as his face hovered above my hips.

"Yes…please," was all I could manage to say.

His tongue darted out of his mouth, licking me slowly from the bottom to the top and my hips thrust up towards his mouth involuntarily.

"Oh God, Edward," I muttered, lacing my fingers into his hair.

With one hand stilling my hips, his other hand moved between my thighs, running his fingers slowly along my slick folds until he finally pressed his middle finger into me swiftly. At the same time, he licked my clit with his tongue and the feeling of it was almost too intense to take.

"Relax, Bella," he said, and then continued to suck and kiss me.

Each lick and thrust of his fingers brought me closer to my release, winding me tighter and tighter, until I thought I might explode.

"Oh God…shit…so close…fuck…" I screamed as my walls clenched down on his fingers and wave after wave of ecstasy crashed over me.

He smiled as he kissed his way back up my body, coming to rest beside me. He stroked my hair and kissed my neck and then passionately kissed my mouth. I hummed in response tasting myself on his lips and tongue.

He sat up and before I knew it, he had pulled a condom from his wallet and was rolling it onto his cock. His beautiful jaw clenched in anticipation and his eyes darkened with lust.

I opened my legs for him and he positioned himself between them hovering above my body, his hand guiding him to me. He moaned and brushed his cock up and down my slick flesh to coat himself with my juices.

I was frantic with need. "Edward please, I need you inside me," I panted.

In one powerful thrust, we were joined. Edward let out a powerful groan of pleasure as I writhed beneath him. I felt myself stretching to accommodate him and I reached around and grabbed his ass, pulling him in deeper. He lifted himself up slightly and looked into my eyes.

"Fuck…Bella, you feel so good…. Better than all my fantasies," he said breathlessly.

_Your fantasies, huh?_

I smiled and hummed back at him as he pulled almost all the way out of me and then forcefully thrust again. Each movement was deliberate and meaningful. All my doubts about Edward's feelings for me vanished. The way he caressed me made me feel worshipped and each gaze told me that this was much more than sex. It was love and it felt so fucking perfect.

We moved together, groaning and panting as I spiraled into bliss. My body tightened as my orgasm ripped through me. Edward had a proud look on his face as he watched me climax for the second time that night. He picked up the pace and then stilled as he exhaled sharply and came inside me. His beautiful face contorted in pleasure.

He lay on top of me, panting and kissing my neck and shoulders, his hands gently caressing my sides.

"Bella, I didn't know it could be like that. I've thought about being with you so many times. It's hard to believe that you're actually here, in my arms," he confessed, still recovering from his release. "I missed you so much. It feels so good to be home."

"Welcome home, Edward."

He was home, where he was supposed to be.

With me.

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**A/N: So, what did you think? Please shoot me a review and let me know. Also, if you're a new reader of mine, please let me know how you heard about my story. I'm always interested and want to be sure to thank anyone who's rec'ing my story! Thanks!**

**Also, I know it's tempting to keep reading now that the story is complete, but I love getting reviews along the way. It's like reliving the story through your eyes.**

**My betas, scsquared and Twihart, spent countless hours with me working through this and being my cheerleaders. So, THANK YOU! **

**I also had a great team of pre-readers who gave me a lot of great insight and opinions. So, to kimberlesk, jermak99, dana1779, PattinsonPeen (I love this screenname) and Sunfeathers, many many thanks! I really appreciate your help.**


	2. Chapter 2 Homecoming

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

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**Chapter 2- Homecoming:**

**EPOV**

Deployment is a strange thing.

There was a strange mix of excitement, anxiety, even fear. But there was also the thrill of the unknown and some underlying danger; the ever present sense of a drill turning into more. We enjoyed a healthy sense of competition and were all willing to do whatever our country needed us to do. I felt an enormous sense of pride and satisfaction.

At times, it was like being on auto-pilot though, pure muscle memory. My body moved and my brain didn't even have to show up. That's what extensive training does for you. We practiced, drilled, and trained until we didn't even need to think to perform. Our training was finally being put to use and we could become the true soldiers that we all strived to be.

Then there were times when the loneliness was so overwhelming, it engulfed me. Times where I wished I could leave my brain at the door and be numb. Those were the times I thought about Bella… missed Bella.

Jasper and I had talked a lot about Bella and Alice when we were deployed. He was one of the only people who knew me well enough to know what a huge deal it was for me to even contemplate a relationship with Bella. I hadn't had many relationships, and the ones I did have weren't successful. Both the demands of my job and my reluctance to commit contributed to my somewhat sordid past with women. An occasional hookup was all the commitment I wanted.

Bella was different. She was beautiful; physically my ideal. There was nothing false or pretentious about her. She got to me more than any woman ever had. We had grown closer in the last six months, yet still, she was an enigma. I couldn't quite figure her out. I didn't know what she thought of us and if I hadn't been such a complete pussy, I'd have kissed her when I had the chance. Instead, we were in a sort of limbo. Were we friends? Were we more? I knew I wanted to be more, but I had no idea what she thought.

Bella wasn't someone who rushed into things, especially with someone whose work took them away for extended periods and into somewhat dangerous situations. I knew she didn't take my situation lightly and I didn't want to scare her away.

I hadn't expected to meet someone like her, especially not so close to the time of my deployment, but I guess you can't plan for those things. The emails and care packages made me feel that much closer to San Diego and especially to her.

I didn't feel like I was a world away when I talked to her. It felt like we really formed the foundation of a great relationship. I could be myself with her and there weren't many people with whom I felt that way. There were always undertones that made me wonder what she wanted from me… from us and I wasn't entirely sure of her feelings.

The uncertainty of it all made the months apart seem to crawl by, each day longer than the previous one. I wanted to fucking see her again and when I did, I wouldn't fuck it up and be too afraid to tell her how I felt. I just hoped that when I did reveal my true feelings for her, it wouldn't ruin what had quickly become a very important relationship to me.

The boat pulled into shore and I could see the buildings taking shape; the curves of the harbor leading me to her. She had promised to be on base to greet me and I was so excited I could hardly stand it. Each time I had deployed previously, I watched as the other guys' families greeted them with a tinge of envy. Having someone back home made everyone feel more normal. I never had that until now and I finally understood how they felt. The anticipation was killing me.

We finally docked and I stood frantically looking for Bella, yet trying to appear calm and collected. I had waited six long months and I was finally going to get to see her and hold her in my arms again. I didn't see her, though, and I began to worry. Did she forget? Did something happen to prevent her from coming? Or worse yet, did she change her mind?

I was deep in panic mode when she tackled me. I instantly buried my face in her neck and hair and her scent engulfed my senses, transporting me back to the carefree days of summer, right before I left. She felt so good in my arms and I didn't want to let go of her. All the feelings I had for her rushed to the surface and my confusion over the situation dissipated.

_I want her. _

The rest of the day and night blended together as I fought to catch up on lost time. I wanted to hear about her life, what she'd been doing, how her job was going. I wanted to know the little things that I'd missed so I tried to recover lost time with her. She smiled brightly as she told me story after story of all that happened while I was gone. Some of the stories I already knew from her emails, but it was fun to hear her tell them just to see her face light up. I felt insanely jealous of her friends, who had been there each day with her.

By the time we got back to her place, I had used up my last bit of restraint with her. All night I had watched her lips move as she talked and ate, picturing them on me. I watched her delicate fingers move, wanting them on me. Even as we held hands, I could feel the sparks between us and it was driving me crazy. I didn't want to be just her friend. I wanted much, much more.

I didn't think she would make the first move but she had given me reason enough to believe she felt something. If she felt even a fraction of what I was feeling it would be worth it. I kept waiting for the right moment to bring it up.

We were talking on the couch in her house when I lost it and was completely overcome with need for her. I stood up, pulling her into me and gently, but eagerly, kissed her. I half expected her to protest, but I hoped she wouldn't.

Her lips were so soft and perfect. Our tongues mingled with each other and with each passing second, I was becoming more and more in awe of her. No amount of fantasies could compare to the way she felt in my arms and how her body melted into mine. And believe me, there were plenty of fantasies.

By the time we moved into the bedroom, it was like everything else disappeared. I wanted to show Bella how I felt, since I knew there were no words to describe it. Communication wasn't exactly my strong suit.

I let my guard down and allowed myself to just live in the moment. Whatever fears and concerns I had went right out of my mind. It was just Bella and me. It felt so amazing to be so free with her. Our bodies moved so well together and the sensation of being inside her brought out unfamiliar feelings that I didn't quite know how to handle. She brought out a softer side of me that few people ever saw.

In that moment, as we made love, I realized that this was where I was meant to be. All the loss and heartache that I'd suffered in my life led me to this place, with this woman. All the loneliness that I'd felt after my mother's death was gone when we were together. Bella had filled a void in my heart and I would be forever altered because of it.

I realized that I had everything to lose. I didn't want to fuck things up with her, but I had no idea how to make this thing with us work. She had become so important to me over the last six months and I was worried that she'd wake up one day and decide I wasn't worth the heartache; that having to wait for me while I traveled all over for my job was simply too great a sacrifice. I'd seen it happen before.

I didn't want to dwell on anything negative, so when she invited me to stay the night with her, I readily agreed. There was no way I was leaving her side after finally getting to this point with her. It had been a long six months and I wanted to make the most of every moment I had. She cuddled up in my arms as her breathing slowed in a heavy rhythm, her chest rising and falling against me as she slept peacefully.

I was fucking blissful. And more than a little bit scared.

In the middle of the night, I was awoken by Bella's hands running all over my body followed by wet, warm, open mouthed kisses. I heard murmurs of her appreciation of my form but I couldn't comprehend much other than the pleasure she was lavishing on me. It felt so amazing. I thought for sure I was dreaming until I felt Bella roll on the condom and engulf me in her searing heat. I spent the next half hour loving her in the only way I could, trying to show her how much she meant to me. We both collapsed into a deep sleep afterwards.

The sun came up and I groaned at the intrusion, wanting to stay locked away in my little Bella bubble for as long as I could. I reached over to pull her close to me, but the bed was surprisingly empty. Sitting up and scratching my head, I looked around the room to find her, but she wasn't there. I could see the light shining under the bathroom door and hear the sound of a shower running. The image of Bella in the shower caused my dick to become impossibly hard, which I was sure was going to be a common occurrence now that I was back in town and not on a ship with a bunch of sweaty guys.

I swung my feet over the side of the bed and rubbed my eyes as I made my way to the bathroom. At first, my intention was just to peek in to satisfy my overactive imagination, but when I saw her in the shower with her head back, the water cascading down her body, I found myself slowly walking into the room.

The bathroom was filled with steam and she had her eyes closed, enjoying the heat so she didn't see me until I had already stepped in to join her. Her eyes grew dark as I watched them move up and down my form.

_She's checking me out._

The feel of her eyes on me affected me deeply and I couldn't stop my own eyes from exploring her delicious curves that I had explored thoroughly the night before, warm and pink from the steady stream of water.

_Damn, I'm a lucky bastard!_

"Sorry, you looked lonely in here," I hummed as I slipped my hands around her waist, "and very sexy."

She hummed and a smile crept onto her face as she wrapped her hands around my neck, moving closer to my body "Mmmm, I can think of a lot worse ways to spend my time than with a sexy SEAL in a hot shower. That's for sure."

She tilted her head up toward my face as I leaned in and kissed her softly. Her fingers moved into my hair as she pulled my face to hers, deepening the kiss. I let my hands slide down her back, coming to rest on her ass, pulling her hips into me. I was painfully hard by this point and she moaned into my mouth as she realized just how excited I was. My need for her was insatiable and I had a feeling it would always be this way with Bella.

"Well, looks like someone's awake," Bella said with a smile as she slid her hand between us and wrapped it around my cock.

I hissed at the contact and pulled away slightly. The sight of her fingers wrapped around me almost made me come but I quickly regained composure. It had definitely been too long since I'd been with a woman and Bella seemed to have an owner's manual on exactly how to work my body.

"Bella…" My voice was deep with lust as she began to move her hand slowly up and down my length, "That feels _really_ good. I'm not going to last long like this."

"Don't worry," she said playfully, "I know where you live. You can owe me one."

She gently turned me around so that my back was facing her chest. I glanced over my shoulder to see what she had in mind, but she huffed and motioned with her hand for me to turn around. Within seconds, I felt her breasts pressed against my back and her soapy hands glide around my body from behind, around my waist, slipping over my muscles, sending electricity throughout my body. Her hands moved up my chest, fingers clutching at my skin, and then slowly back down. I threw my head back and sighed, just enjoying the sensation. Inch by inch, her hands descended until they reached my thighs. With her fingers spread wide, she slid her hands down to the middle of my thighs and then back up again, wrapping them both around my cock on her ascent.

My eyes shot open and I couldn't help but watch as she stroked me. I rested my hands on the side walls of the shower to give me leverage as I thrust myself into her palms. Her hands were slippery with soap and she used just the right amount of pressure to drive me crazy.

"Oh God, Bella," I moaned, feeling my muscles tighten as my impending release neared, "I'm so close."

She kissed my back and hummed as I once again focused on her hands and what they were doing to me. The sight pushed me over the edge and I screamed out as I came in powerful spurts.

Still recovering, I turned in her arms and captured her face between my hands, "Wow, I must have done something really right to deserve that." I lowered my mouth to hers and kissed her.

"Mmm-hmm, you did," she said, pulling back to look at me, "You came home."

I didn't think I'd ever get enough of being with Bella. We toweled off and I promised her that I'd return her favor later, something I definitely looked forward to doing.

Bella had the entire day off work so we could spend time together. Being gone for six months, I needed to do some shopping and thankfully, Bella was willing to come along for the ride. I enjoyed every minute alone with her, even doing something as simple as shopping. At one point though, after we were done with my errands and were walking around downtown, she asked me about my mother and I immediately shut her down, snapping at her, not wanting to reopen that wound. She looked at me, her expression a combination of shock and hurt, and I felt like such an asshole. I never wanted to see that look again.

It was hard for me to balance how incredible I felt with this amazing woman with how closed off I could be. On one hand, she made me feel things that I didn't know I could feel. On the other hand, I was trained every day to be emotionally removed. A soldier has to be able to bury certain emotions and I was very good at that. In a way, being a SEAL was perfect for me in dealing with my tremendous losses. It enabled me to shut off those parts of me that hurt. I didn't want to do that with Bella though and I was unsure how to change. It worried me.

That night, we had plans to go out with some of Bella's friends whom I had yet to meet. In addition to Alice and several other girlfriends, she had quite a few guy friends, about whom she'd been quite candid in our emails. Some of them were co-workers, some she knew from college. I trusted that Bella wasn't romantically involved with any of them, but I resented other guys spending time with my Bella when I couldn't. I hated that I felt like some crazy, irrational boyfriend because I had never felt like that before. It just wasn't who I was, but I had also never felt so strongly about a woman before. Perhaps it was that they were here when I wasn't that bothered me so much, but each time I thought about it, I got more and more annoyed.

I tried to put it out of my head as we walked into the bar to meet them. Bella was excited for me to know more about her life. The bar was very loud as they had a live band playing retro rock music. It was still too early for the dance floor to be hopping, but I knew once we had a few drinks we'd be out there. Alice and Jasper were meeting us here, as well as my friend Emmett, so I didn't feel outnumbered in the group of people I had never met.

"Bella, you made it!" Alice squealed, running to give her a hug. I glanced past her and noticed that Emmett and Jasper were already sitting at the large table in front of us. A blond woman, who was later introduced as Rosalie, sat talking to Emmett but the rest of the chairs were empty.

"Where's everyone else?" Bella asked as we approached the table, noticing the empty chairs.

"Jacob, Mike, and Sam are on their way," Rosalie said, "I just got a text from them."

_Jacob, Mike, and Sam. Fucking great. _

I introduced Emmett to Bella and we sat down and poured ourselves a beer from the pitchers on the table. I needed a beer to get through this.

A few minutes later, the other guys arrived and I pounded my drink before standing to introduce myself.

"Hi, I'm Edward," I said as I shook Jacob's hand.

"Ah, Edward," he said with a smirk, "we've heard a lot about you."

I felt a twinge of happiness knowing that Bella had talked about me to these guys. They seemed nice enough, but it bothered me that they had access to a side of Bella that I didn't. They knew things about her that I didn't yet know.

It didn't help that I caught Jacob checking Bella out on more than one occasion. She looked amazing; I had to hand it to her. She wore very tight fitting jeans and a loose top that showed off her curves perfectly. She was oblivious to Jacob's ogling, of course, but as a guy, I knew what was going on in his head and it pissed me off.

After making small talk for a while with Bella's friends and pounding several drinks to ease my anxiety, I pulled her onto the dance floor. I didn't want to let my annoyance ruin my time with her. Bella started swaying to the music and I slid my hands around her waist, while hers came up around my neck. I pulled her close to me as I slipped my leg in between her legs, the top of my thigh pressing against her heat. My body reacted to her proximity and I pressed my hips into her, seeking friction.

"You know, Bella, you introduced me as your boyfriend to Rosalie," I started. "Is that what I am?" The words she had spoken earlier were not lost on me.

She suddenly looked concerned, "Should I not have said that?"

I kissed her reassuringly, "Actually, I liked it."

"Good, I was worried that it was too much." She squeezed me tighter. "I'm so happy that you got to meet my friends tonight, too."

_Oh yeah, her friends._

She must have felt me stiffen at the mention of them because she pulled back to look at me, "Edward, you don't have anything to worry about. You know that, right?"

I nodded and kissed her shoulder, not knowing how to respond. I _did_ know that she was just friends with them, at least my logical side did. But, I found myself being short with them and I couldn't help it. The whole situation bugged me.

"I'm serious, Edward. You haven't been yourself tonight and I want you to feel secure about my friends. I thought that you would like them and vice versa."

This night was not going how I planned. "Bella, I do trust you and I'm sorry if I'm being an asshole. This is new to me and you're just so beautiful and smart and funny. It makes me a little crazy to know that other guys are such important people in your life. I know it's unreasonable. I'll get over it, just give me some time."

She nodded and relaxed against me again, her hands roaming through my hair.

"Mmmm Bella, you feel so good," I whispered into her ear.

She smiled and kissed my cheek, "Don't forget that you owe me for earlier because I fully intend to collect on that debt."

Now it was my turn to smirk, "That's one debt I'll happily repay."

We made our way off the dance floor back to the table where everyone was sufficiently buzzed. Emmett had made the moves on Rosalie and they looked quite cozy. Alice and Jasper laughed openly with the other guys, who were also quite loud. I wished that I could put aside my worries about them, but I wasn't used to feeling threatened and I didn't like it. The drinks that I thought would ease my fears only seemed to fuel the fire.

"Are you ready to leave, Bella?" I asked into her ear after we'd been sitting for a few minutes. "I have some plans that don't include your friends."

A wide smile crossed her face and she turned and gave me a quick kiss, "Let's go," she whispered.

We said our goodbyes and the anticipation mounted on our drive home. She had planned to stay at my house and I couldn't wait to have the entire night together. I wanted to wake up with her in my arms again.

"I'll just put your things in the bedroom. Please, help yourself to whatever you'd like in the kitchen," I said, walking towards my room.

I set her things inside the door and turned around and before I knew what hit me her arms were around my neck and she was kissing my cheek.

"A little anxious, are we?" I asked playfully. The truth was that I was equally anxious. Ever since the night before when we'd made love for the first time, I'd craved her touch. It was practically all I could think about.

"You said to help myself to whatever I'd like," she replied between kisses.

I walked us slowly towards the bed, never breaking contact as the passion between us heated up. We both knew what we wanted; there were no words that needed to be spoken.

We quickly undressed each other and my hands began exploring her beautiful body. I wanted to know every inch of her. She lay back on the bed, naked and vibrant and I followed her, coming to rest beside her.

Despite being ridiculously hard, I wanted to repay my debt from earlier. I wanted her to feel the pleasure that she had given me. With her watching me, I slowly kissed my way down her body until I reached her hips, the scent of her arousal permeating my senses. My dick twitched in anticipation as my hands reached the top of her thighs.

She moaned and thrust her hips upward, encouraging me. I teased her with gentle kisses on her hips and inner thighs, careful to avoid where I knew she wanted me the most.

"Tell me what you want, Bella," I said, brushing my rough cheek against her inner thigh, causing her to shiver.

She moaned as she said, "Oh God, Edward, please."

"Please what?" I continued to tease.

"Touch me."

With that, I let my tongue lightly brush against her wet folds, coming to rest on her clit, earning me a throaty moan. I stroked her inside and out with my fingers and tongue, tasting her sweet juices. The noises that Bella made when she was in the throes of passion spurred me on and I would do whatever I needed to do to hear them as often as I possibly could.

I continued to kiss and lick her until her orgasm overcame her. My dick was now aching and throbbing, needing more.

"Bella, I need to be inside of you," I said breathily as I made my way back up her body, now hot from exertion.

She spread her legs wide for me, allowing me to align myself with her, completely submitting to me. I quickly pulled a condom from my drawer and slid it on. Using my hand as a guide, I pressed into her, both of us moaning at the sensation of being so intimate.

All my fears and worries disappeared when we were together like this. I knew it was right. I knew it was primal and unnecessary, but there was a part of me that enjoyed knowing that no matter who her friends were or how they looked at her, it was me that she shared this with. It was me whom she allowed to love her.

Each movement we made solidified her place in my life, completing me where I had been so incomplete before. I realized that I had allowed the pain of loss to build a wall around me; a wall that would protect me, but would also prevent me from feeling the joy I felt now. But old habits die hard, as I had seen earlier with my harsh words. As Bella and I lay together, falling asleep in each other's arms, one thought kept floating around my head.

Don't fuck this up.

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**A/N: Aww, poor Edward! Bella's turned his whole world upside down and he doesn't know how to handle it.**

**Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up. I went around and around with the plot and finally settled on what I wanted. **

**Please be sure to drop me a review and let me know what you thought! I appreciate all the feedback very much. I read and respond to every review!**

**I will be offering teasers for reviews as an incentive!**

**Also, it's been brought to my attention that this story resembles in some way GreenEyedGirl17's story Silver Strand Nights. She and I have spoken and any similarities are purely coincidental. **

**Special thanks to scsquared, TwiHeart, Sunfeathers, ellierk and Jermak99 for all their help putting this together. Like I said before, I've been around and around and I simply couldn't have done this without them! **


	3. Chapter 3 Uncertainty

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.

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**Chapter 3- Uncertainty:**

**BPOV**

February is a cool and dreary month in San Diego and I was looking forward to a lazy Saturday, curled up with a cup of tea and a good book in my quiet apartment. Alice had gone shopping and I had a few precious hours to myself. I heard the key turn in the door and knew that my quiet and peaceful sanctuary was about to be hit by a hurricane. Hurricane Alice.

_All good things must come to an end. _

Alice bounced into the room, carrying at least six shopping bags filled with God knows what. She had a glowing smile on her face and I knew she was up to something.

"Wow, you really went all out," I said, standing to help her with her things. She handed over a few bags and dropped her purse onto the table in the foyer.

"Bella, we're going out downtown tonight and I want to look hot. Now come on let's get ready!" Alice treated every night out as if it was the Oscars and more often than not, I was caught in the madness. I loved her like the sister I never had, so I went along with it most of the time. I had to admit it though, I did want to look hot for Edward, and as much as it pained me to say, I needed Alice's help with that.

I went into the kitchen and poured us both a glass of wine. If I was going to be completely made over by a five foot tall pixie, a glass of wine would definitely help.

Alice was painstakingly curling each strand of hair on my head, but I could tell that there was something on her mind. Usually when I succumbed to Alice's makeovers she looked like an artist lost in her canvas but instead she was all keyed up and fidgety. I was worried she was going to glue false eyelashes to my upper lip or burn me with the curling iron.

"Alice, just spit it out. You're making me nervous." I glanced up at her in the mirror with my eyebrows cocked.

"Have you talked to Edward about what's going on at his work?"

_What is she talking about?_

"Not really, no. Why? What's going on?" I asked, confused.

"He hasn't talked to you about it? I'm sorry, Bella. Maybe I shouldn't be saying anything." She looked unsure and surprised.

"Alice…" I was getting irritated with her cryptic talk.

"Okay, I'll tell you what I know, which isn't all that much. I was actually hoping you would have some answers. Jasper has been talking about deployment again and although he's not sure exactly when it's going to happen, it does appear that they will be leaving soon."

My heart sank. Edward and I had just gotten in a comfortable groove. Things were going well and I felt like we were really making progress. I didn't know how I could handle him leaving. It was especially hard since he hadn't talked to me about it. I hated hearing this news from Alice and not from Edward.

_Why hasn't he told me? _

"Alice, he probably doesn't want me getting all worked up over something that isn't even definite and is completely out of my control." The truth was that it was already too late for that. Just hearing the word 'deployment' put a knot in my stomach. This was the life of a military girlfriend, though, and I knew what I was getting into when I started dating Edward.

_So much for a carefree night out._

She took a sip of her wine, and sighed, "I don't want Jasper to leave. It feels like they just got back and things have been going so well. I know you feel the same way about Edward. I just…I keep telling myself that it won't happen…but…I'm just sad."

I gave her a big hug and could almost feel the anxiety pouring off her, "It'll be fine, Alice. It'll be fine." Maybe if I repeated it enough times, I'd believe it too.

Although I had gone through the motions with Alice, for some reason it felt like I was watching this happen instead of living it. I needed to wrap my head around this latest news. I honestly couldn't handle thinking about another separation. The last one had been so hard and we weren't even really together then. What would this one be like?

_Oh God! What if this deployment is longer than the last one?_

At 7:00 on the nose, the doorbell rang and the gang arrived. I let Alice answer the door as I was still shaken from our conversation. I didn't want this to ruin our night, especially since nothing was set in stone.

Rosalie and Emmett had been dating since they met last month and arrived with Edward and Jasper. Alice and my apartment was the natural choice to meet since it was downtown and we could walk to the restaurants and bars, not to mention parking was free and a lot easier than the busy streets and parking garages. It overlooked the San Diego bay with floor to ceiling windows. The view was spectacular and one of the main things that attracted us to that apartment. Directly opposite us were the aircraft carriers on Coronado Island and the base where our guys would soon find out their fate.

I was leaning against the railing on our balcony when I felt Edward's arms around me. I leaned into his embrace and sighed.

I thought about the last month and all that had happened between Edward and me. When we were alone or in a small group, things were wonderful. He was sweet and funny. He was himself. However, he was obviously jealous of my guy friends, despite the fact that our relationship was very strong. I tried to be understanding and reassure him, but I guess he just needed time. I'd always had a lot of guy friends and never thought twice about it. Edward kept saying things about how Jacob or Sam looked at me, but I knew better. I had known Jacob for a long time and we often talked about his love life. I knew that there was no way he was interested in me. He was like a brother to me and so was Sam. Edward had different feelings on the subject and I knew that there was no way I was going to talk him out of it.

There was one night in particular when things went really bad, really quick. It started out as a simple happy hour on a Friday night. Jacob, Sam, Rosalie and I finished work at about 4:30. We all worked together at a commercial bank downtown and headed to a local wine bar, which was always happening on Fridays. Edward and Emmett were going to meet up with us, but before they did, we had already drank a few glasses and were feeling quite buzzed. We were having a really nice time, laughing and joking, just happy to be off for the weekend.

Rosalie, being extremely open about all things sexual, started a sort of twenty questions game with Jacob and Sam. They got to ask us questions about what women like and then we asked them questions. At first, it was simple things, but as the conversation went on, we got into more about what really goes on in guys' heads during sex. I thought it was funny and harmless, but Edward walked up at the wrong time and I could see the steam coming out his ears as he heard what we were talking about.

I was used to being one of the guys. It never occurred to me that Edward would get upset that we were talking about sex. It wasn't like I was divulging anything specific about what we did together. I caught him shooting daggers with his eyes at Jacob and Sam and I felt horrible. It wasn't their fault. But, being guys and not appreciating Edward's attitude and obvious contempt, they egged him on. They made it seem like there was more to our conversation than there really was.

_I hate testosterone at times. _

"So Eddie, we were just schooling Bella here on certain aspects of the male, uh, mind." Jake laughed, pointing to his lap. "I don't know how I let her go around all these years lacking some basic knowledge. Maybe it's something you need to help her out with."

"Yeah well, why don't you leave that to me," Edward said icily, the look on his face clearly an indication of his irritation.

I pulled Edward away from the table in an attempt to smooth the waters. "Edward, I don't know what you heard there but it was harmless. We were just joking around. Talking hypotheticals."

"Jesus, Bella," he said, running his hand through his hair. "I don't want to be a dick, but I can't say that it makes me happy to walk up to a table where my girlfriend is sitting with a bunch of guys talking about sex. Guys don't need any encouragement whatsoever to think about sex, let alone discuss it with a gorgeous woman. I can only imagine what was going through their minds when you spoke. It just doesn't sit well with me."

"Edward, it was harmless." I grabbed his hand so he would look at me. "I mean, Emmett laughed it off, why can't you?"

"I'm not Emmett," he said coldly. "And those guys aren't looking at Rosalie the way they look at you."

_Not this again._

"They're my friends. That's it. They aren't interested in me in that way. I know this because I talk to them all the time about who they're dating. I've never been interested in any of them for anything more than friendship. Jake is like my little brother. I know it's hard for you, but you have to trust me." I hated feeling torn between my friends and Edward.

He lowered his forehead to mine and put his arms around my waist. "I'm sorry, Bella. I do trust you, it's just…I don't know…I feel very…protective of you…I'm sorry." He looked so conflicted.

I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed him softly, "I'm all yours, okay?"

He smiled and tried to be polite as we walked back to the table. I shot Sam and Jacob a look that screamed, "You guys better knock it off." They didn't say anything after that and even though there was still tension in the room, everyone seemed to be making an effort.

The thing about Edward's jealousy was that it was totally unwarranted. There was nothing for him to worry about, but I could see where he was coming from at the same time. If there was some woman I didn't know who was really close to Edward, I'd feel the same way so I tried to reassure him. I really didn't want to have to choose between Edward and my friends. I was already pretty much spending all my free time with Edward but I wanted to maintain my friendships. Growing up as an only child, I always relied heavily on my friends. They were like extended family to me.

But the truth was that I would give up everything for Edward, and it scared me what I was willing to sacrifice for him. I didn't want to push my friends away so I tried to make Edward understand. I had never had such strong feelings for anyone before in my life. I tried to convey that to him when we were together and he seemed to believe me. It was almost as if something was triggered in him when he saw me with other guys that he couldn't control and he became different from the man I knew. I hoped that as more time went by, Edward would realize that my friends were just friends, and that it was only him who held such a special place in my heart.

When we were intimate together, it was a different story. I felt his love radiating from him. We connected deeply and I treasured each of his touches. As long as our bodies were speaking for us, we freely and openly communicated- sharing our love, our trust and our fears. Despite that closeness, there were other times when I felt like he was a mile away and it worried me. I knew his job was stressful and that he couldn't talk about much of what he did, but I wanted to be supportive in any way that I could. Sometimes it felt like he didn't feel like he could confide in me or open up to me.

Of course, we really hadn't been together that long, so I wasn't sure why I was concerned. It just felt like he kept me at arms' length at times and I wanted to be closer, the way we were when we were intimate. I wanted that connection with him. There was something so special about him and the longer I was with him, the more I wanted to reach him, to know him. I could tell that he hurt at times, yet he had learned to mask it so well. It was as much a part of him as anything else and I hoped that he would learn that he could be open with me.

What I did know was that he had endured incredible loss in his life. Before me, all he really had was his squad. They were everything to him. I couldn't imagine losing the only parent I had and truly feeling alone in the world. I wanted to be his rock, his family.

"What's on your mind, Bella?" Edward asked, pulling me from my thoughts of the other night and the conflict with the guys. He slowly rocked us back and forth, as we admired the lights sparkling off the bay. "You seem…distracted."

I sighed loudly, determined not to let anything put a damper on the fun night we had planned.

"I'm sorry, Alice and I just got into a little disagreement earlier. It's nothing," I lied.

I felt his tender kisses along my ear and cheek, melting me into him and making me completely forget all my worries. We joined our friends again inside for a couple of drinks before walking the few blocks to the bars and restaurants.

We started at a place called The Strip Club, which always had a lively crowd. The restaurant had several grills located throughout and the waiters brought raw steaks for us to grill ourselves. I was never so thankful for Edward and the other guys' grilling abilities.

_What is it about guys that they all know how to grill?_

I watched the guys at the grill and it was so funny to see them together. Masters of their domain. They all stood there, with their chests puffed out, beer in one hand, some utensil in the other, on the quest for the ultimate steak. They looked so pleased with themselves. You would have thought that they had hunted and killed a wild beast and were cooking it up on a campfire.

Alice, Rosalie, and I just watched the men as if they were a sitcom on TV. We even made up our own commentary. Rose had me rolling when she saw Emmett pound his chest, "Did he really just fucking pound his chest? I swear, you add fire and they turn into instant cavemen. I think Emmett actually just said, 'Ugg, my meat bigger!'"

Through fits of laughter, I pleaded with Rose, "Please, tell me you're talking about the steak?"

Without even a blink Rose laughed, "Who cares about the steak?" Still giggling, Alice excused herself quickly claiming she was going to pee herself because she couldn't stop laughing.

I was enjoying myself with my friends and watching Edward across the room. Every so often, I would catch Edward steal a glance in my direction, tongs in hand, and it made me smile.

_God, he's so fucking adorable!_

They guys came back over to the table, boasting about their grilling abilities and served us our steaks. Edward sat close to me as we ate and every now and then, he would reach down and run his fingers along my thigh. It sent sparks up my spine as I thought about what I wanted to do to him once we got home. He chuckled when he saw my reaction, knowing what his touch did to me. I suspected he had a few plans of his own and I couldn't wait to see what they were.

We left the restaurant and found an upscale pool hall. Edward and Jasper played singles first, showing off for Alice and me. It was cute how competitive they were. Jasper was pissed when he lost, leaving a very cocky Edward to gloat. Alice and I stepped up to play Emmett and Edward, to which they expressed concern over the 'severely mismatched' teams. The guys obviously thought they had the game wrapped up, but Alice and I were good players and were extremely confident. We hung out in a lot of pool halls in college and could play with the best of them, much to the surprise of our unsuspecting boyfriends.

Jasper teased the guys mercilessly as we sank ball after ball. At one point, as I was lining up my shot, I shook my ass at Edward, who was sitting conveniently behind me. _A little teasing never hurt anyone, right?_ Edward's eyes widened, obviously liking my display. He came up behind me and whispered seductively in my ear, "Ten bucks says you miss." Then he kissed my neck gently, causing me to shiver.

Feeling confident that he had derailed my concentration, he sat down smugly on the barstool across from me to watch my shot. I lined everything up carefully, then pulled the stick back and skillfully hit the ball. As soon as I made contact with the cue, I held Edward's gaze as the ball I hit bounced off the rail and sank into the hole.

Edward's jaw dropped at the sound of the ball dropping. I heard Jasper and Emmett giving him a hard time, declaring that his skills at seduction, not to mention pool were waning.

"Don't worry, you've still got game," I whispered in his ear with a smile. "And you can work off that ten dollars later."

I heard a growl emanate from Edward's throat as he pulled me against him tightly, revealing just how profoundly my words had affected him. "Don't worry baby, I'll work it off."

The playfulness continued throughout the evening and we all laughed and enjoyed each other's company. But, I really wanted to get Edward home. There was only so much teasing I could take and I could see in his eyes that he felt the same way.

We all walked back to our apartment and said our goodbyes to Rose and Emmett as Jasper, Alice and I made our way upstairs. My earlier conversation with Alice came to mind and I wondered why Edward had still not said anything about his upcoming deployment. Perhaps Alice had gotten it wrong.

I quickly washed my face and changed into my favorite pajamas. They were silky shorts with a matching camisole top. It didn't scream sexpot, but they were soft and pretty and I thought that Edward would like them. I walked into my room to see Edward lounging comfortably on the bed, with his arms behind his head. Upon seeing me, he sat up abruptly and inhaled sharply, his eyes raking over my body.

_Uh oh, what's wrong?_

I quickly looked down at my pajamas, feeling self-conscious, trying to find something wrong. Were they too frumpy or something? Maybe I was wrong to assume that he'd like them.

Seeing my panic, he patted the bed next to him. "Why don't you come over here."

I crawled onto the bed and he immediately pulled me into his arms, easing my worries.

"These pajamas are very soft and pretty," he hummed as he slowly kissed my neck, "but I'm not sure how long they're going to last."

I sat up and straddled him as he ran his hands up my body underneath my silky pajama top, cupping my breasts then moving back down, his eyes never leaving me. There was so much passion in his eyes.

We slowly removed our clothes, the tension from earlier melting away with each layer that was shed. We moved as if through water, slow and deliberate, relishing in the feeling of being in each other's embrace. Instead of feeling frenzied, we were fluid, loving. I felt cherished as we made love. Edward was so gentle and tender as he moved in me and each moment that passed, we were more and more connected.

Once we were both completely sated, Edward pulled me into his arms, gripping me tightly against his chest. I felt he rapid rise and fall of his chest as he recovered from his release.

His lips brushed my forehead and I could feel all the love he was trying to convey in his simple movements. It was as if he was committing this moment to memory.

"Bella?" His voice was just barely above a whisper.

I glanced up at him, seeing worry in his eyes for the first time. "What is it?"

"I have to leave." He paused, never taking his eyes from mine, as he spoke the words I'd been dreading since Alice and I talked earlier. I could feel my stomach drop as I gasped audibly.

"When?" I asked, barely able to get the words out without a sob.

"Two weeks." He never broke eye contact with me, gauging my reaction.

I lowered my head so he couldn't see the pain in my eyes. "How long this time?" I wasn't even sure I wanted to know the answer.

"A month; maybe as long as two months." He spoke softly, but matter-of-factly. I could feel the sob coming on and tried to hold it in. I wanted to be strong.

Two weeks. I only had two weeks and then he'd be gone again.

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**A/N: *ducks* Don't throw tomatoes! I know what you're thinking, but contrary to the way it may seem, this story is not going to be a super angsty story. Hang in there with me!**

**However, if you are looking for any of the following in your fanfic: aliens, super weird neighbors that no one understands, mafiosos, unexplained murders, paranormal activity, psycho ex-girlfriends who show up unexpectedly, super secret past lives, smut for the sake of smut, finding out your parents aren't who you thought they were, time travel, high school BS, or characters with a history of drug abuse, then you've picked the wrong story. **

**I have a tremendous amount of respect for the men and women of the military and really wanted to write an honest look at the challenges that they face every day. Separation, jealousy, loss and fear. But also, bravery, love, the joy of reuniting, and dedication. I hope I can capture all of that.**

**Thanks so much for the overwhelming response to the last chapter! I'm so happy that you all enjoyed it and I loved all the reviews! I will continue to read and respond to every review I get, so please leave me your thoughts. **

**Reviews= Teasers!**

**Many thanks to my betas, scsquared and TwiHart , for their endless support. I also have an amazing pre-reading team, so thanks to ellierk, jermak99 and SunFeathers! **

**Finally, I'm going to pimp two stories. I never pimp but I feel compelled this week because these stories own me.**

_**The Harder They Fall**_** by Ironic Twist**

_**One Crazy Life**_** by celtic mommy **

**They are both in my favorites, so please go check them out! **


	4. Chapter 4 Goodbye

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.

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**Chapter 4- Goodbye:**

**EPOV**

As soon as I got my orders, I felt sick to my stomach. Never before had I felt so forlorn about doing my job. I had embraced every deployment as an opportunity for a new adventure and to hone and further refine my training. This was what I was born to do; what I worked so hard for and was willing to die for. But now I had something else to live for and it wasn't going to be easy leaving Bella behind.

As soon as I left the office, I made my way outside and leaned against the wall, sliding down until I was sitting. I ran my hands through my hair and tried to figure out how I was going to tell Bella that I was leaving.

Things had been going so well between us and I finally felt like we were in a groove. I couldn't imagine leaving her. I didn't want to leave her. The only thing that gave me an y comfort was the fact that I'd only be gone a month.

And what would Bella think? The last time I deployed, we were just friends and that had been incredibly hard on both of us. What would it be like now? Would it be too much for her?

I wiped my face and gathered my thoughts as I made my way back into my building. I pulled out my phone and dialed Jasper's number. I needed to hear his take on things. We met up at McP's after work. I really needed a fucking beer.

"So, what's up?" Jasper asked as he pulled out the barstool next to mine. He ordered a beer and waited for my response.

"I don't know how to break this deployment to Bella," I said, pulling at the label on my beer bottle. "I'm worried that she's going to freak out."

"Why are you worried? Has she said something to you about it?" Jasper didn't seem convinced.

"No, but things have been going well so I haven't wanted to discuss any 'what-if's' that would put stress or pressure on Bella. You know? The last time I shipped out was really hard on us. We've been kind of in our own little world and just getting comfortable. I don't know…shit…I don't know where I stand with her. For all I know, she is just counting down the days until I leave so she can go and fuck Jacob."

Jasper actually started laughing at that. "How the hell do you come up with this crap? You don't fucking believe that, so cut out the 'poor me' bullshit. Bella wants to be with you. That much is obvious. I know this relationship stuff is new to you but don't over think this, Edward."

He knew me well. I had to hand it to him. I guess, if I allowed myself to be perfectly honest, I wondered if Bella didn't deserve someone better. Someone who could actually be here for her, not leave all the fucking time.

That's what bugged me about Jacob and Sam and shit. They were always here. I was not. She deserved someone to be with her, not across the world all the time.

I ran my hands through my hair, and then took another swig of my beer. "This is fucked up. It's the first time in my career that I really don't want to leave."

"Look, we both know it's not ideal. But Alice and Bella knew what we did when we met them. Give them a little credit. They knew what they were getting into and did it anyway." Jasper was making a little too much sense. "You know, Edward, you said that your last deployment was really hard on the two of you, but the way I remember it, you two became a lot closer through the distance. It helped make you both realize exactly what it was you wanted. This time doesn't have to be different."

After leaving McP's, I went home and crashed on my bed. I called Bella and her voice immediately calmed me down. I just had to find the right time to tell her. Tonight was not that time.

The next night, we were all going out downtown. Alice and Bella's apartment had an amazing view and was centrally located so we all decided to meet there. I snuck up behind her and slid my arms around her waist, causing her to close her eyes and smile. I was so happy to see her, as it had been a few days, longer than we had gone before. I longed for her touch.

She seemed distant and quiet though, as if deep in thought. I wondered if she was upset with me for some reason, but she claimed that she and Alice had gotten into a fight. I had no intention of getting between two women when they fought so I tried to just cheer her up. I tickled her sides, knowing that would make her laugh. She elbowed me in the ribs and huffed, but I knew she wasn't really mad. The truth was that I needed cheering up as much as she did, so we both welcomed the lightened mood.

I still hadn't told Bella about my deployment. I just hadn't found the right time and wanted to do it face to face. It was starting to grate on me and I knew that I couldn't put it off any longer.

We had a great night and it served as a distraction to my worries. Bella was flirty and playful, and I dished out as much sarcasm as I could. Round after round, she kept me on my toes and by the end of the night, we were both craving each other, the night of incessant teasing finally taking its toll.

I lay on her bed while she got ready, dreading the conversation that I knew had to happen. What if she didn't want to wait for me? I tried to look confident when she emerged from the bathroom, but all coherent thought left me. There was no way I could have a serious conversation with her looking so fucking delicious.

My lack of response to her obviously made her self-conscious and I didn't want her to feel that way. I patted the bed next to me and pulled her into my body as soon as she was close enough. I couldn't get enough of her. My hands held her tightly, willing her to stay with me always. We made love and I put my heart and soul into showing her with my actions how special she was to me, hoping it would be enough to keep her with me.

Her body was limp against mine, damp and warm, completely drained from our lovemaking as I ran my hands through her hair, inhaling her scent. I never wanted to forget how she felt, how she smelled. I would need these memories to get through my deployment without her.

Finally getting up the nerve, I managed to whisper her name. "Bella?"

She looked up at me, her tender expression quickly replaced with worry.

"What is it?"

_Just say it. _

"I have to leave." I waited for her reaction, scared of what it would be.

She exhaled sharply as she asked, "When?"

"Two weeks." Just hearing the words leave my mouth made me feel sick. The very last thing in the world that I wanted to do was leave and two weeks felt like a drop in the bucket. It was hardly enough time to prepare. I only hoped that my time away would go as fast as I knew the next two weeks were likely to.

She lay back down on my chest, tilting her head down and tucking her chin, effectively blocking her face from my view. I heard her barely whisper, "How long this time?"

I could feel the warm wetness from her tears. I would have given anything to make that pain go away and it was killing me knowing that I was the cause.

"A month. Maybe as long as two months." My voice sounded detached as I tried to hide my true feelings about my deployment. She needed me to be strong.

I gently grabbed her chin with my fingers, forcing her to look at me. "Hey, it'll be okay," I whispered. I didn't even know if I believed that.

She forced a smile and I slowly wiped her tears away. "I'll miss you so much, Edward."

_A knife to my heart._

"I know. Me too." I kissed her softly, then with more need. She wrapped herself around me, pressing herself firmly against me as if trying to crawl inside. I understood the sentiment all too well.

The next week, we hardly spoke of my upcoming deployment. It was always the elephant in the room, but we both felt better not having to face reality yet. We spent every day together and at night we made love, spending hours exploring and appreciating each other. Despite my anxiety about leaving, I couldn't remember a time when I felt happier.

Soon, however, we could no longer put off our discussion about my leaving. We went through my apartment, straightening everything up. We cleaned out the fridge and made sure nothing would go bad. We turned off the water heater. I closed up the blinds and made arrangements for my mail. It was real proof that I was actually leaving and it weighed heavily on me.

I planned to spend my last night at Bella's so that she could take me to the base in the morning. Instead of a ship, we were deploying by plane this time.

Bella made me a fantastic dinner and we shared a bottle of the best red wine I could find. She had candles lit all over her apartment and soft music playing. Thankfully, we had the place to ourselves as Alice was with Jasper.

She grabbed my hand at dusk and pulled me out onto the balcony. I wrapped my arms around her as I so often did when we were standing out here. I could see the lights of the base flickering and knew that Bella was as worried about things as I was.

I turned her around in my arms, grabbing her wine glass and setting it on the adjacent table.

I brought my hands up to her face, caressing it gently. As hard as it was for me to open up to her, the thought that I might leave without her knowing how special she was to me pained me.

"Bella, I have something I want to ask you." I gazed into her eyes intently.

She returned my gaze with a curious look upon her face. "Anything."

"Well…I may not have a right to ask you this…but…I don't…I don't want you to see anyone else while I'm gone."

She chuckled lightly, making me feel instantly self-conscious, "God, Edward, you scared me. I was thinking that you were going to tell me that you're being transferred overseas permanently or something else just as horrible." She looked like she was trying to collect her thoughts, so I waited for her to continue.

"Edward, I haven't thought about anyone else since I met you. I thought you understood that I was all yours when I introduced you as my boyfriend. I guess I haven't done a good enough job showing you how much I care if you honestly thought there could be anyone else for me but you." She pulled me into a tight hug and I felt myself exhale in relief, but I couldn't respond. I didn't have the words to tell her how happy she'd just made me.

After a moment, she leaned back and this time she cradled my face in her delicate hands, apparently reading my mind. "I _will_ be here, waiting for you when you come home. You don't have to worry about that, okay? Promise me you won't worry."

I felt another huge wave of relief crash over me as I kissed her passionately. She wrapped her legs around my waist and I picked her up, carrying her to the bedroom.

I set her down inside her room and she kicked off her shoes and reached down to the hem of her shirt, pulling it up over her head as I watched. She had on a black lace bra, that offset her pale skin beautifully and my lips were drawn to her skin like a magnet. She dipped her head back as I buried my face between her breasts, reaching around to unclasp her bra, letting it fall gently off her shoulders.

I sat on the bed, kicking my shoes off as she began to work on her pants. She had no idea how seductive she could be as she shimmied herself out of her jeans, her hips wiggling with each exaggerated move.

She sauntered over to the bed where I was sitting and stood in between my legs as I ran my hands up the back of her thighs, coming to rest on her scantily clad ass.

"You've got far too many clothes on, Edward," she said with a smirk as she climbed onto the bed, crawling like a panther to the top. Her ass was on perfect display for me as she crawled and I scrambled to get out of my clothes as fast as possible. I slipped off my boxers and turned to crawl up the bed. She was resting at the top, lying against the pillows, with just her black lacy boyshorts on. My dick grew even harder than it had been before at the sight of her. She looked like a goddess.

I came to rest partially lying on top of her, my leg in between hers. I could feel the heat from between her legs and was desperate to feel her. She pulled me into a deep kiss, her legs rubbing up and down mine, creating a delicious friction. With each pass of her leg, I knew she could tell what she was doing to me as I let out a rumble from deep within my chest.

"Edward, I need to feel you," she breathed in between kisses, the need apparent in her voice.

I reached for my pants to find a condom, while she slid out of her underwear. I rolled the condom on and quickly came to rest once again between her legs. I used my hips to spread her legs wide as I positioned myself. We were both desperate for each other, knowing that this would be the last time in a while that we could be together.

I felt her hands grip my ass as she pulled me into her, slowly filling her. I felt my self-control slipping as I slid out and pressed back into her firmly, going deeper than I had before. With each thrust, I moved deeper and deeper within her, feeling her love and giving her mine.

She pressed her hand to my chest, pushing me off of her slightly as she looked at me, her eyes dark with lust. "Can I be on top?"

_Fuck yes, you can._

She smiled as I nodded and pulled out of her, rolling over onto my back. I rested my hands on her hips as she straddled me, her hair falling gently over her shoulders. She reached down between us, grabbing my cock and slowly lowered herself down until our hips met and I was fully sheathed inside of her. I was so deep and the look on her face fueled my desire for her. She lifted up off me slowly and then thrust back down again, causing both of us to moan loudly.

"Oh fuck, Bella," I moaned, my fingers digging into her hips. "Just like that."

I let my hands help guide her movement as she rode me gloriously hard, her breasts bouncing as she moved. She was spectacular. Feeling myself getting close to my release, I reached down between us and gently rubbed small circles over her clit. She rocked her hips into my hand and moaned in appreciation.

"I'm so close… Edward…oh God…ah…" She threw her head back as her orgasm ripped through her, her head thrown back in ecstasy. I pushed up into her a few more times bringing on my own powerful orgasm. I didn't want it to end.

She came to rest on my body, panting heavily as I rubbed her back while we recovered.

"Edward, you have no idea what you do to me," she said softly, still panting as she kissed my chest.

I hugged her and whispered, "I do know, because you have the same effect on me."

We slept soundly that night, no thoughts of my leaving entering our minds. It was just Bella and me together and it felt simply amazing.

The next morning, reality was a little harder to ignore. The air was heavy and thick with sadness and worry. Bella was up early, making me a full-blown breakfast, stating that she didn't know what kind of food I was going to be eating while away and wanted to send me off on a full stomach. I loved how considerate she was.

She drove me over the bridge to the base and pulled up to my office. I was meeting the rest of my squad there and then we were leaving together for the airstrip where we would be taking off.

She put the car in park and tentatively opened the door, stepping out. I did the same and grabbed my bag from the back, setting it down on the curb.

She leaned against the car and I could see the tears forming in her eyes. I wished so badly that I wasn't the cause of those tears. I wanted nothing more than to go back to the safety of her apartment and climb into her warm bed together, just us.

But we couldn't.

I leaned against her, my body completely flush against hers as her arms wrapped around my waist. She rested her forehead on my shoulder and my hands fisted into her hair. We didn't say anything for a few moments, but I could feel her chest heaving with the tears that I knew were falling from her beautiful eyes.

I pulled back and kissed her forehead. "It's only a month, baby. We can do this. We'll keep in touch all the time, just like before."

She nodded and sniffled, trying to gain composure and I lifted her chin, willing her eyes to meet mine. "We can do this," I reiterated, as much for me as for her.

"Please be safe, Edward," she pleaded through her tears. I never realized that she feared for my safety before that moment.

"I will, Bella."

She hugged me again and I felt myself getting upset, "Please don't forget about me." It was barely above a whisper but it captured my biggest fear.

I pulled away and reached down to grab my bag. She wiped her eyes fruitlessly and tried to put on a happy face.

I turned to walk into the building, glancing over my shoulder as I walked.

The door closed with an industrial-sounding thud behind me and I felt alone. Really alone.

I leaned against the door, dropping my bag in front of me and ran my hand through my hair.

How could I have left the most perfect woman behind?

_Fuck! _

The date was February 20th. One month to go.

* * *

**A/N: So, what did you think of the goodbye? Hang in there with me, I have a plan. He's gone, but don't forget that these two first got close while he was deployed! Wonder what the emails will be like this time? Hmmm….**

**This was a short chapter, so I'll get the next one up as soon as I can. I'm going to try and make Wednesday my regular posting day. **

**Please leave me a review and let me know your thoughts. I really look forward to your comments. Seriously, they totally make my day. **

**Reviews=Teasers**

**Thanks to my betas, scscsquared and TwiHart, for putting up with me. I can be a *tad* bit melodramatic and they rein me in! Also thanks to my pre-reading team, ellierk, jermak99, and Sunfeathers. You guys help so much! **

**Oh, and if you have any good fic recs for me, I'm looking for something _complete_ to read. I have too many 'work in process' fics already and I can't take the wait!**


	5. Chapter 5 Distance

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. **

* * *

**Chapter 5- Distance:**

**BPOV**

The door closed behind Edward, and I just sat there staring at the plain, industrial-looking building that now separated us. I felt hollow and the emptiness that I had felt the first time he left came flooding back tenfold.

I could feel his agony as he kissed me and tried to reassure me that things would be okay. I knew that leaving this time was as hard for him as it was for me. Still, he had his job as a distraction. His schedule was filled with things that would make time fly so it was easier to forget about home. He'd be in some faraway place, concentrating on fulfilling his dangerous mission, unable to focus on anything but his job.

While I, on the other hand, had few distractions. I felt his absence everywhere. There was nothing to take my mind away from the sadness that I felt. That night when I crawled into my bed, the smell of him was still present, tormenting me as I tried to find sleep.

My eyes were puffy and red from crying and I wanted to pinch myself so I could wake up and realize that this was all just some bad dream.

I jumped when my computer chirped, alerting me that I had an email and quickly hopped out of bed to my desk. I waited while the computer came to life, hoping that the email was from Edward.

_Yes! _

I clicked on the link barely able to contain my excitement.

_February 20th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Impossible _

_Bella, there are no words to describe how hard it was for me to close that door to my office building with you on the other side. I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind. _

_I will think of you every minute I'm away. I will think about the way you feel in my arms, soft and warm against me. I will think about your smile and how it brightens my day. I will imagine my nose buried in your hair, delighting in your sweet scent. I will remember your kind and selfless heart. Those thoughts will keep me going._

_My biggest worry is that you will decide that this, what we have, isn't worth the hardship of my leaving. I hope against hope that you will be there for me, as promised, when I come back, because all the letters in the world will never be able to express how much you mean to me. _

_I miss you already. I can still smell you on my clothes. _

_Edward_

I sat there at my desk with a goofy smile on my face as I finished reading his email. Edward was so articulate. I remembered that fact well from the last time, but had very little to compare it to. He was not as open in person. It was as if email allowed him to say things that were too hard to say in person.

He'd never expressed his fear of my leaving him while he was gone before, but now that he had, some of his actions made sense. He had a hard time with my friends and it made sense to me now. He was worried that I'd leave him. I just wish he had talked to me about it while he was here, so I could have reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere.

I'd just have to make a point to make him realize how much I cared about him. Now was not the time for him to be worrying about me. He needed to focus on doing his job well, so he could come home, safe and unharmed.

I hit reply and furiously typed my response.

_February 20th_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: Re: Impossible_

_Your email made me smile which, under the circumstances, is remarkable. _

_I miss you so much already. I need you so much. I need you to come back to me. I'm not the same without you here but I know that you are doing what you have to do. . _

_So please don't worry about me, Edward. If you could read my mind, you'd probably think I was a borderline stalker, or at the very least completely obsessed. Just take care of yourself for me and know that I WILL be here waiting for you. _

_Please write soon. Your words uplift me._

_Bella_

The next day, Alice and I decided to go shopping. She liked shopping much more than I did, but I had to admit that when I dressed well, I tended to feel better. More so, I really needed a distraction and shopping with Alice would be just that.

"How'd it go, yesterday?" she asked as we walked through the mall.

"God, Alice, I wanted to wrap myself around his legs like a kid and prevent him from leaving! I don't know how I'm going to make it a month." It felt good to confess my worries.

"I know. It was the same for me and Jasper. I don't know how career Navy wives do this. I mean, last time was really hard, but it gets harder and harder with every deployment." She looked down at the ground and I could see a tear coming to her eyes. I wanted to offer her comfort, the same comfort I so desperately sought out but really couldn't find. So, I did the only thing I could. I reached out and grabbed her hand and squeezed it to let her know that I completely understood. We could get through this together.

"At least we have each other, Alice. I really wouldn't wish this pain on anyone else, but I find some comfort in knowing that you totally understand where I'm coming from and vice versa." We were both quiet for a while, until I broke the silence. "I've noticed something weird, Alice. In a way, I feel like he's been holding back emotionally since he returned from his first deployment. Don't get me wrong, I always feel like he cares about me, but it's like he shuts down sometimes. But then, when he's gone, he is really open about how he feels and what he wants." I kicked a rock with my shoe, avoiding eye contact.

Alice stopped walking and grabbed my arm, forcing me to look her in the eyes, "He's had a tough time, Bella, but he cares for you. He cares a lot more than he's letting on. The way Jasper talks about him, it sounds like the guy's completely in love with you. It wouldn't surprise me at all."

"Alice, I swear to God, if you know something, you'd better spill it." I needed details, and from what she just said, the details sounded really good and I could use some good right now. I couldn't believe that Jasper had talked to her about mine and Edward's relationship and she hadn't told me. More than that, I couldn't believe that Jasper would know something about my relationship with Edward that I didn't even know.

"All I know is that Edward talks to Jasper quite a bit about things. From what Jasper's said, your relationship with Edward is the first one he's had in awhile. Maybe he's just scared to completely open up to you. Just give him time, he'll come around."

Vowing not to spend the entire day feeling sorry for ourselves or dwelling on things we had no control of, I suggested that we get a drink at the restaurant in the mall. She shrugged in agreement, as we sat down at the bar.

"I'm getting something special. I don't care if it is the middle of the day," I said with confidence.

She eyed me warily, but chuckled as she read the menu. The bartender took our orders and our menus were quickly replaced with two lemon drop martinis..

I raised my glass to toast and she did the same. "Here's to the wonderful men in our lives, and remembering how lucky we are to have them, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves."

"You got it," she said with a smile as our glasses clinked.

We finished our shopping, feeling light on our feet after our midday martini and made our way home. We were going over to Rosalie's house for a movie and the gang was meeting us there.

We were going to watch Office Space, one of my all-time favorite movies and I was thankful for the comic relief. We laughed at the similarities between the movie and our office. Working at a bank, everything had a proper procedure and there were rules and regulations for everything. Some made more sense than others.

I stood up, my knees cracking after having been sitting on the floor and walked into the kitchen to get a soda. Jacob came out of the bathroom, saw me, and joined me in the kitchen.

"Hey Bella, how're you doing?" he asked sincerely. Jake knew me so well.

I leaned back onto the counter, and picked at the tab on my soda can. "I'm okay. It was really hard to say goodbye yesterday, but I'll be all right." I faked a smile at Jacob and he pulled me into a hug.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I know how hard his leaving is on you. I mean, the guy hates me, but I can see how you feel about each other and that's what's important."

"Thanks Jake," I said softly. "He doesn't hate you."

He chuckled, "Trust me, Bella. He hates me. It's okay though, I don't take it personally. I'd hate me too if I was him."

"Why?" I asked curiously. "It's not like we have a dating history or there's anything going on between us."

"Bella," he said, shaking his head, "you're thinking like a girl. He's a guy. And a military guy, at that. He's got an ego to protect. I'm surprised he hasn't pissed a circle around you, or tried to tattoo his name, rank, and serial number on you to claim you as his yet."

"Gross, Jake. Not all military guys are that bad. Edward's not like that," I protested.

Jake just gave me a tight smile and patted me on the shoulder as he walked into the living room. I'd never thought about Edward that way. I assumed that if he trusted me, it wouldn't bother him. I guess I could understand why he felt so protective. It came with the territory. But I needed Edward to understand that I wasn't his property. I didn't need protecting from my own friends, and most importantly, I needed him to know that he could trust me.

When the movie was over, I drove home, my mind already excited to see if I had any mail. Edward's name in my inbox was like heroin, I craved it.

_February 21st_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: One Down _

_Has it really only been one day? It seems like so much longer than that. _

_Today was long. We flew for almost twenty hours. I have no idea what time it is where I am. My body is seriously fucked up and so tired. _

_You know what I was thinking about, Bella? I was looking out the window on our flight and the water was so clear and beautiful. I want to take you on a trip. I want to go someplace where we can be together and lounge on the beach drinking tropical drinks or possibly a snowed-in cabin where we lay by the fire all day and night. Doesn't that sound nice? _

_Sometimes I feel like you don't get to see the light side of me. I feel like I've been so serious when we've been together. But I'm really not like that all the time. I want to show you that I can be carefree and not this dark, brooding guy all the time. _

_Do you think that I'm brooding? Do you remember the carefree side of me?_

_I'm curious now. _

_Edward_

I had to laugh, because brooding was a perfect way to explain Edward. He was introspective and deep, but that was just one of the things I loved about him. I loved that he worried about worrying too much. It was so Edward.

_February 21st_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: Re: One Down_

_I'd book the tickets tomorrow if I could. A vacation with you? Alone? On a tropical beach or naked by a fire? I'm THERE! You did mean naked, right? _

_I know you've had a lot on your mind lately, but I don't think you're dark at all. I love that you can be both playful and outgoing as well as introspective and serious. It's part of your charm. I don't want you to be anything but yourself with me. Ever. That's seriously all I need. _

_But a vacation sounds mighty nice too. LOL. _

_Miss you so much. _

_Bella_

The next week passed by painfully slow. I lived for Edward's emails for a glimpse into his life. I considered upgrading my cell phone plan so I could get my emails directly to my phone, but he would be back soon. The nights without him were restless. I got into my routine going through the motions, but I wasn't really living. I couldn't do that until Edward was home with me. I was merely existing.

One night, after a particularly long day at work, I came home, turned on my computer and melted into my desk chair. I needed Edward and hoped that there would be a message waiting for me.

I was delighted to see his name there waiting for me. It was as if he knew what I needed, even from a half a world away.

_March 1st_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Slightly Worked Up _

_Today has been hard. I can't get you out of my mind. I can almost feel you, hear you, touch you, taste you. _

_As I close my eyes tonight, my last thoughts will be of you. I can feel my heartbeat speed up when I think of you, my breathing picking up. Even just remembering your touch sets my body on fire. Suffice it to say that my hand will be getting plenty of exercise. It's a poor substitute for the incredible heat of your body against mine. I love the way you move when I'm inside you and how you look and sound when I make you come. I can't wait to do it again. _

_Do me a favor, Bella. I know you must have fantasies. Make a list of things you'd like to try with me and I will promise to fulfill every single fantasy you have when I get back. Can you do that for me?_

_Edward_

_P.S. Just thinking about your list makes me crazy. _

Wow, that letter had quite a different tone to it and I liked it. A lot. My body reacted to his words and I felt the wetness between my legs. Two could play that game.

_March 1st_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: Re: Slightly Worked Up _

_You are quite the tease, Mr. Cullen. It isn't very fair to get me so worked up when you aren't here to take care of business. _

_Right now, I'm sitting at my desk, the lights are dim, and there is some slow, hot, steamy jazz playing in the background. I'm wearing only my black bra and underwear (you remember those, don't you?) I'm using my right hand to type while my left slips lower on my body. _

_I've reached the waistband of my undies and am slipping my hand beneath the thin fabric. I'm imagining that it's your hand and not mine. I'm so wet for you, baby. Your words make me want you so badly as I picture your hand on your body doing my job. _

_You know what? This is hard to do while typing and you know I have to finish what I start…_

_Bella._

_P.S. Consider the list done. I have a far-reaching and very imaginative mind. Can't wait! _

That ought to do the trick.

Not five minutes later, my email chirped again and I chuckled.

_March 1st_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Re: Slightly Worked Up _

_FUCK. ME._

_Bella, that's really unfair! You made me promise to be safe while on my mission, but right now, you are seriously killing me._

_Edward_

I giggled as I fell asleep that night, thinking of my list and what fun we'd have when he got back. I slept well.

Work was tough the next few days and I felt completely drained. I closed the door to my apartment slightly harder than I intended and walked the short hallway to the living room, peeling off my restrictive work clothes as I went. The sun was just barely above the horizon, producing an amazing sunset. I wished Edward were with me to enjoy the view. As it was, Alice was still at work and I had the apartment to myself. I poured myself a glass of wine, feeling exhausted from the rigorous work week and anxious for my daily dose of Edward.

As if on a schedule, his email awaited me and I felt all the worries of my day disappear with a single click of my mouse.

_March 6th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Coming Home _

_It's official! I'll be coming home on the 25__th__ of this month_

_It can't come a minute too soon, either. This week was horrible. I saw and did things that I never thought I would be able to handle. Things that I can never explain to you, but that are burned on my brain. _

_I long for the normalcy of our life in San Diego, which at the moment seems incredibly far away. _

_I can't wait to see you._

_Edward_

His job was such a mystery to me. Everything was classified and after a while, I just stopped asking about it, knowing that he couldn't tell me anything. But I could see the impact of what he did in his eyes, the sadness lurking behind his tough exterior. I knew it wasn't easy for him and I wished that he could talk to me about it.

_March 6th_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: Re: Coming Home _

_It makes me so sad that you have things that haunt you that you can't share with me. I wish I could take all the painful memories away and replace them with happy ones. I have such respect for you and everyone who does what you do. You take on burdens so that we don't have to. _

_You're amazing and the news that you're coming home just made my day. I can't wait! _

_Bella_

* * *

**EPOV**

The helicopter blades were deafening as we made our approach into San Diego. My knees were bouncing in anticipation. The sky was crisp and clear and I couldn't wait to step outside into the warm San Diego sun and know that I was really home again.

The last month had been excruciating for me. Not only was our mission in some excruciatingly hot base in the middle of nowhere, but I couldn't wait to see Bella. The last time I had heard from her was a few days ago, before we began our trip home. She was meeting me at the helipad on the base in North Island and I was extremely anxious.

We made our final approach and I could see people standing, waiting for their family members. It wasn't the huge crowd like before when the ship came into port, but I still couldn't make out Bella's face with the wind blowing everyone's hair around.

We touched down and the blades finally slowed enough that we could jump out. There were about fifteen guys and as each found his family, I could hear screams of happiness.

I heard my own scream of happiness as Bella saw me and ran full speed across the asphalt, throwing herself into my arms, while wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. She smelled so good and felt so petite and soft in my arms. I kissed her neck and cheek, kissing away the tears that were streaming down her face.

"Oh my God, Edward," she cried. "You're really home!"

It was one of the defining moments in my life; the moment that I realized I was holding the person that I loved. Perhaps it was the distance or the way we spoke in our emails, but it was as if we'd grown closer over the last month, despite being apart. I felt like I knew her better than before, understood us better than before. I didn't ever want to experience coming home to anything other than her loving arms around me again. She _was _home to me.

"Bella, I want to take you home and not leave the apartment for a week," I joked.

_Well, it was kind of a joke. _

With her face buried in my neck, she told me she didn't want to let go yet and neither did I. I grabbed my duffel and walked us both towards Bella's car. When we got there, she reluctantly dropped down but kept her arms around my neck. I leaned her against the car and kissed her passionately, so grateful to be home and with her again. As she drove, I held her hand, occasionally kissing the back affectionately. I couldn't not touch her.

It's funny, when you leave someone that you are very familiar with for a length of time and then come back, you have to get to know that person all over again. Kissing feels new again. Familiar smells bring back memories. I looked forward to getting to know every inch of her body all over again. It was both exciting and terrifying. Everything about her emails and her actions said she missed me as much as I missed her. This was only our first separation since we became official and I knew it was hard on her.

She took me to her place, since my apartment was barren. I dropped my bag in the hallway as she went into the kitchen and popped the top off a bottle of champagne, pouring it into two tall flutes.

She handed me a glass, then led me outside on the balcony, where we could see the base where I had just landed.

"Welcome home, Edward," she said with a warm smile, holding her glass up to mine. "I can't believe you're really here."

I reached over with one hand and pulled her into me, my body making its intentions known.

"I never thought I could miss someone as much as I missed you," I whispered, resting my forehead on hers. "I thought about you every day. Every minute."

She smiled and pulled back, looking across the bay at the base. "I would sit out here at dusk, watching the sun set, wondering when you'd be coming back to me. The base was a constant reminder that my heart wasn't here."

The afternoon turned into evening and we watched the sun set over the bay, the building lights bursting to life as they reflected brilliantly onto the water. I told her what I could about my mission and the guys I worked with and what we accomplished. It felt good just to spend a quiet, relaxing afternoon together. It was perfect.

I recognized a familiar energy between us. I had to refrain myself from attacking her the minute we got back to the apartment. I let Bella take the lead and she seemed to have the evening planned out.

Bella pushed me towards the bathroom telling me to go take the shower she knew I so desperately wanted after the long flight. While I showered, she went to work in the kitchen. She was adorable as she prepared a fantastic meal and I knew it was something that she'd been planning for some time. It was obvious that she wanted everything to be perfect when I came home and I sincerely appreciated the effort.

"Bella, I would have been happy with pizza or Chinese take-out," I said as she pulled the apron from around her neck.

"On your first night back?" she asked, aghast. "Not a chance."

"I'm just happy to be with you," I sighed as I pulled her to me and kissed her neck.

"Edward, I wanted to do something special. Now stop that or dinner will get cold."

I groaned as she pulled away to set the food down on the table and lit the candles in the center, dimming the lights enough so that the room glowed and the lights outside the window shone. She was beautiful in candlelight and looked happy with a soft smile as she worked. I felt oddly nervous and restrained considering how badly I wanted to take her right there on the dining room table. Instead, I decided to admire how gorgeous she looked and show my appreciation for her efforts.

"Hmmm, I should go away more often," I suggested in jest, taking in the amazing spread before me.

"Don't you dare," she said, reaching over and grabbing my hands gently.

We ate and talked more about what had happened since our last email exchange a few days ago. It was as if we were getting reacquainted and it kind of felt like a first date in spite of how close we had become and how badly I wanted her.

Our emails while I was gone had given us a meaningful connection. At times, we were playful and other times we were more serious. For some reason, it was easier for me to open up to her in our emails than it was when we were together. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it was true. I had time to think while I was gone, without the nuances of daily life here in San Diego to distract me. Did she still feel the same as she did when I left? Did she want me as badly as I wanted her?

I was thoroughly stuffed and fell onto the couch with a loud sigh after we were done eating.

"Bella, you spoil me," I hummed, tucking my hand behind my head as I watched her cross the room toward me. She curled up next to me, her legs straddling one of mine and laid her head on my shoulder. My arm came around her back, holding her against me as I gently rubbed her back.

"It feels so good to have you home," Bella sighed contentedly.

Within moments, I noticed that Bella was asleep, her deep breaths soothing and comforting me. I wiggled out from underneath her and leaned down to pick her up and carry her to her bedroom. She didn't wake up, just moaned and shifted a little bit as I carried her. She looked so peaceful.

I set her on the bed, carefully removing her clothes, leaving her in just a pair of sexy white lace underwear. I desperately wanted to remove them with my teeth, but I could wait. She seemed really tired and said she hadn't been sleeping well thanks to me leaving her. I covered her with the blanket as I stripped and sank into bed with her. I could smell the scent of her on the pillow and feel the warmth from her body and for the first time in a month, I slept soundly.

A pair of silky warm hands slithering along my body interrupted my sleep. They started out on my back, and made their way around my torso to my chest. I moaned at the contact, thinking myself dreaming until I heard the sweetest moan from behind me.

I rolled onto my back, wrapping my arms around a very awake-looking Bella, pulling her on top of me.

"This is a nice way to wake up," I hummed, grinding my obvious erection against her hips.

"Mmm, I agree." She looked at me with a devilish grin. "I can't believe you let me fall asleep."

"You were tired," I said, brushing the hair from her face, "Besides, I know where you live. You can owe me."

She laughed and kissed my chest and shoulder, "Oh Edward, you make me laugh."

Deciding the conversation needed to take a more naughty turn to satisfy my baser needs, I whispered, "There are a lot more things that I want to do to you." It was my turn for the devilish grin.

Desire ran through her eyes, and I could tell that she was equally excited about being with me as I was with her, which was a huge turn-on. "What did you have in mind? If you can't think of anything, I do have a list with some ideas."

_Holy shit, her list._

I let my hands slip lower and lower on her back until they firmly gripped her ass. Pulling her with force against my now throbbing erection, I whispered into her ear. "Would you like me to show you what I have in mind?"

She nodded and I flipped us over so that I was on top of her. My hands gripped at the hem of her underwear and I yanked them down, needing to feel her naked body against mine. I ran my hands up the outside of her thighs, and once at the top I cupped her gently, allowing the tip of my finger to dip inside of her wet folds.

She moaned at the contact and pressed up into my hand, causing my finger to slip in deeper. She was so warm and inviting and keeping my palm securely in place on her clit, I pulled my finger out and then quickly thrust it back into her.

"Jesus, Bella," I stammered, leaning in to kiss her softly. "I've missed you."

She whimpered into my ear, "I…unh…need…you…fuck…"

I pulled my fingers from her and rested them on her hip as she leaned over and slid the drawer on her nightstand open and pulled out a box of condoms, which surprised the hell out of me. I watched her tear open the individual foil package with her teeth and carefully roll the condom onto my length.

Seeing my surprise, she muttered with a smile, "What can I say? I was excited for you to come home."

She used her hand to guide me to her entrance and I wasted no time, thrusting powerfully into her. It was like our first time, the heat overpowering me, the realization that I loved her driving me. I wanted her to feel loved. I wanted her to feel protected. I wanted her to be mine.

She wrapped her legs around me, driving me deeper. Each thrust earned me a throaty moan as her body stretched to accommodate me. I could tell that she was getting close and I wanted to hear her scream my name.

"God Edward…please…" she panted as she pulled me in deeper.

"Say it again, Bella," I said, continuing to thrust into her. "Say my name again."

"Oh Edward…so…close…unh," she managed as she pressed her hips into mine and pulsed around me. I would never see such a beautiful sight as Bella in the midst of an orgasm. It didn't take but a few more strokes for me to come fiercely inside of her, all my pent up emotions finally coming to the surface.

I wanted to tell her in that moment how I felt. I wanted her to know that there would never be another woman like her for me. I wanted to open up to her, the way I had been able to in our emails. Instead, all I could do was worship her with my body; to show her through my actions that she was the most special woman in the world and I was so happy to be with her, to love her.

It was good to be home.

* * *

**A/N: So, that was a short deployment, huh? Short deployment= long chapter! But hopefully, it was insightful. What did you think?**

**Thanks for all the reviews and alerts adds. Seeing them in my inbox really makes my day! Also, I appreciate all the awesome fic recs last chapter. I can't wait to dig in!**

**Reviews=Teasers**

**Many thanks to my betas, scsquared and TwiHart, as well as my awesome pre-reading team of ellierk, jermak99 and SunFeathers. You guys make this story worth reading. **

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**Thanks for reading and please don't forget to leave me a review! **


	6. Chapter 6 Drowning

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. **

* * *

**Chapter 6- Drowning:**

**BPOV**

I had never been so happy to see anyone in my life as I was to see Edward when he came home. He stepped off that helicopter and I flew to him, not able to contain the smile and happiness that I felt.

His arms felt like heaven around me and I clung to him as though he would disappear if I let go. Everything about him made me feel elated; his smell, his touch, his kisses. I couldn't get enough.

In spite of some initial uncertainties, it didn't take long for us to get back into our comfortable routine.

We spent most nights at Edward's place on Coronado. It was clean and close to the base, plus he didn't have a roommate so we got plenty of time to ourselves. I felt like we were playing house at times. I'd cook dinner and we'd watch movies. It was quite domestic and a far cry from what my life was like while he was gone.

I spent most nights while he was deployed with my friends. Alice and Rosalie were in the same boat with their guys so we did a lot together. I still managed to see my other friends occasionally; they understood that Edward's deployment had been hard on me, so they didn't give me a hard time about ditching them now that he was back home.

My friends helped me through the separation. Being at home alone was depressing and only reminded me that Edward was gone. I thought a lot about what he was doing while he was gone. He couldn't give too much detail about his missions, so it left my vivid imagination to run wild.

I thought if I knew more about what he was doing it might make it easier to support him. I knew some of his missions were for training, and others were the real deal. Sometimes the real deal would include covert operations to extract people and things of importance to the Navy. Although Edward never said so, I knew that the real deal operations were riddled with danger.

Was he raiding some compound or recovering secret files? I had no idea and that was difficult for me because my mind could come up with some scary scenarios. I pictured him sneaking around in some palace like the places I had seen on television news and documentaries and I worried constantly that he would get hurt or worse. I didn't know what I would do if I got that dreaded news that something had happened to him.

I knew Edward believed he was serving his country and fulfilling a sense of duty. I admired him and his willingness to sacrifice everything for others even though he was modest about it. Another part of me was terrified and angry that it had to be him.

So, just having him home safe was a huge relief for me. I tried not to let the little things bother me as much as I might have if I hadn't had to be alone all that time. I appreciated his company much more since I'd been without it.

He was so different from anyone I had ever dated. There were so many facets to Edward that both intrigued me and frustrated the hell out of me. He could be distant and guarded, but I could tell he cared about me. He was affectionate, but there was something about our interactions that made me feel like he was holding back.

I hadn't gotten that feeling when he was away. He opened up to me in his emails in ways that he had never done in person. I assumed that the distance made him realize what we had and how special it was, but the minute he came home, he was back to being closed off.

He hadn't said anything about my guy friends since he'd been home, which made me very thankful. I knew it still bothered him, but I tried to make him feel better about the situation. I tried to reassure him that he was the only man for me and that my friends were just friends, nothing more. I didn't think I should have to give up my friends because of his insecurities. I appreciated that he kept his jealousy in check, even though I could still see fire in his eyes.

That all came crashing down one night, about a month after he'd gotten home. Everyone was going out downtown to our local hangout, the pool hall. The six of us met up with Jacob, Sam, Mike, and Emily. It was a big group, which I loved.

Jacob and Sam were playing Emmett and Edward in a game of pool. They weren't the best of friends, but they tolerated each other for my sake. I had no idea how things got as bad as they did, because I was at the bar with Alice. All of the sudden, I turned around and Edward and Jacob were in each other's faces, looking like they were going to fight.

_Oh fuck! _

I left Alice to finish up while I ran across the bar to see what the hell was going on.

"You're a fucking asshole," I heard Edward spit at Jacob.

Jacob snarled and retorted, "I'm the same asshole who keeps your girlfriend happy while you're gone fighting someone else's war."

_WHAT?_

Everything moved so quickly and all I saw were fists flying. Someone grabbed me and I turned to see that it was Rosalie. Emmett and Jasper had pulled Edward off Jacob and led him outside. Jacob stood, hunched over the pool table, with a bloody nose.

_How the fuck did this happen? Goddamn testosterone. _

"Jacob, what the fuck was that all about?" I seethed, trying to stay calm. I was so fucking pissed off that he was lucky I didn't give him a nice shiner to match his busted nose.

"He was being an asshole," Jacob responded with no remorse in his voice.

"Why did you make it seem like you and I are more than friends?" I fumed, "You know that shit just eggs him on, not to mention the fact that it's completely untrue."

"He deserved it."

"You know what? This is my life you're playing with, not some game. It's NOT okay for you to make shit up just to piss Edward off. If you cared about me, you'd accept who I'm with. The fact that you don't speaks volumes."

I stormed off, trying to find Edward. I eventually found all the guys around the corner, leaning up against the building. Edward actually looked vicious. I'd never seen that look in his face and I hoped never to see it again. Emmett and Jasper were standing nearby, while Rosalie and Alice leaned on a parked car not too far away.

Edward's eyes caught mine and instead of relaxing, they became more enraged. I walked up to him slowly and as I did, Jasper and Emmett stepped back to give us some privacy.

"Are you okay?" I asked. I tried to reach up to inspect a scratch on his face, but he brushed my hand away.

"No, I'm not fucking okay," he spat at me.

"Edward, what the hell happened in there?" I put my hands on my hips, demanding an explanation.

He spit out some blood onto the ground by his feet and returned his gaze to mine. "Are you fucking him?"

_Oh Jesus Christ. _

"I can't believe you just asked me that fucking question! I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Jacob was just trying to get a rise out of you." Gone was my caring nature. I'd fucking had it with his jealousy.

"Well, he succeeded. He certainly made it seem like you were together." He was searching my eyes for the truth. "Or at least you were until I got back."

My frustration was getting to me. I put my fingers into my hair as my palms rested on my temples and shook my head. "You should know I would NEVER do that."

My hands dropped to my sides, limp with an instantaneous exhaustion and my whole body felt weak. "I've shown you how I feel about you and I've told you that Jacob is JUST a friend. I don't know what more I can do to prove that to you.

"I don't know what in the hell Jacob's problem was tonight. I'll deal with him later….but you, Edward, after everything we've been through together, YOU should know better. I've never given you any reason not to trust me. Your lack of faith in me hurts more than your good-byes."

"Bella…FUCK…I swear to fucking God…if it's true…" He couldn't even finish a sentence he was so pissed.

I looked at him, knowing that we both needed time to cool down, but wondering if I could get over how much this hurt. "I think you should go home." I shot a glance at Emmett, who nodded and stepped forward to grab Edward's arm. "We'll talk later."

I turned and walked toward Rosalie and Alice and the tears just streamed down my face.

_How could he think that of me? _

Seeing my distress, Alice ran over to Jasper and they spoke softly, finally giving each other a quick kiss before she ran back over to me. Rosalie also said a quick goodbye to Emmett and joined us.

"Do you want to go get a drink somewhere?" I nodded. I watched as Emmett, Jasper and Edward walked back in the direction of our place, wondering what the hell had happened.

Jacob, Sam, Mike and Emily came out of the bar and I couldn't even deal with them. We turned and left and as I was walking away, I heard Jacob yell, "Come on, Bella. Talk to me."

_Not gonna happen tonight._

We found a small dive bar, not too far away with cheap drinks and plenty of seats, so we made our way inside. I was hardly in the mood to party, but I was too pissed off to go home. I must have looked like a clown, my makeup running down my face, my eyes and nose red from crying.

"I don't know what the fuck to do," I sobbed. "Edward _knows _me. Or at least I thought he did. How could he think that I'd do something like that after all we've been through?"

Alice, put her arm around my shoulder, "He's just scared of losing you, Bella."

"But why? I've never given him any reason to doubt me." I took a sip of my wine, still crying and sniffling.

"I don't know. I know he's very protective of you. It can't be easy for him to leave you." Alice was trying, but nothing was making me feel better.

After several drinks, and thousands of tears, the girls walked me home. I was so thankful that I had my friends, but still, I wanted to talk to Edward. I needed things to be better.

I convinced Alice to drive me to his place. She insisted the entire way there that it was a mistake, but I had to see him. I couldn't go to bed angry.

I hesitantly lifted my hand to ring the doorbell, wincing as it chimed. It was late and I was beginning to see Alice's logic when the door opened. Edward looked as bad as I'd ever seen him. He had several scratches on his face and his hair was a mess. He looked completely exhausted and devastated.

He sighed when he saw me and lowered his head, shuffling his feet slightly.

"Bella."

* * *

**EPOV**

I had tried not to let my issues with Jacob get in the way of things with Bella. Things had been really good between us since I'd been back and I didn't want to fuck things up by acting like an asshole to her friends. Still, I didn't fucking like the guy.

We were playing pool and everyone was having a good time. I was giving Jacob shit about missing shots, but it was more about the game and less about him. Anyway, he made a remark about military guys being bullies, which I ignored. I realized that people often misunderstood what we did and the media didn't help with that stereotype. But he kept ribbing me and I was beginning to get pissed.

"What the fuck is your problem, Black?" I asked, finally getting sick of his shit.

"My problem? You've treated me like some creepy fucking stalker since you met me and you want to know what MY problem is?"

"Whatever." I grabbed the cue to line up my shot, not wanting to listen to him anymore.

"You know, you'd have better luck with Bella if you watched that fucking temper."

_Okay, that's fucking it. _

The very last thing I wanted to hear was advice from Jacob Fucking Black about Bella.

"I think I know what Bella needs better than you do, so why don't you shut the fuck up?"

"Oh, really? And when did you learn all about her needs? While you were in Asia or wherever the fuck you were? Trust me, I'd listen to me if I was you. I'm the one who's here and I know a lot more about her than you realize. I know exactly what Bella likes and how she likes it."

That was when all hell broke loose. Just hearing him talk about how well he knew her made me fucking irate. His words were dripping with innuendo, and even though I wanted to believe that it wasn't true, there was a tiny possibility that it was true. I wouldn't know because I wasn't fucking here.

Emmett and Jasper dragged me outside and I was so pissed off I wanted to hit the wall.

"Calm the fuck down, Edward," Emmett said, holding my shoulder against the wall to prevent me from doing something stupid.

"Fuck that guy!" I yelled, leaning my head back against the wall.

Before I knew what was happening, I saw Bella walking up to me and all I could think about was Jacob putting his hands on her.

I was mean to her. I was mean to the one person who I loved more than anything in the world and I couldn't stop myself. Her expressions changed from concern, to anger, to disbelief right before my eyes. I basically accused her of sleeping with Jacob, something I knew she wouldn't do. The hurt in her eyes made me feel like the biggest piece of shit, but I let her walk away. I wasn't in the right state of mind to mend things between us, and frankly, I wasn't even sure how to go about it.

_I'm such an asshole. _

We walked quietly back to Bella's place to get Emmett's car. Thankfully, they didn't say much to me because I really wasn't in the mood for a fucking lecture. I knew I fucked up and I didn't need my friends stating the obvious.

I got home, put on my pajama pants, grabbed a beer, and sat down to watch TV. I was seriously wound up and needed to figure out how I was going to make things right again. I didn't know what the fuck my problem was. I trusted Bella. We trusted each other and yet the second Jacob mentioned that there might be something going on between them, I fucking lost it. It was as if he knew the one way to get to me. He knew my biggest insecurity and used it against me.

I debated calling Bella to try to explain my horrible behavior but I had no idea what I'd say. "I'm sorry" seemed woefully inadequate. I kept picking up my phone and staring at it, willing it to ring or provide me with some answers, but it never did.

I was just about to go to bed, when the doorbell rang. I half expected it to be Emmett telling me that he'd gone out after he dropped me off and needed a place to crash. The only person I wanted to see was Bella, and I knew she'd never drive all the way to Coronado after drinking.

I padded over to the door and was shocked to see Bella standing there. She looked so fucking sad and I felt like shit. I felt responsible and it was so unnecessary. I shouldn't have let that asshole get to me. He wasn't worth upsetting Bella. Yet despite my major fuck up, she came to me and I was ecstatic.

I let her in and for a few moments, we avoided eye contact, unsure how to proceed.

"Do you want some water or anything?" I asked, trying to break the silence. She nodded and I went into the kitchen, feeling her eyes burning holes in my back.

"I was going to call you or come over, but I thought you might want some time. I didn't know if you'd even want to talk to me," I said with my back to her as I filled a glass with water. Anxiety filled my body and I felt like a criminal on trial awaiting my sentence.

"I didn't want to leave things like that. I was so angry and I just…" She trailed off and I turned around to see her shaking her head, her eyes fixed on the floor.

_What's she going to say? _

I was seriously worried after seeing the look on her face that she might actually break up with me. Her silence now wasn't helping to ease my mind.

I handed the glass to her and she looked into the cup as if it contained a script then began talking again.

"I didn't sleep with Jake. I never have and I never will. I just wanted you to know that." Her words were methodical, lacking the emotion I knew they contained.

"I know, Bella," I started, "and I'm so fucking sorry. You were right, about everything. I know that doesn't change what happened, or excuse my behavior tonight but I need you to know that I am so sorry for doubting you. I should never have treated you like that. You've told me how you feel, and you always show me how you feel about me. I should trust that. I should trust you, and I'm so sorry that my insecurities came out in the worst way possible tonight."

She set the glass down and stepped toward me slowly until she finally snaked her arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her and clung to her as tight as I could. Her chest heaved and I could tell she was crying again.

"Please don't cry, Bella," I said, pulling back so I could wipe her tears.

"I don't want to fight with you," she said, finally meeting me eyes with hers. "But I need you to trust me. I can't be in a relationship with someone who doubts me."

"I don't want to fight either. And I do trust you. I really do. I was wrong tonight, I know that." I kissed the top of her head, clutching her hair in my hands. If I wasn't careful, I'd push her away. "Please don't leave me."

She sighed in disbelief before she said, "I'm not leaving, Edward. Not now. Not ever."

I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders, as I lifted her chin with my fingers and slowly kissed her soft lips. She tasted salty like tears, but so perfect. It wasn't a lust-filled kiss. It was tender and conveyed all the words I couldn't say.

_I love you so much it hurts. I don't want to live without you. I'm scared to death of how much I need you._

I led her to my room, and helped her off with her clothes. It wasn't sexual. It was just me caring for her, taking care of her.

We both slid into bed and I held her close to me, kissing the top of her head gently.

"Thank you for coming tonight, Bella," I said softly.

"I needed to see you," she admitted, giving me a squeeze.

"This is where you belong." It was as close to telling her my true feelings as I could manage.

"I know." She kissed my chest and gently rubbed my arm. Her breathing slowed and I knew she was asleep. It didn't take long until I fell asleep too, both unhappy and happy with the way the night had progressed.

I was awoken by the sound of my name. Confused, I looked around to find Bella.

_Why is she awake right now?_

"Edward…" I heard again. I realized she was asleep and a smile crept onto my face.

_She's dreaming about me. _

The thought made me incredibly happy. I wondered what her dream consisted of and hoped it was a happy one.

"Edward…" I was pulled from my thoughts by her soft voice again. "Love…Edward."

_Did she just say love?_

* * *

**A/N: **

**So, are you mad at me? Mad at Bella? Mad at Edward? Or all three of us? Leave me a review and let me know what you thought. I've been dreading posting this chapter- seriously dreading it. All the reviews last chapter were so full of hope and all the while I knew that things were going to implode. At least they made up, right? **

**I love my betas, scsquared and TwiHart so much. I really can't explain how much. **

**Thanks to ellierk, jermak99 and Sunfeathers (otherwise known as my pre-reading team!)**

**There's still a thread over on Twilighted if anyone wants to come chat!**

**Reviews=Teasers! **


	7. Chapter 7 Companions

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. **

* * *

**Chapter 7- Companions:**

**EPOV**

"Bella, I can't believe you're bringing all that stuff," I said, pointing to the huge suitcase and matching hang-up bag near the door. "We're only going for a few days."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes, "You really do have a lot to learn about women."

I could see that it was futile. She insisted that she 'needed' every item of clothing she packed. It was the middle of summer, so I couldn't imagine what was so big that it took up that much space. I could, however, imagine lots of little things that could possibly be packed in there. Lots of lacy things or tiny string bikinis. I couldn't wait to see if she brought any of those things.

_A man can hope, can't he?_

Still, it was fun seeing her so enthusiastic about our trip. We were just going up the coast to Laguna Beach for a few days. One of the guys I worked with was from there and gave us a bunch of tips on where to stay and eat. It was important for me to feel prepared and I was anxious to get away and have Bella completely to myself for three days.

Things with Bella had been good, albeit a little odd, since the incident with Jacob at the bar a few months ago, which she had affectionately named "that fucking night". It had been a low point for us and it took a while to recover from it. I wasn't even sure we'd entirely gotten past it and it had been a while. She felt like I didn't trust her. She thought that no matter what Jacob said to chastise me, I should have known that she wouldn't have done anything like that. I could see her point in some ways, but he touched a nerve with me and I didn't know what to believe that night. I was so pissed.

At the same time, I felt like she dismissed my uneasiness as juvenile where her guy friends were concerned. She had admitted to me that she wouldn't be happy if I had a bunch of girlfriends who she didn't know, yet it was like my jealousy was some sort of character flaw. We just agreed to disagree on the subject and tried to get past it as best as we could. It was a taboo subject as far as we both were concerned and had already caused more than enough strife.

That was why I felt like this weekend away was necessary. In some ways, it was as if we had been going through the motions of being a couple. We hung out together, went out together with our friends, but there was something missing. Bella pressed me a little about "where we stood" but I didn't know how to answer that. I wanted to be with her. If I didn't, I wouldn't be wasting my time, so I wasn't sure what it was she needed from me. We weren't talking marriage or anything so I didn't know how to respond. Neither of us had said that we loved each other, and even though I was certain of my feelings, I thought it might be too soon to tell her. I didn't want to rush her into saying something that she might not be ready to say. I also wasn't sure if she would believe me. If she didn't think I trusted her, how could she believe that I loved her? Besides, what was the rush?

The only time I really felt like all our feelings were out on the table was when we made love. I knew without a doubt that we were meant to be together and I didn't need to hear the words to know how she felt. I could feel her love and it confirmed my certainty about Bella. She had to know how I felt about her.

I was hoping that this trip would be what we needed to reconnect and just enjoy each other, away from all of our day-to-day distractions. I wanted us to have fun together, laugh, and be happy. I wanted to show her the playful side that I had mentioned in our emails.

We pulled into the hotel valet and unloaded our bags. It was early afternoon, so we still had quite a bit of daylight left. The hotel was an older hotel right in the heart of town, which was recently renovated. I reserved an ocean view room, which was just as nice in reality as it looked online. It was light and spacious and the large windows that faced the beach were open, allowing the cool breeze to flow through the room. The sounds of children laughing could be heard above the crashing waves. I pulled Bella into a hug and kissed her gently.

"Are you having fun yet?" I asked as I walked us forward until her back was against the wall. She smiled as she kissed me, and then hitched her leg around my hip.

"I am now," she hummed. I reached down and grabbed her leg behind her knee for support, then pressed my hips into her.

She felt incredible against my body and each moan she made caused my dick to get harder and harder until I was throbbing with need for her. Her hands became frantic as they tugged at the hem of my shirt. I set her leg down gently as I reached behind my head and pulled my shirt up and off by the collar.

While I was busy with my shirt, she had gone to work on her dress, which was a simple cotton sundress that she was sliding down her body, shimmying as she went. When the dress was finally off, I slid my hands around her waist and let them slide lower to rest on her lace-covered ass, once again pressing my hips into her.

She threw her head back against the wall. "God, Edward, you feel so good."

I pulled her off the wall and walked us slowly to the bed, never breaking contact with her as I worked at her bra. Finally having success with the clasp, I pulled it from her body to render her almost completely naked. Her skin was so soft and warm. I couldn't wait to be inside of her.

We had been using condoms since we first had sex, but we decided once I was back from deployment that she would go on the pill. We had to wait a month before she could start and then another month for it to be effective and now, we finally felt comfortable not using another form of protection. The thought of being with Bella without anything between us made my already throbbing cock ache more.

She grabbed the top of her panties and pulled them down, bending at the waist to taunt me. Before I knew what was happening, she was sitting on the end of the bed, pulling at my belt. Her movements were slow, teasing me with each step. First the belt, then the button, then the zipper. Each step bringing her closer to the Promised Land. Before she removed my shorts, she stopped with her hands on the top of my low-slung shorts.

"Edward, you have no idea how hot you are!" she said as she raked her eyes over my chest, down my abs and then briefly back up to my eyes. "Every single time I see your body, I just have this overwhelming urge to lick you right here." She ran her index finger lightly over the v-line of my left hip and then she followed with her warm, wet tongue.

"And right….here," she breathed as she repeated the delicious torture on my right hip. I couldn't help the moan that escaped as I watched her lick and kiss me down my hip and over the top of my boxers that barely contained my erection, ending on my left hip where she finished with a nip of her teeth.

When the teasing was done and I was finally naked, her beautiful face was only inches from my very hard, very painful cock. It sought out the warmth of her mouth like a heat-seeking missile.

Watching me with a knowing look on her face, she reached out and gripped the base of my erection and slowly moved her mouth closer. Her tongue slipped out and licked the tip, causing me to jump. I watched as her lips parted and she slid the tip into her mouth, her tongue sliding off the tip down the shaft.

My hands rested on her shoulders, lightly holding the hair away from her face so I could watch her. It was the sexiest fucking thing I'd ever seen, watching her take me into her mouth. My body was on fire from her touch. Each time she would take me in deeper until the tip of my cock hit the back of her throat. I groaned loudly knowing that I could easily come and I didn't want it to be over yet.

"Baby…fuck…you gotta stop…" I was getting close and my self-control was waning under her touch.

She pulled back, looking up at me with her sexy eyes and I couldn't stop myself. I had to be inside her. Using a little more force than I would have liked, I pressed her back down onto the bed and hovered over her, leaning in to kiss her passionately.

"I need you so much, Bella," I said softly as I positioned myself at her entrance. I was crazy with desire, knowing that nothing would be between us. I could feel her heat luring me in. Her slickness made it so that even the slightest movement on my part would cause me to slide into her.

I pressed forward, relishing the feel as I filled her completely. I stilled for a moment to regain composure, the feeling of being skin to skin with her almost too much for me. My eyes closed as I fought off the orgasm that was bubbling under the surface.

"Please…Edward…fuck me…" Bella writhed beneath me and I almost couldn't believe what she had said. It was erotic as hell to hear those words out of her beautiful mouth.

I wrapped one hand around her body, letting it slide to her ass, and rested the other on the bed by her head. Catching on to what I wanted, she wrapped her legs around me as I pulled her hips against my body, the new angle changing the sensation for both of us.

"You want to be fucked, love?" I said, feeling gritty and raw.

She bit her lip and moaned as she nodded, completely unraveling any control I had left. I pulled out of her body and vigorously thrust back into her, using my hand to pull her body to mine. She used her legs to keep me where she wanted me.

_Jesus Christ, so fucking good. _

I continued to pound into her, each pass causing her body to arch and tighten, reaching for the friction that would allow her release. I loved that it was my body that caused this reaction in her. I loved that she could feel all of me, with nothing in between us.

I felt like I could explode at any moment, but I desperately wanted to give her an orgasm. I sat up and grabbed her legs from behind my body, spreading them wide, continuing to move in and out of her. This position was extremely erotic for me, as I could see myself disappear into her heat. She reached down and began to touch herself as I thrust into her and I could tell she was getting close. I knew her body so well. I could read her signs- the way her breathing changed, the way her body flushed with color, the way her muscles tightened. This was a part of Bella that only I knew and I fucking loved it.

"Bella…I'm so close…fuck…so good…"

Before I could get a full sentence out, I felt her walls tighten around me as she screamed out in ecstasy. It was so much more powerful without a condom and I couldn't stop myself from exploding into her, grunting loudly, completely overpowered by the sensations.

"Oh God…Edward…that was…fuck…" She ran her hands through her hair as she panted heavily, her skin perfectly flushed. She was sensational.

We lay together on the bed, kissing softly and caressing each other for what felt like an hour. It was nice not to be in a rush. We had no schedule. We could just be us.

"I'm going to take a quick shower," Bella said softly. "Then I think we should go to the beach."

"I'm up for anything." After what we had just done, nothing could be more truthful. I'd follow her anywhere.

She flashed me a bright smile, grabbed a handful of stuff from the suitcases and disappeared into the shower. I ruffled around my duffel, finding my trunks and sliding them on. A few minutes later, she emerged wearing a red bikini and a see-through white wrap-around skirt. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she wore a wide-brimmed hat on.

_Stunning._

I stood from the chair I was sitting in, slithered over to her and pulled her into a hug.

"You expect me to let you out of this room looking this good?" I kissed her neck as she huffed in protest.

"Edward, have you looked in a mirror lately?" she asked, playfully rubbing circles on my chest. "I mean, if anyone should be worried, it should be me. Every female down on the beach is going to be drooling over you and wondering what it would be like to run their tongues over every single one of your muscles, or how hard they could dig their nails into your back as you make them scream. The only thing that will keep me sane is knowing that I already did that today and I plan on doing it again once we return to our room."

She flashed me an adorable smirk and it made me feel good to know that she thought I was attractive. It felt even better knowing that she already had plans for later today that sounded pretty damn good. She was a little protective of me but she had no reason to be. I only had eyes for her.

"You have nothing to worry about Bella. There is no one else for me," I whispered as I kissed her gently.

We called a truce and made our way through the lobby to the beach. The hotel had a private beach, complete with a towel service, lounge chairs and food servers. It was heaven. The sun was hot, but there was very little humidity. It was perfect. We lounged under umbrellas, played in the water, played Frisbee and forgot about everything but just being together. I was really happy.

That night, after Bella made good on her comment, we had dinner and drinks at a restaurant up on the cliff overlooking the water downtown and walked around the town, ducking in and out of the art galleries and shops. That would normally not interest me, but with her it was fun. We even had ice cream as we walked back to our hotel. We made love to the sound of the ocean and slept soundly, lazily sleeping in until we couldn't justify not getting up.

We ambled down to the beach, surprisingly groggy from the margaritas the night before and found our chairs again. There was nothing more relaxing than sitting on the beach with my girl.

I was keeping careful watch on the time though as I had a surprise for Bella.

I leaned over the back of her chair, where she was engrossed in some romance novel, and kissed her nose. "We should head up; we've got to get ready."

She looked up at me, confused. "But, it's only 3:00?"

I pulled her up off the chair and handed her the beach bag. "Trust me."

She smiled and shook her head as we gathered the rest of our things and walked up to our room. I hopped into the shower first, as I knew she'd take over the bathroom and I'd be banished.

"Will you at least tell me how I should dress?" she asked from behind me as she slid her hands around my waist, dipping her fingers below the towel I was wearing. She smirked at me as I raised my eyebrows suspiciously. She turned and walked to the shower, turning the nozzle to hot as she slid out of her bathing suit and stepped in, disappearing into the steam.

My body definitely did not lose sight of the fact that she had stripped in front of me and was now just a few feet from me in the shower, but I didn't want to get derailed and miss what I had planned. I took a sip of water and tried to think about anything other than the gorgeous woman in the shower.

"Wear a dress. That's all you need to know." I raised my voice so she could hear me over the shower.

I walked into the room, thankful that my mind had overpowered my body allowing me to not climb back into the shower with Bella. .

Nights here were cool, so I wore a lightweight pair of pants, slip on leather shoes and a Tommy Bahama button down shirt.

I went out on the balcony to wait for Bella and watched a young family playing in the sand at the water's edge. I had never thought about kids, or having them, but watching this family made me think about the future and how fun it would be to bring our kids here someday.

_Our kids?_

Bella emerged from the bathroom looking like perfection. She had on a white dress that tied around her neck and was low cut enough that I could almost make out the entire shape of her breasts. The dress was lightweight and flowed to her knees. She had on gold high-heeled sandals and gold jewelry. Her hair was down, with a slight curl that framed her face. I knew judging from the kinds of products in her bathroom bag that Bella wore makeup but it only seemed to enhance her natural beauty. For as much time as she spent getting ready, she never looked made up.

"If I thought the bikini was bad…" I shook my head as I trailed off and walked towards her, still fighting the urge to devour her

She smiled and kissed my cheek. "Does that mean you like my dress?"

"Yes Bella, I like your dress. A lot," I confirmed as I gently kissed her cheek in return, careful not to compromise her handiwork.

"Thank you Edward. You always make me feel beautiful." She smiled brightly.

"You are gorgeous." I gently took her hand.

"Well, you look quite beautiful yourself, sailor," she teased. I rolled my eyes and gave her another kiss on the cheek.

We grabbed our things and walked the few blocks to the restaurant. We had to have an early reservation because the show I had planned started at sunset. The meal was delicious and we laughed and talked as we ate. I still hadn't told her our plans, but she didn't seem to mind. I liked that she was so spontaneous. It countered my meticulous nature.

"Okay Edward, you can't put it off any longer," she finally said over dessert. "What's the big surprise?"

I grabbed her hands across the table. "Do you know what this town is famous for?"

She looked at me, confused. "No, should I?"

"There's a show that happens every year. It goes on for about a month each summer. It's called The Pageant of the Masters. Anyway, I don't know if I can describe it that well, but I've been told that it's a must-see while here."

"So, what is it?" She looked intrigued.

"It's an art show. It's difficult to explain. They showcase all different kinds of art on a stage in an outdoor amphitheater. The thing that makes it unique is that there are real people in the frames. They stay perfectly still and you can't tell that there are real people in the pictures at all. I saw it online when I was booking the tickets and it looked really incredible."

She lit up. "Sounds interesting. I'm excited to see it."

We finished eating our dessert and hopped on the local trolley that would take us to the festival grounds. It was almost twilight as we arrived and took our seats. The show began and I had never seen anything like it. It was incredible. We had binoculars and stared at the pictures, completely unable to tell that the people were real. They did Monet, Renoir, Michelangelo, all the greats. It was extremely impressive.

But what made the whole night fun was watching Bella's reaction. She was entranced and kept leaning over to me, whispering in amazement.

_God, I love this woman. _

When the show was over, we walked lazily back to our hotel and found a spot in the beachside bar that overlooked the water. I ordered us a couple glasses of champagne, to which Bella smiled. Apparently my beverage choice surprised her.

"Edward, can I ask you a personal question?" Bella asked out of the blue as we sipped our drinks.

"You can ask me anything!" I said sincerely, curious about the cautious tone in her voice.

"I've been really wondering about what happened to your mother."

I sighed loudly and set my glass down. It was hard for me to talk about my mom.

"She died a few years ago from cancer. It was the strangest thing because one day she was fine and the next, she wasn't. She had just come out to visit me and everything was fine. She had no symptoms. Then a few months later, she got really sick. At first, they thought it was the flu, and then they thought it was hepatitis. When they finally ran tests, they discovered that she had stage IV cancer in her liver, lungs and brain."

"Oh my God, Edward. That's horrible. They didn't know before that?" She grabbed my hands across the table and looked at me sympathetically.

I shook my head. "Not a thing. Anyway, I had to leave work and take care of her, which was a huge ordeal, but something I had to do. I was all she had and vice versa. She died about six weeks after her initial diagnosis. And that was it."

I felt the lump in my throat as I tried not to get upset. Losing my mom had been the hardest thing I'd ever been faced with in my life and I'd never felt more alone in the world than the moment she took her last breath. It was horrendous.

"I'm so sorry. I mean, you told me before that she died of cancer, but I had no idea it was so sudden," Bella said softly.

"I watched her deteriorate in front of me. At the end, she didn't know who I was. She was so thin and in so much pain. She no longer looked like herself. She was a shell of the woman she once was. Words can't really describe how awful it was to see someone I loved so much suffer like she did." I really didn't want to relive that time in my life, but I couldn't deny Bella her answer. She only asked because she cared.

"Well, it's a wonder you recovered as well as you did. Most people wouldn't have coped as well." She was so empathetic and positive. I loved that about her.

"I'm not recovered. I'll never recover. She was all I had and as I watched her take her last breath, I knew that I was all alone in this world. Why do you think it's so hard for me to be close to anyone? I don't even know how to let people in anymore. It's like I just closed up after that. My friends tried to be there for me, but it's not the same as family. For a long time I didn't want to love anyone because then I wouldn't suffer if something happened. I know it's a shitty attitude, but I was really messed up. It's hard being so alone."

"You aren't alone, Edward. You have me. And anyone would have reacted the same way. At least you recognize it. That's huge."

"I push people away. I've done it to you and you are the last person that I want to push away," I confessed, a little shocked at the sudden turn in the conversation.

"You can't push me away. I'm here to stay."

In a million years, I would never be able to explain how significant those words were to me. My heart soared.

* * *

**A/N: If you've never been to the Pageant of the Masters in Laguna Beach, you should definitely see it. It's incredible. It's hard to describe, but it's very impressive. **

**Anyhow I just thought our couple should have a little fun even thought Edward is a *tad* bit clueless about what women want/need to hear from their men. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. **

**As always, scsquared and TwiHart, my betas helped me so much. Lots of love to my pre-reading team, ellierk, Sunfeathers, and jermak99 too. **

**Reviews=Teasers**

**Fic Rec- if you haven't read This is Not my Life by Isakassees, run, don't walk to my favorites and read it. Seriously. **


	8. Chapter 8 Lost

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. **

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Chapter 8- Lost:

**BPOV**

I knocked on the door, excited to see Edward. This week had been hectic at work and I'd been putting in a lot of extra hours. We had only seen each other a couple of days all week, but it was Friday night, so I was really looking forward to spending quality time together. We had the whole weekend and I couldn't wait.

His apartment was sweltering when I walked in, the August afternoon sun blaring through the windows. No amount of breeze from the open windows could provide a reprieve from the heat.

Edward had just come from the beach, after a quick trip surfing, so he only had on his trunks. I couldn't stop ogling him when he wasn't looking. Well, mostly when he wasn't looking. He caught me a few times and just smirked playfully back at me.

He was making me dinner, which was so sweet and completely unexpected. He knew how hard I'd been working and wanted to do something nice for me. In all the times we'd eaten together, he'd never done much more than grill, so I had no idea what to expect.

"I'm just going to have a quick shower," Edward said over his shoulder as he walked toward his bedroom. "Make yourself at home. There's some wine in the fridge if you're interested."

I poured myself a glass of wine and thumbed through the magazines on the coffee table while I waited for Edward to return. His apartment was considerably nicer than when we'd first met. I'd helped him turn it from a stark, generic environment into a comfortable home. It smelled like him and I couldn't help but daydream as I perused his Surfing magazine. I thought about having a home with Edward one day and how wonderful it would be to know that we could spend every night together.

Edward finally emerged, and pulled me off the couch into a hug. His hands rested on my ass and I felt his lips brushing my neck. "Sorry you had to wait."

I hummed as I tilted my head to allow him all the access he wanted. "I expect to be fully compensated for my time."

He chuckled as he squeezed my ass tightly before releasing me to walk toward the kitchen.

"So, what's on the menu?" I asked, still curious about how the meal would turn out.

"Well, I'm going to grill some tuna steaks that I bought fresh off the boat today. Then I've got some asparagus with hollandaise and rice. How does that sound?" He opened the fridge and grabbed several items as he spoke.

_Hollandaise? He's making hollandaise?_

"It sounds delicious," I said, raising my eyebrows in shock. "Where did you learn to cook? And when?"

"My mom." He lowered his eyes, pretending to focus on washing the asparagus.

"Oh. Sorry."

"Don't be. It was something that we both liked to do. I'm glad I know how to cook. I get to impress the ladies, you know?" he said playfully, detracting from the seriousness of the moment before.

I walked around behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Well, the ladies are definitely impressed. At least this one is."

He flicked his wet fingers at me, splashing water in my face and I laughed. I loved it when Edward was like this.

I tried to help with dinner, but Edward kept shooing me out of the kitchen. Instead, I did whatever I could. I lit the candles and dimmed the lights. It was still light outside, but the sun was getting low in the sky, casting long shadows.

We sat down to eat and I couldn't believe that Edward had made such an amazing looking meal. It looked like something a restaurant would serve. He lifted his wine glass to toast and I dropped my fork to meet him halfway.

"To my beautiful girlfriend who's been working way too hard lately," he said as our glasses clinked.

I smiled and felt as happy as I'd felt in a long time. Being with Edward like this reminded me of how much he had come to mean to me. We didn't have to be doing anything special. Simply sharing a nice meal felt like a dream.

"Bella, I have to tell you something, but I don't want you to worry," Edward said, the light tone from before gone from his voice.

I set my glass down, concerned. "What is it?"

He reached across the table and took my hands as I filled with dread. What was he holding back?

"I got orders today." His eyes pierced through me.

I swallowed, but the lump in my throat wouldn't dissipate. "What kind of orders?"

He gently rubbed circles on the back of my hands and lowered his eyes before he spoke. "The kind that take me away again."

_Oh God, I can't do this._

A tear streamed out of my eye before I could even get a word out and Edward reached across to wipe it off my face.

"Bella, listen to me," he implored, giving my hands a quick squeeze so I'd look directly at him. "It'll be okay. I feel more confident than ever that we can get through this."

I knew we could do it, I just didn't want to. I couldn't bear to have him leave again. He'd only been home for a few months.

"Bella?" he asked, pulling me from my thoughts. "Please say something."

I sighed and pulled my hands from his grasp so I could wipe the tears that were now flowing freely down my cheeks. "I know it'll be okay. I'm just sad. I don't want you to go."

"I know, I don't want to leave either." His gaze never left mine, but I couldn't look at him. I didn't want him to see how profoundly this news had rocked me. He needed to go and not worry about me.

"Can you tell me any specifics?" I asked, knowing that most of the details were considered confidential.

He took a sip of wine and nodded. "Well, I'll be training in Virginia for about a month. We will deploy straight from there and hopefully be back here by Christmas."

_Christmas! Oh my God._

"That's four months," I said shakily. "I don't even want to think about it."

"Bella, please don't let this hang over us. I leave in two weeks and I want to spend as much time as I can with you before I go. I don't want you to be sad. We have this nice dinner and I don't want to waste it being upset about things we can't control."

I fought back the tears and tried to compose myself. I didn't want him to worry about me, but it was so hard not to scream out in frustration. It would be one thing if I knew that once he did this one thing, there wouldn't be any more long separations after that. But it could happen at any time, for any length of time as long as he was on active duty.

We finished dinner and managed to salvage the mood. I sat between his legs with his arms wrapped around me as we watched a movie and was able to let everything go. He made me feel safe and loved and I'd take that feeling any day, even if it meant that I'd have to do without at times.

The entire night, he was tender and sweet, gently rubbing my arms as we watched the movie. He'd kiss my shoulder every so often and never let me go for more than a few minutes without an outward show of his affection. I loved it.

As we went to bed that night, he pulled me close and we made love for what seemed like hours. He touched me gently and I felt how much he needed me. As he moved, there was so much passion in his eyes, so many things that were unsaid, but definitely felt.

I suspected Edward was holding back and I knew it was hard for him to open up. I was keeping things from Edward too. I'd never told him that I loved him, a fact that I knew without a doubt the night we had our big fight. Just the thought of possibly being without him made me uneasy and tense. He was part of me. I didn't want to live without him for any length of time.

I knew I should have told him how I felt, but I was hesitant because I didn't want to feel the sting of rejection if he didn't feel the same way. I realized that it took taking that risk to potentially reap the reward of knowing if he felt the same, but it was easier to be a coward about it. I could wait until he was ready, and I could hold onto some hope that he loved me as much as I loved him while he was away.

The two weeks passed by more quickly than I could have imagined. When I was involved in a boring project at work, the days seemingly dragged on forever. But when I wanted to cherish every moment, they fly by.

Edward was unusually quiet the night before he left. I was getting used to it. It was like he had to mentally separate himself from everything here in order to be able to leave and effectively do his job. We had a candlelight dinner, which was quickly becoming a tradition, and made love. He made sure to worship my body and it was heaven. Sadly, it also reminded me of what I would be missing while he was away.

The morning came too soon and we drove in silence to the base. I fruitlessly fought back the tears as I pulled into the parking spot on base, put the car in park and reluctantly got out.

"I can't do a big goodbye, Edward. It kills me a little more every time you leave," I said, wiping the tears from my face.

He looked like he was about to burst into tears as he pulled me into a hug, clutching at me as though I was about to vanish.

"I wish I didn't have to go, Bella," he said, his voice cracking. "I'll miss you so much."

By this time, I was in a full-blown sob, completely unable to contain my grief over the situation. I pounded my fists into his chest as my forehead rested against it.

"Fuck, this isn't fair! You just got back!" I was so angry with the Navy for taking him away again.

"It'll go quickly. With the holidays coming up, you'll be busy and before you know it, I'll be home." He rubbed his hands along my arms in reassurance.

"Be safe, Edward," I said quietly as I wrapped my arms around him again. "I'll miss you."

"I will be safe and I'll miss you more than you know." Edward pulled back slightly and moved his hand to my chin lifting my face to make eye contact. He slowly leaned in and kissed me, the kiss deepening with each passing minute. I melted into him and each of us moaned softly in desperation.

"You'd better go," I said, breaking the kiss. He nodded and bent to pick up his bag.

"Check your inbox tonight," he said as he walked away. "I'll write as soon as I get settled."

It was August 19th. He was gone again.

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I wiped my tears and took a deep breath as I turned and got into my car. With the engine running, I slumped into the driver's seat and rested my head on the steering wheel, letting out the remaining tears I had. I felt hollow, incomplete. Christmas seemed like forever away.

After I composed myself, I called Alice and we made plans to go out that night. We both needed the distraction. I called Rosalie and the guys and we all planned to meet at Jake's house and then go out from there as he lived close to the fun bars at the beach. It would be a welcome distraction from my gloomy day.

I shouldn't have had so much to drink at Jake's house. Drinking wouldn't bring Edward back, but for some reason, I felt like it would make everything better. I had to admit, I was feeling pretty numb.

"Bella, you're having a shot?" Jacob asked as I grabbed the tequila from the cupboard and pulled a shot glass down.

Things between Jacob and me had slowly improved since the night of the fight between him and Edward. I was so mad at him that I didn't talk to him for almost a week following that night. He called me every day, but I just needed time to process everything that had happened. He was one of my best friends, but his reluctance to accept Edward drove a serious wedge between us. He blamed Edward. Edward blamed him. I blamed both of them.

I finally agreed to talk to him after about a week when I had sufficiently calmed down. It was a fairly one-sided discussion. Either he put aside his differences with Edward for me, or I couldn't hang out with him. Edward was a permanent fixture in my life, at least I hoped he was, and if Jacob couldn't respect him then I'd have no choice but to put our friendship aside.

He was remarkably sweet about the whole thing and took complete responsibility. While I couldn't say that he and Edward would ever be buddies, I was at least willing to give him another chance.

I downed the shot and winced at the horrible taste of the tequila as it slid down my throat, shivering as I reached for a lime.

"Holy crap," I said as I finished sucking the life out of the lime wedge. "God, I hate tequila."

"Bella, it does beg the question as to why you're drinking it, then," Alice chimed in as she poured herself a glass of wine.

"It's the quickest way to get from point A to point B," I pointed out to Alice, whom I knew had used the same method in the past, as I'd been there to witness the spectacle that is Drunk Alice.

"True, but is the day after really worth the shorter trip?" she asked as she shook her head and walked out onto the balcony, where everyone was congregating while watching the sunset.

We left Jake's house just after dark and headed to a small Irish pub that had a singer who played the guitar. The music was lively and the atmosphere was energetic. Irish pubs always had the most fun people in them.

I watched as this guy approached a woman at the bar. I guessed that he knew her because it wasn't very long after that that I witnessed his hands roaming all over her back. I was entertained watching the progression unfolding in front of my eyes. The more drinks they had, the more groping went on. After a while, they both stood and moved to a spot in the corner, where it appeared they felt more comfortable making out.

I felt envious. It would be a long time before I felt Edward's touch. This thought process led to me ordering another drink, which was the beginning of the end for me.

I stood up, needing to go to the bathroom. The crowded bar proved more difficult to maneuver than I had originally thought and the line for the bathroom was daunting.

A very good-looking guy was standing near the line for the bathroom. There were no seats or tables left, so people had to stand wherever there was room. He struck up a conversation with me and I obliged him. He seemed nice enough. People kept walking by and the hallway was pretty narrow, so he kept getting pushed into me, which made me uncomfortable but he actually seemed to enjoy it. I was feeling very buzzed and had to pee so badly that I thought I might go in my pants and it was about all I could concentrate on.

Before I even knew what hit me, a very annoyed looking Jacob dragged me out of line.

"Bella, what the fuck are you doing?" he shouted over the noise of the crowd.

I winced at his words. "What? I've got to pee really, really bad. I thought that was obvious."

"Don't play dumb with me," he growled. "That guy was hitting on you."

I rolled my eyes. "Please Jake, I was waiting in line for the bathroom and he just kept me company. It was harmless."

"Look, Bells, you're pretty wasted." Jake seemed to soften when he noticed how upset I was getting. He gently put his hand on my shoulder. "I just don't like to see you doing anything you'll regret. You're my girl, you know? Just watch yourself."

With that, he turned and walked off toward the bar. I felt a little guilty, even though I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. Why was Jake acting so possessive of me? Was I not supposed to talk to anyone? The alcohol was making me feel a little over-emotional and I suddenly felt like crying. None of this would be happening if Edward were around.

The girl who had been behind me in line was nice enough to let me back in so I could pee. She must have seen the combination of pain from my bladder and emotional distress all over my face and taken pity on me.

I felt the tears building up and as soon as I was done in the bathroom, I pushed my way outside, slumping against the exterior wall of the pub.

I fucking missed Edward and no one could take my mind off that simple fact. I missed everything about him.

The rest of the night got blurrier and blurrier. I continued to drink, which was completely stupid. I could feel myself getting sloppy but I desperately wanted the pain to go away. I needed it to go away.

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Pain.

My eyes felt glued shut.

I could hear muffled voices, but nothing distinct. I felt like I was in a fishbowl, garbled and unclear.

I had the worst taste in my mouth. It was dry and my teeth felt furry. Fuck, I think something died in there.

_Ugh. Yuck. _

I sighed heavily and tried to think of the last thing I remembered. I vaguely remembered going back into the bar. Bits and pieces, like still photographs flashed in my mind. I could remember talking to people, but I had no idea who or what about. I remembered falling down at some point, but I had no idea what happened next.

My head hurt.

I opened my eyes, and my vision was blurry from having slept in my contacts.

_What the fuck happened?_

I glanced down and noticed that I was wearing men's sweat pants, which were swimming on me and rolled over so they would stay up. I had a huge black t-shirt on that also appeared to be a men's shirt.

_Where the fuck am I?  
_

I sat up and looked around the room, slightly panicked about my whereabouts. I recognized them instantly and fell back onto the pillow.

_Shit._

Just then, the door opened and I looked up, trying to clear my pounding head.

"Jake?"

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**A/N: Uh oh! This could be bad for Bella. What do you think? Hang in there with me! I promise there's a method to my madness.**

**I realized with my last chapter that I haven't properly thanked my readers in a while. I can't even tell you how happy it makes me to see your alert adds, favorites, and reviews in my Inbox. I know authors say this all the time, but it makes the whole writing process SO much more fun. So, please, please leave me a review! It's the only feedback I get! **

**Reviews=Teasers**

**Also, the biggest compliment you can give me if you are enjoying the story is to tell your friends. It's so hard to get the word out and word of mouth is very powerful. **

**Thanks to my betas, scsquared and TwiHart, as well as my pre-readers, ellierk, jermak99 and Sunfeathers! **


	9. Chapter 9 Stirring the Pot

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Chapter 9- Stirring the Pot:**

**EPOV**

Each time I had to say goodbye to Bella, it got harder. Her frustration over my leaving made me feel terrible. I hated delivering the news that I had to deploy because I knew it would tear her apart.

The morning of my deployment after I left her went by quickly so I was mostly able to distract myself from my thoughts about Bella. Still, while I was getting my things together, I couldn't help but wonder how she was holding up. The flight to the East Coast was long but I had my friends with me, so I didn't wallow in sadness, despite already missing Bella terribly.

The plane landed and we emerged, the muggy air making my breathing difficult. It was very different from the salty, temperate air of San Diego and each breath reminded me of that fact.

I settled into the barracks, feeling like I was a freshman in college moving into the dorms. The halls were loud since our entire unit, including Emmett and Jasper, had just arrived and was unpacking. We were going to be training with the group of SEALs who were stationed here. The training itself was going to be a combination of classroom work and field work, which we were used to, having completed several similar trainings in the past.

Emmett and Jasper had similar goodbyes with their girlfriends as I had with Bella, so I knew they understood why I wanted to be alone that first night. I tried calling her, but her phone went straight to voice mail so I sat at my rickety desk and typed an email.

_August 19th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: It's Dreary Here _

_Each time we part, I leave a little bit more of my heart with you in San Diego. I have mixed feelings because this is what I do, who I am, but it doesn't feel right to me because you're not here. _

_It pains me to think that I've hurt you by leaving (and in more ways than that, when you think about it). You are the last person I would ever hurt. You know that, don't you? I know we've been through a lot of crap, but I hope we've learned from our mistakes. _

_I'm rambling. I just miss you. _

_Edward_

I closed the computer, lay back on my ridiculously small, military issue bed, and tried to get some sleep. At least in my dreams, I could feel her and kiss her. At least her body could wrap around mine for a few hours until I woke. I could see that sleeping would quickly become my favorite part of the day.

The next day we started bright and early. So much for letting us get acclimated before diving right into the serious coursework. The classroom was stark with minimal décor, which was typical for government buildings. I knew quite a few of the East Coast guys, so we chatted for a few minutes before class, killing time. We were a competitive bunch and there had always been a friendly rivalry between the East Coast and the West Coast SEALs. The banter was light until the instructor descended on the classroom. We had these types of trainings frequently so we all knew that we were in for long, tiring day.

I sat in the stark room day after day, listening to the instructor prattle on about various weaponry and tactics, trying like hell to focus but my mind inevitably wandered. At least the fieldwork sufficiently diverted my attention. Bella and I talked every day on the phone. Hearing her voice made me feel connected to her. Neither one of us was really good on the phone, so as much as we wanted to talk to each other, our conversations were mostly small talk. The insignificant details of our day that we talked about in person seemed almost too insignificant to mention over the phone.

Our emails had always been different, though. There was a closeness that I looked forward to with each one. Last night, Bella had sent me a playful email, talking about a very vivid dream she'd had and it was proving to be quite a good distraction for me. She could be quite sexy in her dreams and I enjoyed thinking about her writhing in her sleep while visions of us together floated around in her head. There was nothing better than going back to the stark barracks at night and having an email from Bella waiting for me, especially one like that. It made my day.

"Edward…hellloooo?" I looked up and saw my friend Demetri glancing down at me, pulling me quickly from my thoughts. I had been looking out the window at the trees right outside the classroom and completely missed the class being dismissed.

"Uh, sorry," I said, shaking my head. "What's up?"

"A bunch of us are going out tonight," he said with a quick nod. "You in?"

I hadn't been out in the nearly two weeks since I'd been here and it sounded like fun. At least I wouldn't have to sit at home and whack off to Bella's sexy email, not that I wouldn't be saving it and reading it repeatedly regardless. Still, a break from the monotony sounded refreshing.

I agreed to go out and gathered my stuff to go home. I stopped at Jasper's door on the way to my room and he was already lying on his bed with his arms behind his head, reading a book.

"Hey, you going out with Demetri and those guys tonight?" I asked, leaning on the doorjamb.

"Nah, they get pretty rowdy so I think I'm going to stay in. Speaking of rowdy, sounds like your girl got pretty drunk the night we left. Alice said she had to babysit her all night." Jasper chuckled lightly to himself as if it was common knowledge.

_Bella was drunk? She didn't tell me about that._

I blew off his comment, even though it was bugging me. It annoyed me to think of Bella getting drunk and going out when I wasn't there. It annoyed me even further to know that it had been because of my leaving.

"Who the hell knows," I said, trying to change the subject. "I'll catch you tomorrow."

I patted the doorjamb as I left and walked the short distance to my room, thoughts of Bella filling my head. I threw my stuff on the bed and sat down at the desk to see if Bella had written. Thankfully, she had and a wide smile crept onto my face as I read about her day. I wanted to write a response, but everyone was leaving to go out, so it would have to wait.

We started off the night just grabbing a quick bite to eat. I only saw these guys a couple times a year, so it was fun hanging out with them. Emmett came along too, but most of the other guys from our team stayed in.

I found myself with a shot glass in front of me at the first bar we went to and didn't complain as I tipped it back, letting the cool liquid sting my throat. I needed a little numbness.

As the drinks flowed and the group got louder and louder, everything seemed funny. Somewhere along the line, someone got it in their head that we should go to a strip club. I was too far gone to put up much of a fight and it wasn't that far from the base, so I could always leave if I wanted to.

I had forgotten how disgusting the inside of those clubs were. I realized that nice décor wasn't usually on the minds of most of the patrons, but if I really stopped and looked around, the place was pretty gross. It had the smell of cigarettes, even though smoking was illegal. Years worth of old tobacco was burned into the carpet and walls. The room was dark, which was a good thing since even in the dim light I could see that it hadn't been properly cleaned in a while.

We were a popular bunch as soon as we showed up and they put several tables together to accommodate us. The scantily clad cocktail waitress took our order and I decided it was probably best for me to downgrade to beer. I was still pretty buzzed from the shots I'd done earlier.

A new girl came onto the stage, this one brunette with big, fake boobs. The guys were whistling and giving her plenty of attention and she seemed to love it. I had fun hanging out with the guys, but I really wasn't interested in some stripper so I ignored her except to be polite. Apparently, she wasn't used to being ignored so she honed in on me, coming over to grind on my lap. The guys were egging me on, but I didn't want some cheap piece of ass. She thought she was so sexy, and maybe in a former life of mine she would have been, but all she looked like tonight was trash. She couldn't hold a candle to my Bella.

The booze was having its effect on me though, and the longer the night went on, the more I thought of Bella. I craved her touch and being drunk just made it worse. The stupid stripper grinding all over my junk had caused me to get hard and I actually felt guilty about it. I shouldn't have been here, letting some girl do that to me. Even though it was relatively harmless, I had to get out of there. I didn't want to be doing anything that might upset Bella.

I adjusted my pants as I stood and threw a couple of dollars onto the table, definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol when I stood. I needed to get home.

I decided to walk back to the base. The fresh air would sober me up and do me well. I felt like shit. How was it that instead of holding my beautiful Bella, I was here three thousand miles away with some crack whore stripper attempting to grind all over me?

Then I remembered what Jasper had said about Bella getting a little out of hand the night we left and I became curious. What did she do that would make Alice specifically mention it to Jasper?

I trusted Bella. We had been through too much shit together for me to doubt her again, but people do stupid things when they're drunk. I knew about that all too well as I myself was walking home alone from a strip club.

I sat down when I got back to my room and decided to write Bella.

_August 30th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Night Out _

_We went out tonight. It was a bunch of the VA guys. Emmett tagged along too. I drank too much and ended up walking home. Fun night, huh? _

_Speaking of fun nights, I heard you had a rough night when I left. Perhaps there's a good story there? (You didn't think that Alice would keep that secret, did you?)_

_Do you know what the best part of the night was? When I realized that you were just on the other side of this keyboard. When I realized that I could sit here and type and you'd get my words. You'd hear me. _

_Most nights I feel so alone and it gives me so comfort to know that you are just a click or a call away. It's a dumb thought, I know._

_I think I might still be drunk. Miss you, love._

_Edward_

I closed my eyes and let Bella steal my dreams, my head still spinning from the alcohol. Should I call her? I glanced at the clock and the lateness of the hour made me decide against it. I didn't want to talk to her in my current state and I hadn't been completely forthcoming about my night in my email, which made me feel ashamed. I didn't deserve someone like Bella.

The alarm went off excessively early and I got up reluctantly, cursing myself for agreeing to meet Jasper at the gym downstairs. The fucker probably had a full night's sleep and I knew he'd had considerably less alcohol, so this workout would be interesting.

The workout turned out to be just what I needed. Despite being generally annoyed about the early hour, I had a lot of frustration that I wanted to work out. I'd woken up every day with a hard on that could cut glass, whacking off practically every time I showered. I ran my ass off on the treadmill as I thought about how much I worried about Bella and missed her. I wasn't even one month in and the frustration was in full force.

Jasper noticed that something was bothering me, but promptly dropped it seeing me wince and clam up. I was normally fairly open with Jasper since he was in the same boat as I was, but today I felt like keeping my thoughts to myself.

"I went shopping the other night," Jasper said, running next to me on a treadmill.

"Thanks for the play by play, Jasper," I teased. "I took a shit the other day."

He smiled and punched me in the arm, "No, you asshole, I went ring shopping."

I hit the stop button on my treadmill and grabbed my towel to wipe my face. "You bought a ring? For Alice?"

He gave me a "who the fuck do you think it's for" look, then reached for his own towel. "Yeah, for Alice. I love her, what can I say?"

I couldn't believe that Jasper was going to propose to Alice. I always mentally compared their relationship to Bella's and mine and it seemed so surreal that they were going to get married. It wasn't that I didn't think about that with Bella, but it always seemed like there was plenty of time. What was the rush? She knew how I felt about her, right?

The truth was that when I thought about my future, Bella was always in it. I couldn't imagine my life without her.

"Hey man, congrats," I said, slapping Jasper on the arm. "That's awesome."

He looked at me quizzically and said, "Yeah well, you'll be the next one to fall."

"I don't know about that," I said uneasily.

"You're just being stubborn. You know I'm right."

With that, he grabbed his bag and flung it on his shoulder to leave. "I'll see you at class," he said as he glanced at me on his way out the door.

_Jasper was getting married? I was the next one to fall? What the fuck?_

I was happy to see a response from Bella awaiting me when I returned from my shower. I sat down, not even bothering to get dressed first.

_August 31st_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: Re: Night Out _

_Love? I think you WERE still drunk when you wrote that email. LOL._

_I seriously want to forget that night you left. Everything about it was wretched, starting with the horrible goodbye and ending with me passed out. Not a flattering picture, let me tell you. I think I thought that if I drank enough, I'd realize that you leaving was just a big mistake. Sadly, reality was much harsher. _

_I'm here for you anytime. I really am just a click away. I hope you're doing better this morning. You sounded so sad last night. I can empathize with you. Coming home and realizing that you aren't here to hold me in bed makes me sad every night. _

_I can't wait to see you. _

_Bella_

I was both excited to read her email and slightly bothered. What the hell had happened the night I left? I tried to make my question sound light-hearted, but I was genuinely curious.

I couldn't believe she called me out on the love comment. She knew I loved her. I showed her all the time. Could she really doubt my feelings? I thought I was so obvious. I guess I hadn't actually told her, but I would have to remedy that as soon as I got back. It wasn't the sort of thing that should be said for the first time in an email. I definitely didn't want her wandering around San Diego wondering how I felt about her. She deserved to know and I was going to tell her as soon as I got back.

I got back from class and dinner that night anxious to call Bella. It would be late enough in California that she should be home and able to talk. We had been playing phone tag and even though we'd written each other, I missed hearing her voice. I dialed the number and sat back on the bed as it rang.

"Hello?" I sighed as I heard her soft voice.

"Hi baby," I said softly, the contentment oozing out of me.

"Oh my God, Edward," she said happily. "It's so funny that you called, I was just thinking about you."

"Oh really?" I smiled, enjoying the fact that I was in her thoughts. "And what were you thinking about me?"

She chuckled and I could tell that she was deciding how to answer me. "I was thinking how good I feel when I'm in your arms and how much I miss your kisses and what they do to me."

_Now we're getting somewhere._

"Hmm, I like the sound of that. So tell me, what do my kisses do to you?" I wanted to play.

Catching on, she obliged. "They make me lose control. I get lost in you."

"Bella," I sighed, "you have no idea how much I miss your kisses. I miss your gentle touch. God…"

"Edward, if you keep this up, I have a feeling my lonely little vibrator isn't going to be so lonely tonight."

"Wait, what? You have a vibrator?" My curiosity was piqued and the images my mind conjured made me instantly hard.

She laughed softly and I could tell she was embarrassed but I wasn't going to let it go. "Edward, you're gone for an awfully long time. Are you really surprised?"

I shifted myself in my pants and sat up slightly, the conversation having taken a somewhat unexpected and exciting turn. "Well, I'm not entirely surprised; I just didn't know you had one. I think you should go into your room and get it. I think I need to hear some confirmation that my girl's needs are being met."

"I'm on my way," she said with a sexy undertone. I could hear shuffling and drawers opening and then she finally confirmed that she had it.

I instructed her to take off her clothes and climb into bed. The sounds of her room enticed me as I visualized what she was doing. I slowly began to stroke myself in anticipation of what was to come.

"I've never done this," she said once she was settled in her bed. "Well, I mean…I've done this…just not with you…you know…I'm a little nervous."

_God, I love this woman. _

She talked me through each move she made; telling me how she felt and how much she wished it was me. It was one of the most erotic things I'd ever heard. Her voice was breathy and I could visualize the look on her face as she pleasured herself. I would have done anything, given anything to have been there in that moment.

Her breathing became erratic, as did my own and I could tell that she was getting close.

"Bella, I can hear the arousal in your voice and it's so fucking hot. Just the sound of your voice is going to make me come."

_Well, maybe not just her voice._

"Edward…I'm so close…" I completely lost it when I heard those words, groaning loudly as I came violently into my lap. I wanted to see her face in the throes of passion. I wanted to feel her body stiffen and explode beneath me.

She moaned loudly and panted heavily and I knew she'd climaxed. We stayed on the phone, silent except for our loud breaths, feeling oddly connected.

"I miss you so much, baby," I finally said.

"Me too, Edward."

We talked for a few more minutes until my eyes were heavy. I was still curious about what she wasn't telling me, but I was tired and it didn't seem like the right time to get into anything. I could wait. It was probably nothing anyway.

It was getting really late and I had class the next day. I didn't want to hang up, though. Knowing that she was on the other end of the line comforted me.

"Good night, Bella," I said. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Good night, babe," she answered.

"Hey Bella?" I asked quickly, not wanting her to hang up before I spoke. "Thanks for tonight. You've just fed my fantasies for a while."

She chuckled. "Happy to help."

Jasper had put some interesting thoughts into my head. I guess I was just so busy living in the moment and trying to get through each day that I never really thought about what I wanted in the future. I knew that I wanted Bella in my life, but I'd never actually sat down to think about exactly what else I wanted.

The next day, I woke up late, dressing quickly as I headed to class. Emmett smacked me on the back of the head as he sat down. He looked like hell.

"You missed a great time the other night at the club," he said with a chuckle. We hadn't really had a chance to talk as he'd been in a different group the day before.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I know exactly what I missed. It was definitely time to go home."

Jasper came in just then and sat down next to us. "I heard you guys had fun the other night," he said to Emmett, who nodded cheerfully.

"Yeah, but this one here bailed early," Emmett said punching me in the arm. "He's so whipped."

Jasper and I chuckled, but I knew it was true. I was whipped. Or in love, or whatever you called it.

"Emmett, you're so full of shit," I chimed in sarcastically. "You'd be kissing Rosalie's ass so hard if she found out you went to a strip club."

He shook his head. "Not true. She doesn't care as long as I don't touch."

"Yeah, well if she wasn't okay with it, you wouldn't do it and you know it. Don't give me that bullshit about ME being whipped. You're just as whipped as I am," I replied.

He shrugged just as the instructor walked into the classroom.

"Hey Jasper," I said, leaning over and speaking quietly as the class had settled down. "Let's grab a beer tonight. I have a couple of things I want to talk to you about."

"Sure thing." Jasper raised his eyebrows knowingly and then turned toward the front of the classroom.

_Is he psychic or something?_

I appreciated that I could talk to Jasper about things that were on my mind. I didn't have many people who I trusted and I needed some advice. This whole situation with Bella, and Jasper and his proposal had my mind spinning.

What would Bella think if Alice and Jasper got engaged? Would she want that with me?

I didn't know why I'd never thought much about marriage. I always grew up thinking that it was more about being a good partner and loving someone, than a piece of paper. Marriage seemed unnecessary. But I needed Bella in my life and if marriage is what she needed to feel confident that I was here to stay, then I'd happily marry her. We'd never talked about marriage though, so I had no idea what her thoughts on the subject were.

_All girls want to get married, don't they?_

Jasper was the master at subjects like that and I knew that if anyone could set my head straight, it would be him.

* * *

**A/N: OK, I know some of you are not going to be happy about him being at a strip club, but here's the thing. That's what guys do. He didn't want to be there, but at least he had the wherewithal to get out of there quick and not do anything stupid. **

**On the bright side, I did throw in a little phone sex for you. My first ever lemon over the phone. How'd you like it? **

**Your reviews and adds make me so happy! Please shoot me a review and let me know what you think. It keeps my creative juices flowing (and just generally makes my day!)**

**Reviews=Teasers**

**Thanks to my team of awesome peeps for the help with this one! If you like the story, it's because of them. Seriously. So, scsquared, TwiHart, Sunfeathers, ellierk, and jermak99- THANK YOU!**


	10. Chapter 10 Guilt

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. **

* * *

___**Previously in Chapter 8:**_

_Shit._

_Just then, the door opened and I looked up, shaking my head. _

"_Jake?"_

* * *

**Chapter 10- Guilt:**

**BPOV**

I fell back down on the bed with a whoosh and put my hand over my eyes. Last night had definitely not turned out as I imagined. I just wanted to have a little fun and forget about my problems.

"Good morning, sunshine," Jake said in a sing-song voice, looking smug.

_Why is he so goddamn happy?_

"Oh God, Jake," I stammered. "What happened?"

He sat on the end of the bed, his smug expression turned serious. I winced as I waited for him to tell me how bad it was.

"How much do you remember?" he asked.

_Good question. _

I ran my hands through my hair, grasping for memories. "I remember being at the bar. I remember you and Alice getting pissy with me and me going outside at some point. After that, not much." I looked at Jake, feeling mortified by my behavior.

_I never do this. _

"Well, you certainly had a good time," he said, the smugness returning. "A little too good of a time, I'm afraid."

_No shit, Jake. _

My head was pounding and I was getting annoyed with the cryptic talk. I really needed to understand the magnitude of my fuck up. "Jake, just tell me what happened, please? You're torturing me."

He chuckled, pleased with himself for keeping me in the dark. His serious expression returned though, and I began to worry. "We all told you to stop drinking but you were on a mission and just kept right on going. Several times, I had to drag you away from some drunken asshole who was hitting on you. And I do mean several times."

I was hoping that the fleeting memories were not real, but it was becoming clear to me that they were.

_What was I thinking?_

"Thanks, Jake," I said lamely, not sure if I wanted to hear more or not. "I'm sorry you had to do that. I'm so embarrassed."

"You know, Bella, I know that things with us have been strained. I know how pissed off you were at me because of all the shit I said to Edward, but you're still one of my best friends. And last night?" He shook his head in disgust. "Last night, I was really pissed at you."

_Yikes, I wasn't expecting that._

I sat up on the bed, crossed my legs and hung my head in my hands. I felt so stupid. I was never reckless. If it was bad enough that Jake was pissed off at me, then I must have been a complete disaster. Oh God, what was Alice going to say if this was Jake's reaction?

_She's going to kill me. _

"I know that Edward and I have never gotten along, but I actually felt bad for the guy last night. I mean, if you were MY girlfriend acting like that, I'd have been pissed. Poor guy wasn't even here to beat the shit out of those guys who were hanging all over you. I couldn't sit back and let that happen while you were too drunk to tell them to go to hell," Jake continued.

"So, how'd I end up here?" The guilt was already seeping in. I felt like the world's biggest shithead.

"Well, Alice left because she was tired and you refused to go home with her. I didn't want to drive all the way downtown to bring you home, so I brought you here. I stayed on the couch."

The humiliation just kept getting worse.

"And what about these?" I glanced down at my clothes, horrified that Jake might have undressed me.

He chuckled. "Don't worry, I didn't see anything. You actually changed yourself, despite being completely hammered. I offered to help, but you insisted. I'm pretty sure you fell a few times since I heard a bunch of crashing and bumping in the bathroom, but the door was locked. It was actually pretty funny."

"Yeah, HA. HA."

"You were insistent that you could do it without help." He looked at me with a hint of a smile.

"I'm sorry, Jake," I sighed. "Thanks for looking out for me."

"I always will, Bella." He patted the bed and stood up to leave the room. "Want something to eat?"

Food sounded both nauseating and delicious. I couldn't decide which. "No, I'm going to call Alice and see if she'll come get me. She's going to kill me."

"Yeah, I'd definitely be worried. She wasn't happy with you last night, that's for sure. I can't wait to see what she has to say," he said in a scolding tone of voice, walking out of the room toward the kitchen.

I scanned the room for my purse, immediately thankful when I saw it on a chair buried underneath my clothes. I was worried that in my drunken stupor I might have left it at the bar.

_I can't believe I acted that way. Ugh._

Shaking it off, I stood up and walked the short distance to my purse, each step labored. My head hurt even worse when I was standing, if that was possible. I grabbed my phone and reluctantly started dialing. I was in deep shit.

"Bella Marie Swan, where in the hell are you?" Alice screamed into the phone.

It was about what I expected. "Alice, please stop yelling, my head is going to explode and it's not what you think. I'm at Jake's."

"God, I've been so worried. So worried and so pissed at you. When I left last night, Jake assured me that he'd bring you home, but then you never showed up." She didn't bother hiding her true feelings but at least she wasn't yelling at me anymore.

"So, why are you mad at me? I've already heard Jake's story." I was curious if Alice had seen all that Jake had seen.

"Why am I mad at you?" Alice huffed. "Well, let's see. There's the fact that you were completely hammered. Or the fact that you had guys hanging all over you last night and you were too drunk to do anything about it. Or how about the fact that you have a boyfriend and are presently in some other man's bed? Which one would you like me to start with?"

_Okay, so she saw it all too. _

"Nothing happened, Alice. I wouldn't do that to Edward. Jake just brought me here because it was late and he didn't want to drive downtown. He slept on the couch. I've slept here a million times before. It was no big deal."

"Not since you've been dating Edward, you haven't. He's going to shit his pants," she said roughly.

_Ugh, Edward would be so upset. _

"Alice, it was completely innocent. Can we not talk about this now? I feel bad enough as it is about the whole night and I really don't want to think about it anymore," I pleaded. "Can I ask you a huge favor?"

"You want me to do you a favor?" Alice said, laughing. "Now this, I gotta hear."

"I was hoping you could come get me."

She reluctantly agreed so I hung up but I had a feeling that my conversation with Alice wasn't anywhere close to being over.

I walked into the kitchen where Jake was making an omelet.

"Alice is on her way," I said, hopping to sit on the counter opposite where Jake was cooking.

"Did she let you have it?" he asked, obviously knowing Alice as well as I did.

"Yeah, I'm sure I'm in for more when she picks me up," I said, reaching over and snatching up a sliced pepper from his cutting board.

He slapped my hand playfully and faced me, his expression empathetic. "I know you didn't mean for any of that to happen last night. I know you weren't intentionally trying to let those guys come on to you or anything, but Bella, you've got to be more careful. Not all guys are going to do the right thing, you know? I didn't like seeing you like that. I know how much Edward means to you and it would be stupid to lose someone that you love over something like that. You know what I mean?"

_Lose him?_

"I'm not going to lose him. Nothing happened, Jake, remember?" I snapped.

"No, but it could have. Just watch yourself, okay? Guys are pigs." He turned around as he dumped his chopped vegetables into the omelet pan.

I had never thought about it like that before. How would I have felt if the tables were turned? I suddenly felt a huge pang of guilt. I would never hurt Edward. But Jake was right, this would hurt him and for no reason at all other than my own lack of self-control.

I needed to talk to Edward. I felt horrible.

Alice called and let me know she was out front of Jake's house. I thanked Jake again and walked as enthusiastically as I could to Alice's car, my gait and my smile attempting to mask both my hangover and my fear of facing Alice.

"Don't even start on me, Alice," I said, slipping into the passenger seat. "I already feel horrible enough as it is."

"I'll bet you do." Alice knew me. She knew that this wasn't like me. I just hoped that she wouldn't torture me with it.

She gave me a slight smile and drove off. Apparently, a temporary truce had been called. The rest of the ride home was silent.

I showered as soon as I got home, wanting to wash as much of the night away as I could. Watching Jake cook a huge omelet had made me ravenous, so I made myself some breakfast, which seemed to help my hangover. I sat down at the computer and, like clockwork, there was an email from Edward.

_I'm such an ass._

He was so sweet and I felt like the worst girlfriend. He had been shipped off to who knows where, while I was at home acting like an idiot. I typed a response to him, leaving out the details of the night. I wasn't trying to hide it from him; I just wasn't sure what to say that wouldn't set him off.

I had planned to tell him about things, just so he wouldn't hear about it from someone else. What was I supposed to say to him when he was so far away and we couldn't talk face to face? "Gee Edward, I got so drunk I passed out in Jacob's bed. You know, the same guy you fought because you thought he had feelings for me?" That wasn't going to work.

I didn't want to fight with him and since nothing had happened, I figured I should just let it go. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it really wasn't that big of a deal. After the first few days, it felt like old news so I just never said anything.

A few weeks passed and I got an email from him asking me about that night. I should have known that Alice would tell Jasper. But, what had she told him? I was fairly certain that if Edward knew I spent the night at Jake's house, he'd have mentioned it. That would definitely have set him off.

_Can you blame him?_

I typed a generic response, not mentioning any specifics but it immediately made me feel horrible. I should have been completely honest with him when it happened. Now it just looked like I was hiding something from him. Maybe I was. Maybe I didn't want him to see that ugly side of me. I was just so scared of what he'd say. What if he thought I cheated on him? Maybe this _was_ something I needed to clear up right away.

_September 1st_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Re: Night Out _

_Your last email cheered me up. It's nice to know that you are thinking of me too. I miss you so much. _

_I keep seeing you everywhere. I'll be at the grocery story or the gas station and see someone who looks like you and for the briefest of moments, I get excited. It's like you're really here. Then, of course, the person turns around and I deflate again when I realize that it's just my mind playing tricks on me. Does that ever happen to you?_

_So, you got a little crazy on a night out, huh? Enough to make you want to forget it happened? I think I need to hear this story. You might as well tell me, or I'll just get it out of Jasper. _

_Thinking of you. _

_Edward_

So much for not telling him. I was sure he thought it was going to be a funny story about how I got so drunk that I sang karaoke or something like that. He probably thought we'd both have a good laugh over it. He was not going to be pleased with the truth.

_September 1st_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: Re: Night Out _

_I'm so worried about telling you this story. _

_We all went out to Hennessey's at the beach. I kept ordering shots thinking that you'd suddenly appear and tell me that this whole deployment was a big misunderstanding. At the very least, I wanted to numb the pain a little bit. Anyway, I should have stopped drinking but I didn't. I don't really remember much past about 10:00, but I've been told that it was pretty bad. I woke up at Jake's house. _

_I know what you're thinking. It wasn't like that. He let me sleep in his bed and he slept on the couch. He just didn't want anything to happen to me when I was drunk. He lives down at the beach, so it was too far to drive me all the way home. He was looking out for me, Edward. He was doing it because he didn't want me to do anything dumb or dangerous. _

_I promise you- nothing happened. Nothing would ever happen. I feel horrible about it because I'd hate it if the tables were turned. I know that sounds hypocritical and maybe it is, but nothing like this will ever happen again, I promise. _

_Please don't be angry. It was a mistake. A huge mistake and no one feels worse about it than I do. I've been beating myself up about it (and by the way, so have Alice and Jake). I've been so scared to tell you because I thought you'd assume the worst and not want to be with me. _

_Please believe me. _

_Bella_

I hovered over the send button for a few seconds, rereading the email to make sure I'd said everything I wanted to say.

_I don't want to send this._

I hit send and closed the computer. It was out of my hands now.

I checked periodically throughout the day for an email from Edward. No calls or texts. Nothing. I was too afraid to call. If he wasn't responding, it wasn't good and the last thing I wanted to do was put him on the spot with a phone call.

That night, nothing.

_Fuck, I've blown it._

It wasn't until the following night that I got a response. I didn't want to open it. At least if I didn't open it, I'd have hope that it would be okay. The title in the subject line simply said 'Trust'.

_Fuck. _

I clicked the email to open it, scared of what I'd find.

_September 2nd_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Trust _

_I'm not going to pretend that your story didn't upset me. It did. Very much. At first when I read it, I wanted to punch something. In fact, I did hit a few things. It upset me for a few reasons. First, I don't want to think about you in another man's bed. Ever. You belong in __my__ bed. I'm not there and he is, and that hurts. Second, you weren't going to tell me. I had to find out from Jasper. Third, the only reason you were getting so drunk in the first place was because of me. _

_Nevertheless, I'm done doubting you. If you tell me that nothing happened, then I believe you. I trust you, and no matter how jealous I feel over this (and believe me, I'm plenty jealous), I have to remember that without trust we have nothing. Despite my skepticism about Jake, I'm actually happy that someone was looking out for you when I couldn't. It KILLS me that I couldn't. _

_I'm sorry that my past actions have made you so worried about my reactions that you felt you couldn't be honest with me. That's the worst part about this for me. I don't want that. You can tell me anything and we'll work through it. _

_And Bella? There is nothing you could say that would make me not want to be with you. It just won't happen. _

_Edward_

Tears were streaming down my face. I had underestimated him.

_Another reason to feel horrible. _

The next few weeks were much better between us and we were back to being ourselves, flirty and fun. I apologized profusely, but he assured me that it was water under the bridge. I saw my friends at work, but didn't have any more crazy nights out. Instead, I threw myself into my work in an attempt to pass the time.

Edward was leaving for his mission directly from the base in Virginia and I was so disappointed that they wouldn't be making a stop in San Diego first. Even one day would rejuvenate me. But some things were out of our control.

I got an email from him a few days later. Apparently, the trip was quite exhausting and they had to get to work right away once they got there. I hated when I didn't hear from him every day. I feared the worst.

At least when he was in the United States, we could talk on the phone. But between the shitty connection wherever he was and the massive time difference, phone calls were all but impossible. I lived for his emails.

I was amazed how grounded he kept me, even from so far away. How had I lived for so long without him? I couldn't even remember it. He had changed everything for me.

* * *

September 29th started out like any other day. I got up, showered, got dressed.

I walked the short distance to Starbucks and picked up the local paper. It was very benign and uneventful.

I went to work like any other day. I talked to my friends, went to lunch. There was nothing different about that day. Except there _was_ something different. Something was most definitely different, I just didn't know it yet.

I scrambled for my ringing phone just as I was about to unlock my front door after a long day. It was hot and I was tired. I just wanted to get inside and see if Edward had emailed me. I dropped my purse trying to get to the phone and the contents spilled out everywhere. If it happened to anyone else, it would have been funny.

_Fuck!_

I opened the phone, flustered and muttering obscenities under my breath as I bent to clean up the mess I had made.

"Hello?" I said hastily.

"Is this Isabella Swan?" I stood, curious about the man's deep voice on the other end of the phone. Something wasn't right.

"Yes, it is."

"Yes, Miss Swan, my name is Lieutenant Commander Marcus. I'm the commanding officer in charge of Lieutenant Edward Cullen."

I slumped against the wall, my heart pounding out of my chest.

There was only one reason for Edward's commanding officer to be calling.

"Yes," I said, barely able to speak. The tears flowed from my eyes and it took all my effort not to panic.

"You are listed as the emergency contact for Lieutenant Cullen." His voice was steady and calm, such a dichotomy to how I felt.

"Mmhmm," I muttered, nodding as if he could see me somehow. No words would form in my mouth. My body was numb, frozen.

"Miss Swan, I'm afraid I have some bad news. There's been an accident."

* * *

**A/N: Ack! Another cliffie! Still love me? So, what did you think? See, Jake's not all bad. I'm so sorry for the delay getting this posted. Real life and all that…**

**I love my readers so much. Thanks for all your support! Reviews are the only way I know that you're enjoying the story (or hating it), so please click the button and tell me what you think. I'm open to constructive criticism and love honest feedback. Of course, if you like it, I LOVE hearing that too! **

**Reviews=Teasers**

**Thanks so much to my betas, who both have a ton of stuff going on IRL and both made time for me. I know it's not easy and I appreciate it SO much! I NEED you guys! **

**Also thanks to my pre-readers Sunfeathers, ellierk, and jermak99. **

**Finally, ERCommandoTwilight was very helpful with information on Navy ranks for this chapter! Thanks a bunch!**


	11. Chapter 11 Crash

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.

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**Chapter 11: Crash**

**BPOV**

An accident.

The words lingered in my head and I struggled to form a cohesive thought. I'd feared this exact thing, but I still couldn't wrap my mind around the possibility that something had happened to Edward.

I'd always heard that in a moment of tragedy, time stands still. I'd seen it in films and tried to imagine what that might feel like, but it wasn't until this moment that I understood. It ALL just stops. Everything. Just. _Stops._ And then all of a sudden, my heart was going a million miles an hour. I could hear it pound in my ears, so loud it was almost deafening.

My lungs wouldn't fill with air and I began to hyperventilate as I sobbed.

"Miss Swan?" I'd completely forgotten about the man on the other end of the phone.

I inhaled sharply in an attempt to regain some composure. "I'm…um…I'm sorry…I just…is he okay?"

The second those words left my mouth, I wasn't sure if I could handle the answer. Yet I desperately needed to know.

"He'll be fine," the man said. I could breathe again. "Eventually, he'll be fine."

_Eventually? What does that mean?_

"What happened?" I asked, feeling slightly better yet still crying profusely. It could have been much worse.

"He was involved in a helicopter crash. There was a malfunction that prevented the craft from maintaining proper lift. A formal investigation will be launched, but that's all that we know right now. Both the pilots were killed upon impact. Two others sustained life-threatening injuries. Lieutenant Cullen and rest of the team are expected to make full recoveries." I couldn't help but notice the calm, detached way he spoke. Delivering this type of news must have been something he'd gotten used to.

"What exactly are his injuries?" I had made my way inside my house and slumped down at the dining room table. My mind was racing with all kinds of scenarios. I nervously chewed on my fingernails, awaiting the news of Edward's condition. Knowing that he was going to be fine didn't tell me nearly enough. People who suffered strokes made full recoveries, but that didn't take away from the severity of the stroke itself.

"He's pretty badly bruised, as you might expect. He has a severe concussion and a separated shoulder. He also sprained his right ankle. The worst part is that he'll need to have his spleen removed, due to the internal bleeding associated with the accident. I believe he's being prepped for surgery as we speak."

I tried to recall everything I knew about spleens, which was next to nothing. What did it mean to have it removed, exactly? Would he be okay? Thinking of Edward in pain somewhere, alone, made my head spin. I should be with him. He should know that I loved him.

"Where is he? When can I see him? When is he going to come home? Can I talk to his doctor?" I fired off the questions as fast as I could spit them out, my voice sounding a bit more abrupt than I intended.

I felt badly for being impatient with the Commander. I knew he was just doing his job, but all I could think about was Edward. I was just so scared and frustrated and needed some answers.

He assured me that Edward was being well cared for and that he would be moved to a hospital in Hawaii once he was stabilized.

Arrangements were made for me to fly to Hawaii the following day. Edward would be moved that morning and I could be with him when he was settled into the Navy hospital on Oahu. I needed to get to him desperately. I'd never felt so strongly about anything in my life. I had one purpose and I was completely focused.

_Tomorrow. I'll get to see Edward tomorrow._

I breathed a sigh of relief and scrambled to make the necessary calls so I could leave.

The first call I made was to Alice at work, barely able to speak without hyperventilating.

She answered instantly. "Hey Bella, I'm on my way home. I'm going to stop off at the store to pick up some stuff. Do you need….Bella, you're crying! Is everything okay?"

I struggled to get the words out. "No, everything is not okay. Can you please hurry home?"

"Bella, honey, what is it? Are you hurt? Did something happen? You're scaring the shit out of me."

"It's Edward. There's been an accident and he's hurt. Please, Alice, hurry home."

"Oh my God! Okay, I'm on my way. Just hold on. I'll be there soon."

It seemed like forever before Alice got home. The empty, quiet house was too much for my mind. I couldn't focus on anything. There were so many things I needed to do, but I was so scatter-brained. I needed to get to Edward and I needed to get there NOW.

Alice finally barged through the front door after what seemed like forever, but was probably only about ten minutes. She instantly threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly, letting me just cry for a while before demanding any answers. I told her, before she had a chance to ask, that Jasper was all right and I could see the relief in her eyes. I wished that I could feel that same sense of relief. I wished that this was all just a big mistake. We spent the rest of the night talking and packing my bag. I was thankful she was there to distract me from my grief and worry.

* * *

**EPOV**

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I felt foggy; unaware of my surroundings.

_What happened?_

All I could think about was Bella. I needed her. I needed her strength. I needed her to ground me and tell me that it would be okay. I didn't know where I was, but I felt Bella's absence and sorrow passed through me.

Would I get back to her? Would I die knowing that I'd never told her how I felt? I might as well have been in a straight jacket, as I felt as confined and trapped as I'd ever felt.

A nurse walked by my bed and I summoned up the strength to call for her.

"Can you help me?" I asked, the desperation dripping off my tongue.

She smiled clinically and checked my chart. "The doctor will be by shortly. Try and get some rest."

_Fuck! _

I didn't want rest. What I wanted was to know how long I'd been here and when I could talk to Bella. I needed her.

After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor came to see me and finally gave me some answers.

"Well, Lieutenant, it looks like you're doing much better now," the doctor said as he reviewed my chart. "Your vitals look good. You should be able to be transferred this afternoon, as planned."

"Transferred? Sir? Where am I and where am I being transferred to? I don't even know what happened," I said, still confused. "Can anyone tell me what happened?"

He set the chart down at the edge of my bed and sighed. "I'm sorry, I thought someone had already been by to discuss that with you. You've had quite a harrowing experience, young man. You're lucky to be alive."

"Please...sir…" I could feel myself getting riled up. "Thank you for being so nice, but what I really need is some honesty. How bad is it? What the fuck went wrong?" I was in so much pain; pain I hadn't initially felt when I woke up. There didn't seem to be a part of my body that didn't ache.

He sat on the end of my bed with a sympathetic look on his face and I instantly felt guilty about being so abrupt with him.

"Lieutenant..."

"Call me Edward." I couldn't stand the formality. Not now.

"Very well, Edward," he started. "You were involved in a crash." He methodically explained what had happened to get me to this point and where I was.

I swallowed as faint memories of the crash flooded back to me.

_The noise was deafening. There was commotion everywhere as the pilots tried to keep the helicopter under control. We were trained to manage dangerous and life threatening situations but this felt different. This felt out of control, manic, like chaos. _

_It's funny what you remember during a crisis. Me? I remembered the heat. The heat of the air outside and the resulting stench inside the helicopter. I was sweating profusely, even before I was aware of a problem, but that only escalated once I heard that dreadful noise. _

_It was a combination of a screech and an explosion and suddenly the jovial banter we all were enjoying switched to survival mode. The expression on the pilots' faces told us everything. _

_Our routine training mission was no longer about training. _

_The helicopter began to spin. It was hard to keep my bearings and not succumb to vertigo. I tried to focus on anything that wasn't spinning, but the inertia overpowered me. The last thing I remembered was the terrified face of the pilot as he looked straight into the ground, knowing a crash was imminent. _

"I think you're a very lucky man," he said, his gaze shifting between my eyes and the sheets. "It could have been much worse."

I let my eyes close as my head relaxed against the pillow.

_I'm going to be okay_, I thought.

"I need to make a call," I said just as the doctor was standing to leave. "I need to let my fiancée know I'm okay. She'll be worried if she doesn't hear from me."

It didn't even matter to me that I'd lied about Bella's status. As far as I was concerned, she was practically my wife. I needed to talk to her. It seemed unreal to me that the biggest issue we'd had before I left was my jealousy. I didn't care about anything else now as long as I could hear her voice. I just needed to talk to her and know that she was mine.

"You're still in recovery. I'm going to give you something to help you rest and then you'll be transported to a convalescent hospital in Oahu. Your fiancée has been notified and will be flying out to meet you."

"Can I call her?" I practically begged the doctor.

"Let me see what I can do, okay?" He pushed down on the plunger of a syringe, inserting something into my IV and that was the last thing I remembered.

* * *

**BPOV**

The entire flight, I was restless. I had been informed that Edward had pulled through the surgery fine, which was a huge relief. But I had no idea what to expect when I got there. The Commander had told me that he was pretty banged up but I didn't know how I was going to handle seeing him injured and weak. It was such a contrast to the strong and capable man I was used to being with.

I was sick with worry.

The plane finally landed and I couldn't help but chuckle nervously at the irony of the situation. Edward and I had talked so many times about wanting to take a tropical vacation and here I was landing in paradise under such different circumstances.

The Navy had helped me arrange for a car and a place to stay, which I greatly appreciated. I didn't know how I would have handled having to make all the arrangements myself.

It's the least they could do after sending my boyfriend home in pieces.

I knew those thoughts were destructive. It wasn't the Navy's fault that his helicopter had some sort of malfunction. I was just so angry and petrified and wanted someone to blame for the horrible situation Edward was in.

I arrived at the hospital and quickly found the doctor who was in charge of Edward.

"Are you Lt. Cullen's fiancée?" he asked as I inquired about Edward.

I stared at him for a brief moment, "Yes," I said firmly. I wasn't sure why I lied, but I felt like they might keep him from me if I wasn't directly related. I didn't know why the government would send me overseas if they weren't going to let me see him, but at this point I wasn't willing to take any chances. I needed to see him and if that meant I had to lie to do it, then so be it.

"How is he? Can I see him now?" I asked nervously.

The doctor, who was in his mid-fifties, with comforting mannerisms, put his hand on my arm and directed me to some chairs located in the nearby waiting room.

"As you know, he had his spleen removed before he was transferred here. He pulled through just fine and it looks like the internal bleeding has been contained. Due to the necessity to transfer him here, he's been sedated and is still under heavy anesthesia. I've started to wean him off of the sedatives and he should be awakening soon. I'm sure your presence here will be a huge comfort to him."

I wanted to hug the doctor. Edward was back in the United States, safe and making a recovery.

"Can I see him?" I asked again, needing more than ever to be with Edward.

"Of course," he said as we both stood. I followed him down an industrial, sterile hallway until he stopped and opened a door slowly.

The room was silent, except for the beeping noises of various machines. The blinds were pulled and the room had a dark glow about it, despite being the middle of the day.

I glanced at the bed and inhaled sharply, trying to hold in the shock of Edward's appearance and the tears that had been ever-present since the dreaded phone call. He had cuts and bruises all over the skin that was exposed. His right shoulder was in a splint and he had tubes in his nose and arms. He skin was ashen, except for the bruises on his arms and face. His lips were swollen, as were his eyes. He looked broken.

I tentatively sat on the bed, not wanting to pull on any of the tubes or disrupt any of the gadgets attached to him.

I turned back to the doctor, who stood at the end of the bed. "Are you sure he's going to be okay? He just…looks so broken." I looked back to Edward, wincing.

"The cuts and bruises look worse than they are. They're mostly superficial and will heal relatively quickly. He's a very lucky man. I know you must have a lot on your mind, so I'm going to make my rounds. The nurses outside will help if you have any questions. Just press the call button on his bed."

And with that, the doctor turned and walked out, shutting the door behind him. The room grew quiet again and I focused on Edward. He looked so peaceful despite his ragged appearance. His chest rose and fell in synchronized waves. I grabbed his hand and kissed it lightly.

"Edward, I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm here. I love you and I'm here for you. I'll be here when you wake up."

I began talking about anything and everything. I told him how much I loved him and it felt wonderful to get it off my chest. I wanted him to know. I'd heard somewhere that people could hear even when they weren't awake and I wanted Edward to hear my voice. I hoped it would comfort him. I prattled on about work and our friends. It all seemed so trivial compared to this.

I held his hand tightly, rubbing my thumbs gently over his fingers. After a while, I felt him squeeze my hand and I started crying.

_Is he waking up?

* * *

_

**EPOV**

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Pain.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

More pain.

"Edward?" Her voice sounded so reticent.

_I'm dreaming._

"Baby, it's me." I felt her hands caressing my hand. She leaned in and kissed my forehead and I could smell her sweet scent. She was really here. I opened my eyes slowly, trying desperately to bring her into focus.

"Oh God," she panted, "I was so worried. Are you okay?"

My heart wrenched knowing that my absence had caused her pain. It was such a comfort knowing that she was here with me. Still a little groggy from the medication, I mumbled "You're here. Bella, I've missed you so much, baby."

I tried to reach her upper arm to pull her into me so I could hug her and confirm that she really was here and it wasn't the crazy meds playing tricks on my mind. Pain shot through my arm and I was instantly awake as I winced in agony.

"Oh God, Edward. Are you okay? Should I call for a nurse?" She glanced over her shoulders, trying to decide what to do.

I tried to assure her. "I'm fine. I'm just really sore. I'm going to be a little slow for a little while, but I'm fine. I'm so much better now that you're here." I tried to smile at her, and thank goodness that didn't hurt because she rewarded me with one of her brilliant smiles and I almost forgot about the pain.

"Edward, I've never been so scared in my life. When I got the call from Lt. Marcus, I thought he was going to tell me that you were dead. You have no idea how scared I was. I'm so happy that you're okay, and so relieved to finally be able to see you and touch you. The past twenty-four hours have been the longest and hardest I've ever lived through."

My heart sank. I wondered how I'd feel if I thought she was dead. Would I have been as calm? I wasn't sure. I didn't know how to make it better for her.

"Bella, I'm so sorry that I scared you. I only want the best for you. I'll make this up to you, I promise."

She was still crying heavily and I wanted to wipe the tears from her eyes, but I was in too much pain to move.

"You're lying here in a bed, having survived a helicopter crash and you're worried about me?" She chuckled through her tears and kissed me cautiously on the lips. "God, I love you so much, Edward."

_Wait, what did she just say?_

I focused my eyes on her, unable to stop the smile from forming on my mouth. "What was that, love? I'm not sure I heard you."

She reached up and gently caressed my face, careful to avoid my cuts and bruises. "I love you, Edward Cullen."

I didn't know how I'd feel when I finally heard those words from her. In a way, I'd diminished their importance in my mind. I'd never said that to anyone, except maybe my mother. I'd convinced myself that actions spoke louder than words.

I remembered my talk with Jasper before I left Virginia and I knew that I had been going about my relationship all wrong. He was getting engaged to Alice, and in a way, I was envious. He knew what he wanted and he was man enough to go after it. He wasn't afraid to tell Alice how he felt. He was as happy as I'd ever seen him. I wanted that. I wanted that kind of happiness, and I knew I could find it with Bella. I wanted to be the kind of a man on whom she could rely and who could make her happy. Now, more than ever, I knew what I wanted and what I needed. I wouldn't let my past and my fears dictate my future. And Bella was my future; there was no doubt about that for me.

Hearing her say that she loved me filled me with emotions I had buried long ago. I almost didn't even feel the pain anymore. I hadn't expected it to have the impact that it did.

She was still looking at me with a soft smile on her lips, tears in her eyes. Sitting in a hospital bed, still groggy from medication wasn't exactly how I had thought this would all go down, but I had to tell her.

"Bella, you don't know how happy I am to hear you say that. The only thing I could think about when I got hurt was you. I saw your face in my mind and prayed with everything I had that I'd live long enough to see you again. Nothing else mattered to me. And the reason nothing else mattered is that I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. I've loved you since I met you, even though we were just friends. I think about you every day; I miss you when we're not together, and being away from you while on deployment was like living in hell. And now you're here. For me. I'll never be able to tell you how much it means to me. I love you so much, Bella."

She was crying and breathing deeply, trying to maintain composure. "I'll always be here for you, Edward."

"You're too good for me, but I'll be here as long as you'll let me. I'm sorry for ever doubting you. Thank you for being here for me." I leaned into her hand, which was still on my cheek and kissed it gently.

She stayed with me almost twenty-four hours a day for the next week. My injuries were getting better each day. My spirits could not have been better, thanks to Bella. I was still in a considerable amount of pain, but I could tell that my strength was returning and my bruises and cuts were healing. Bella helped me hobble around the room, just so I could get up and feel human again. My ankle hurt badly, as did my shoulder, but I was just happy to be making a full recovery. Two of my brothers hadn't been so lucky.

Bella was sitting in a chair next to my bed and we were talking when the nurse walked in. She was an older woman with a round figure and a cheery disposition. I found out quickly that nurses can make all the difference in a hospital stay, so I knew it was important to keep them happy. I smiled at the nurse as she came closer and methodically began checking the printouts from various machines, humming as she went.

She was replacing the bag on my IV, and asked, "So, have you two kids set a wedding date yet?"

I nearly choked as I remembered my lie about being engaged. I quickly scanned Bella's face, searching for her reaction. She was bright red and looked taken aback.

"Uh, we haven't had time to discuss that yet," Bella said softly, avoiding eye contact with me.

"Of course, dear," the nurse hummed. "It's been quite a busy time. Just don't wait too long; you know what they say about the cow that gets the milk for free."

I wanted to die. The nurse had seemed nice enough, so why was she torturing me?

Bella smiled meekly, obviously embarrassed. The nurse was oblivious and left after she finished her work.

"What was that about?" I asked, hoping to lighten the mood.

Bella looked nervous, but casually met my gaze. "Uh…the doctor asked if I wanted to see my fiancé and I didn't correct him. I was worried that they wouldn't let me see you if I wasn't family, or something close. Sorry."

_Sorry?_

I motioned with my good hand for her to come closer to me. "You're sorry? Don't be. I might have led them to believe that already."

I pulled her to kiss me before she could respond, but I could feel the smile on her lips as we kissed.

The doctors were hopeful that I could leave and go back to San Diego in a few days. I couldn't wait to get home to my own bed, where I could be with Bella without the constant interruptions. I needed to hold her in my arms, which was nearly impossible in the small confines of a hospital bed. We had tried, though. She was so worried that she would hurt me somehow. After a lot of persuasion, I finally got her to agree to lie with me for short time. I fell asleep with her snuggled up next to me and it was the best sleep I'd had since the crash, even if it was only a few short hours. Bella said she almost fell off the bed several times. Then the nurse found us and explained all the reasons why that was not allowed. So yeah, I couldn't wait to get home.

The day of my check out arrived and Bella brought her car with her bags to the hospital to get me.

"You ready, baby?" she asked as she came into the room.

I'd gotten dressed for the first time in what felt like a lifetime and sat nervously on the bed. I still hurt everywhere, but nothing I couldn't handle. I was just anxious to get home.

She helped me into the wheelchair that would take me out of the hospital and on my way home. She leaned down and kissed me on the cheek as she stood behind the chair to push me. "Let's get this show on the road, shall we?"

She wheeled me past the nurses' station, stopping so I could thank them all for their kindness, and then outside. The bright sun and Hawaiian heat were a welcome change to the dreary walls of the hospital and I'd never been so thankful in my life to look up into the sky and breathe the fresh air. It was heavenly.

I felt like I was being given a second chance and I intended to make the most of it.

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**A/N: Sooooo, what did you think? Edward's going to be okay, and they finally admitted how they felt about each other. Have I redeemed myself? **

**I was blown away by the response to the last chapter! BLOWN AWAY! Thanks for all the support! My readers are the reason I do this. I appreciate all the pimpage that you guys give me so much. It's so hard to get the word out, so word of mouth really helps! Thanks so much!**

**My beta, scsquared, is responsible for the Alice segment in this chapter, as well at the part about being engaged, so if you like those parts, thank her! Thanks to TwiHeart too for getting this chapter out in record time! **

**My pre-readers, ellierk, jermak99 and Sunfeathers make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so many thanks! **

**Don't forget that reviews=teasers, so shoot me a quick note and tell me what you thought! **


	12. Chapter 12 Healing

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Chapter 12- Healing:**

**BPOV**

I wheeled Edward out of the hospital, happy to be going home. The past week had been incredibly draining. On one hand, I was relieved that he was going to be okay. I was relieved that he was one of the lucky ones who walked away from that horrible accident. I couldn't imagine being the loved one of one of the pilots. That kind of pain was inconceivable to me and I was far too close to experiencing that for my liking. The past week had been the worst of my life. The sheer terror of not knowing if he was going to be okay, seeing Edward in the hospital and in pain, knowing that I was helpless to do anything to fix it. I would have traded places with him. It was so much easier to endure pain myself than to watch the man I love suffer. At least then, I'd know I could handle it.

Edward was anxious to be going home as well, so our moods as we left the hospital were light and happy. Edward was being affectionate, constantly pulling me into him for kisses and never taking his eyes off of me. I loved the attention and after so much time away from him, I ate it up. The plane ride home seemed to fly by and before I knew it, we were looking out over San Diego Bay as we landed. He still had a lot of healing to do, but it would be so much easier once we were home.

We agreed that we would both stay at his house until he was able to get around better.

I was thankful that he lived on the ground floor of his building and that it was a single story, as he had extreme difficulty in maneuvering, with his single crutch and his crippled upper body. I sighed as we walked in, the familiar smell of his apartment comforting me. It smelled like him and instantly brought a smile to my face. The wide smile and serene look on Edward's face told me that he felt the same way. His apartment was dark and stuffy since he'd been gone so long, so I quickly set about to open the blinds and windows to let some fresh air in. Fall in San Diego is hot and the apartment needed a good breeze to cool it down. I wanted it to be perfect for Edward. He needed this.

Edward took a nap, and while he was sleeping I snuck out to the grocery store and stopped by my place to grab some clothes. I didn't want to leave Edward's for very long and was anxious to get back to him.

When I arrived back at his place, he was awake and watching TV, his injured ankle propped up on the coffee table.

"Hey, have you been awake long? I asked, walking over and kissing his forehead lightly, the grocery bags heavy in my hands.

"No, not long. I was really out. I guess I was more tired than I thought, not to mention whatever they've got me on is some seriously powerful shit. I was seeing stars." He patted the couch next to him, indicating that he wanted me to sit. "I'm so happy to be home. I swear, I've never been so happy to sleep in my own bed in my life. No nurses to bug me. No poking, no prodding. It was perfect."

I set the grocery bags down and made my way over to the couch, snuggling up against him. I felt so safe and warm in his arms, even when they were battered and bruised. He was still my rock and always would be.

"I missed you when I got up and you weren't here," Edward cooed in my ear, as he kissed me sweetly.

"I thought you were happy about being left alone," I said sarcastically.

He laughed as he said, "Just because I don't want Nurse Ratched coming in my room every fifteen minutes, doesn't mean that I don't want my sexy girlfriend by my side."

"Very nice comeback, Cullen. Sorry I had to leave. I tried to be quick, but you don't have anything in your house to eat," I responded, squeezing his leg lightly. "I'm going to spoil you rotten. You aren't going to want to leave me ever again."

"Well shit Bella, I don't want to leave you ever again right now and I haven't even HAD your cooking yet!"

I smiled widely and leaned into him, as he kissed the top of my head.

We stayed on the couch for a little while, chatting lightly, both of us enjoying the feeling of being together again. There was no noise from the machines, like there was in the hospital. It was quiet and peaceful. There were no nurses and doctors interrupting us. It was just Edward and me and it was wonderful. Eventually, I reluctantly got up to put away the groceries, which were still sitting in bags on the counter.

I had arranged to take a leave of absence from my work. I needed to be with Edward and get him healed. He argued with me at first, insisting that he'd be okay at home by himself, but then backed down. He knew me well enough to know that when I set my mind to something, it was impossible to change it. Edward needed me, whether or not he admitted it, and that was all I needed to know. Despite his protests, I knew that he appreciated me being there and that made it all worthwhile.

Our first week home, Edward's physical recovery was moving relatively quickly. He was still very slow, with his ankle and shoulder, not to mention the incision from his operation. I felt horrible for him, but he was strong and always put on a brave front for me, even though I knew he was in considerable pain. In the typical male fashion, he hated that he needed any help and constantly pushed himself to avoid feeling like "a complete pussy."

My biggest fear was how he was recovering emotionally. Some nights he would have trouble sleeping and I'd wake up to an empty bed. We never talked about it, but when he did sleep, he would scream out, sweating profusely and shaking. I wanted to wake him up and comfort him, but I didn't know if I should. After the third night in a row of his nightmares, I decided to confront him about it.

We took a drive to the beach in the late afternoon, even though it was only a few blocks away, as walking was still a struggle for Edward. The smell of the ocean was comforting, as was the sound of the crashing waves. It was twilight and the beachgoers were packing up for the day. Others were starting their campfires and barbecues, gearing up for the cold that would inevitably set in once the sun went down.

The last glimmer of the sun was reflecting off the water and people were lined up along the beach to watch the sunset, stopping for a brief moment to take in the beauty of the scenery. I helped Edward to the sand and laid out a towel for us to sit on. I had brought some light snacks and a bottle of wine. It was nice to get outside.

"Edward, you know you can talk to me about anything, don't you?" I asked tentatively, not really sure how to broach the subject.

He took a grape from the basket on the towel and popped it into his mouth, avoiding eye contact.

_Please talk to me. _

"I know I can. Everything's fine. It's just..." His voice cracked and the happiness on his face faded into worry.

I grabbed his hand, encouraging him to look at me. "I know about your dreams. I hear you screaming at night. I see you shaking and I can feel you sweating. I see how tired you are all the time. I know you're having trouble sleeping and having nightmares. I know you are hurting and it's not just physical. Please talk to me."

He looked at me, his face torn and confused. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again before any words came out.

"Please, Edward," I said, the desperation in my voice seeping out. "Don't shut me out. I just want to help but I don't know how."

He sighed several times, considering his words before he spoke. "I didn't want to worry you. You don't need to be dealing with all my shit."

"Don't you understand, Edward? I love you. When you hurt, I hurt." I rubbed his hand to emphasize my point.

"I love you too, Bella." He looked down at the sand and hesitated a moment before continuing. "I guess...I just...I'm so fucking angry. I'm angry and afraid to sleep."

I'd never heard him say anything like that before. He rarely admitted to being vulnerable and I was taken aback.

"What are you afraid of?" I asked.

"I can't get the images out of my head. I close my eyes and I relive it. I need to go back to work, but I just don't how I'll be able to do it. It's like I'm different now and I can't go back to being who I was. I can't lose my edge. I'm supposed to able to overcome things like this." He looked so vulnerable at that moment. I knew it was hard for him to open up to me, and aside from our emails while he was gone, this was the most open and honest he'd ever been with me. It wasn't easy for him and I recognized how far he'd come.

"You don't have all the answers right now, you know?" I said softly. "You are so used to being in charge and being decisive, but it's okay not to know the answer to everything."

He scooted closer to me, wincing in pain slightly as he moved. He positioned me between his legs carefully, my back against his chest and wrapped his arms around me, gently kissing my neck.

"How am I supposed to go back?" he asked as he rested his chin on my shoulder.

"Edward, you're one of the strongest people I know. When the time comes, you'll know what you need to do. I have every confidence in you."

He kissed my cheek and hummed quietly. "I wish I shared your confidence."

I wanted so much to help him, but I didn't have an answer for him. We watched the sun slip below the horizon in silence, sipping our wine and enjoying our embrace. I worried about him and how much he still needed to heal, but I knew that we'd done all we could today.

Physically, he got stronger each day. The bruises faded and the cuts grew smaller. It would take several months before he would have full use of his shoulder, but it was healing. The incision from his operation closed, leaving a scar in its place. His ankle grew stable again. He almost looked like the man he had been before all of this had happened. But, just as he'd said on the beach, he was different. The mental scars hurt far worse than the physical ones. If he would just open up to me, I could help him.

_Or could I?_

Our relationship had taken on a new life. Each day, I felt his love more and more and I wondered how I could have ever doubted his feelings for me. He was affectionate and attentive. I did everything I could to show him how much I loved him in return. I spoiled him with nice dinners and candlelight each night, and I knew without a doubt that my presence soothed him. It felt like we were playing house and for the first time, I could really envision what our life together in the future would be like.

He was still holding things back from me, which I tried not to take personally. It was frustrating and hard for me though, and there were times I wanted to pull my hair out. In some ways we were moving forward in our relationship, but in that regard I felt like we were moving backward. It had been a source of conflict for us and I didn't want to regress when we'd made such progress. Despite his silence, though, I fell more and more in love with him with each passing moment.

Our physical relationship had also begun heating up again, although it was a fraction of what it had been before the crash. He cursed his broken body when we tried to be intimate. As kisses grew more passionate, he'd have to stop as the pain he felt took over, ending in frustration. I tried to be reassuring and patient, but I could see the disappointment in his eyes. Lately, he was feeling noticeably better and I could tell by his seductive glances and sexy smirk what was on his mind.

Deciding to take matters into my own hands, I opened the door to the bathroom, wearing only a see-through white nightie and matching thong undies. Edward wasn't the only one eager to be close. I needed him just as badly.

He was reading a book, leaning against the headboard of his bed with his feet outstretched as I walked into the room. He stopped and stared as I approached him.

"Bella..." His eyes and the prominent bulge in his boxers told me that he appreciated the view, which gave me the confidence I needed to continue.

The book long forgotten and thrown aside, I moved to straddle him as he sat, careful of his ankle. His eyes never left mine as his good arm reached out for my hips and he pulled me closer.

"Is this okay?" I asked, kissing his neck.

He moaned in approval so I continued to kiss him gently. His hand moved over my hips and slid underneath my nightie, moving up my back.

"I like this outfit," he hummed, as his fingers gently gripped my back.

"I can tell," I said lightheartedly as I ground my hips into his obvious erection.

_God I've missed this._

He slid down so he was lying down on the bed, trying to mask the pain that the movement had caused. I tried to slide off of him, not wanting him to hurt, but he stopped me.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked.

He lifted his knees so that his feet were flat on the bed, forcing me to move up his body. His hand also encouraged me higher. I smiled as I realized what he had in mind and my body was on fire with his loving touch. I wanted him with every fiber of my being.

"Come up here," he whispered with the sexiest look on his face. I was putty in his hands.

_Yes, I've definitely missed this._

I grabbed the hem of my panties and began to pull them down, enjoying the way his eyes followed my every movement. I lifted my leg, climbing off of him. This time, he let me go and lowered his legs, clearly banking on my prompt return, but his hand never left my body.

I shimmied out of my underwear, taking my time, enjoying the tease. I wanted his undivided attention and from the look on his face, I'd say I had it.

When I was free of my underwear, I climbed back on top of him and once again, he lifted his knees so I would move up his body.

When I got closer to his face, he began to kiss me. He started at my knee, moving up my thigh as I approached the top of the bed. His hand reached around my body, coming to rest on my ass, pulling me toward his mouth. I shuddered as his lips made contact, just barely touching where I wanted him the most. Every nerve ending in my body was on end. His mouth was so soft and warm and yet he held back, keeping me wanting more.

"You're so beautiful, Bella," he hummed in between kisses. "So beautiful."

I felt beautiful. I felt loved.

His thumb reached between my legs and grazed me ever so gently. Apparently he liked the tease as well.

I hissed at the increased contact. "Please...Edward."

He touched me again, this time softly, like a tickle. "Please what, love?"

I looked down my body and noticed the smirk on his face. He was definitely enjoying himself.

"Touch me. More," I managed to say. I rocked my hips toward his fingers and his mouth, hoping that he'd oblige me and touch me like my body wanted.

He did. And I was lost in him.

My eyes closed and I threw my head back as he slipped a finger inside of me. At the same time, his tongue slipped out and ran slowly over my clit, this time with more pressure, causing me to jerk into him.

"Oh God..." I muttered.

I rocked against his mouth and his hand, guiding his movements and pace. He moaned loudly, which sent vibrations throughout my body, bringing me closer and closer to the edge.

I screamed out his name as my orgasm ripped through me, coming in wave after powerful wave. Edward continued to lick and suck on me until my orgasm ceased and I fell against the headboard. I moved carefully down his body, and slipped to his side, still panting heavily.

"That was...good," I said, kissing his chest.

"Good?" he asked, feigning indignation. "Just good?"

He knew what he did to me and I liked his cocky attitude about it. It was sexy as hell.

"Very, very, good," I responded. He smirked, apparently pacified with my answer.

"I want to make love to you, Bella," he said, rubbing my back gently. "You have no idea how much I want to, but I don't know if I can. It still hurts."

"I can wait, baby," I said, trying to comfort him.

I reached down, slipping my hand underneath his boxers and gripped his erection. Obviously this body part didn't get the memo that he was hurt.

"Is this okay?" I asked, moving slowly up and down his length.

He nodded and I slid his boxers down over his ass as he lifted his hips to help me. Once he was free of them, I slowly moved back up his legs and gripped him once again. He inhaled sharply as I began to move faster, watching his face contort with pleasure. I kissed his chest as his breathing deepened. I loved knowing that I had this effect on him.

Slowly and gently, I kissed lower and lower on his body, paying homage to the scars on his perfect body. They were a part of who he was and I loved every part of him.

He gasped in anticipation as I kissed his inner thigh, knowing my next move. I took him into my mouth in one quick motion and he gripped the hair on the back of my head as he moaned.

"Fuck...Bella...oh fuck..."

I moved quickly and with purpose, reveling in each moan and whimper from his body. I wanted to make him forget about the pain, even if only for a moment. I wanted him to just feel me loving him. I wanted him to let go.

His body twitched and he pushed gently on my head, guiding my movements. His hips thrust upward to meet my mouth and I knew he was getting close. I picked up my pace and squeezed him tighter with my hand, letting my tongue move over his tip as I pulled out. He growled in gratitude.

"Just like that, baby," he moaned and then his body tightened as he came. He grunted loudly and spilled into my mouth.

I kissed my way back up his body as his hand gently caressed my back. His breathing was still shallow and he had a thin layer of sweat on his body. He tasted masculine and sweet.

"Thank you," he said softly, a devious smirk on his face. "That was...good."

I chuckled, loving the fact that my Edward was back, even if it was only for a brief moment. It gave me hope that he'd be okay; that we'd be okay.

"You're awfully cocky," I joked. "I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"You love me." How he could melt me with just a few words amazed me.

_God, he's fucking sexy._

"You're right, I do," I sighed, then flashed him a sexy smile. "Just don't let it go to your head."

"I don't know, Bella," he said playfully. "Not every guy gets to have such a beautiful woman. That's something to be cocky about, don't you think?"

"You love me." Somehow my attempt at cockiness didn't have the same impact as his.

"You're right, I do," he replied. "Very, very much."

The playfulness was gone from his voice and I could tell just how much he meant those words. It filled me with contentment.

That night, for the first time since we'd been home, he didn't wake up. There were no screams. He didn't shake or sweat. He slept peacefully and I hoped that his mind was at ease. I hoped that he was free of his memories. I hoped that he was healing.

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**A/N: I thought you guys deserved a little lemony goodness after what I put you through the last couple of chapters. I am completely BLOWN AWAY by the support for the last chapter. OMG, there were over 100 reviews! I tried to respond to every one, but if I missed one, I'm so sorry. Thank you all for your support. I'll still be giving teasers for reviews, so give me a shout out and let me know what you think! Your comments make my day!**

**If you're new to the story, be sure to let me know how you heard about it, so I know who to thank! **

**EXCITING NEWS****: I'm doing Smut Monday this upcoming week on May 24****th****. It'll be an AWA outtake from EPOV on the night before a deployment. So, be sure to scoot on over and show me some love! Link is in my profile. **

**Thanks to scsquared and Twihart, as usual, for all their beta work, as well as ellierk, jermak99 and Sunfeathers for pre-reading. They also gave me great ideas for my outtake.**

**Finally, here's a great fic rec: **

_**And With Thee Fade Away by Derdriu oFaolain**_

**1) It's complete! *squee* **

**2) This is one of the best Edwards I've read. Dark and mysterious! It's so good! Trust me. Link is in my favorites. **


	13. Chapter 13 Unknown

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Chapter 13: Unknown**

**EPOV**

It had been just shy of two months since I'd come home to San Diego. The holidays were coming up and I finally felt like Bella and I were doing well again. We were even stronger than before my accident. I knew I could count on her for anything but I still didn't want to be a burden and was anxious for my recovery to progress. .

Physically, I was healing well. The only lingering pain for me was in my shoulder, which had required an additional surgery a few weeks prior, and my side from my spleen operation. I was ready to be fully healed. I had been given the green light only a week ago to start some limited exercise again, but I'd have to ramp up to where I was before slowly. Working out and keeping myself in top physical condition had been a way of life for me, so the past few months of sitting on the couch made me miserable.

My physical condition also prevented me from being as intimate with Bella as I'd wanted to be, so I was very motivated to feel better. We had fooled around, but the last few times we tried to have sex, I'd end up with a cramp or hurting my shoulder and as much as I tried to mask my pain she could see right through me. It was a fucking mood killer and being too hurt to make love to my girlfriend was fucking humiliating.

We hadn't tried again in over a week, as she was reluctant to hurt me, despite my protests. I missed being with her and I could tell that she felt the same way and was holding back for my sake. I knew she was just concerned about me, but I wanted her so badly. I had a lot of time to sit around and think and most of my thoughts were of Bella. I thought about her scent, her taste, her skin. The constant erection and sexual frustration was worse than the remnants of pain. I was determined to convince her that I was okay and getting back into exercise would hopefully show her that I could handle it.

My ankle had thankfully healed, so I was cleared for walking and most lower body exercises. Even though it was just a severe sprain, I hadn't been able to walk and I would never take that for granted again. I went to the high school that was near the base and began to run some stairs. My side still hurt, but my doctor said that as long as I took sufficient rest breaks, I wouldn't re-injure myself. It was hard to find my new limits and stay within them.

It felt good to get my heart rate up and to alleviate some stress. Many things changed for me since the accident and I struggled with keeping myself in balance. It was easy for me to be overwhelmed by things. My dreams were still vivid and the faces of the pilots as we crashed haunted my thoughts. I was so fucking lucky to have walked away from that crash and it was hard to reconcile why I'd been spared when two of my brothers had not.

An investigation was launched and the pilots were cleared of any wrongdoing, as expected. All the proper maintenance and inspections had been completed. It was just one of those freak things that happens. I tried to put the whole thing behind me, but I quickly found out that I had been permanently changed. Good or bad, I couldn't go back to being the same person I was before. I saw things with a new perspective.

With Bella's encouragement, I began seeing a therapist on base twice a week. I had been extremely reluctant and knew that my friends would give me a hard time about it when they got back. I believed the stereotypes about "therapy" and wondered if it would do me any good at all. It made me feel like I was less of a man; like I was so fragile that I couldn't even get a grip on my own emotions.

Once I started seeing Irina, though, I could tell that I was making progress. We talked about everything, from my mother's death, to my feelings about the military, to the accident. I realized that I'd been carrying around quite a bit of baggage my whole life, and it was nice to unload some of my guilt and burden. The problem was, though, that it was Irina that I was talking to and not Bella. Bella and I had grown close, but there was still a part of me that didn't want her to see my ugly side. I didn't want her to know that I was weak and scared. She loved the strong, confident man, not the damaged one. I could see the hurt in her eyes when she felt I was closing myself off from her, and I wanted to be open with her, but would she still love me if she really knew me?

Bella had been unbelievably supportive, though, which made me feel horrible about shutting her out. I had never been so happy to see anyone as I was when I opened my eyes in the hospital and saw her face. Then when we got home, she took a leave of absence to care for me. She tended to my every need, both physically and emotionally. She knew I had nightmares and even though I knew she wanted to understand more about what I saw and what happened, she didn't push me.

I had finally convinced her to go back to work, which she had reluctantly done just this past week. We had been together almost non-stop so I missed her terribly.

Bella, and more specifically, my future with Bella was another issue that I had spent quite a bit of time discussing with Irina. Almost getting killed made me realize just how short life really is and I didn't want to waste a second of it. I wanted to marry her, which scared the shit out of me, because up until very recently, I didn't think I'd ever want to get married. There was something about a ring and saying those vows out loud to each other that had new significance for me. I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be with Bella forever and I hoped she wanted the same thing.

I needed to get my shit together before discussing marriage. There were times, in spite of how much I loved her, when I could feel myself closing off. I heard how horrible my voice sounded when we fought or when I shut her out and I felt bad about it. She was just trying to help me and I felt like such an asshole. It was just that my life was no longer recognizable to me. I relied on Bella for so much and I felt so weak and vulnerable and I was not accustomed to feeling that way. I didn't like it at all. I was supposed to be the one to protect others, to be there for Bella. I knew my body would heal but I didn't know what normal would be for me after everything that happened.

I struggled to find my own identity, but the last thing I wanted to do was push Bella away, or worse, drag her down with me. Ironically, that was exactly what I was doing. Irina had tried to help me realize that I didn't need to be perfect for Bella, but I couldn't help feeling conflicted. I didn't know who I was anymore. The worst part was that I could feel Bella slip away from me in those moments and I was once again paranoid about losing her.

We did have our happy moments, though, despite my issues. I had arranged for a nice date, as a thank you to her for all she'd done for me. It was the least I could do and I looked forward to surprising her. The whole week I'd kept it a secret from her, which annoyed her. I thought it was cute how frustrated she got when I wouldn't reveal anything to her. It wasn't like I'd arranged for us to jet to Paris or anything like that, it was just a date, but I still wanted it to be a surprise.

One thing about Bella. She loves football. She loves football more than most guys I know. Apparently growing up with just a dad in the house made her have the "if you can't beat them, join them" mentality. We had talked about going to a Charger game for months, but the tickets were expensive and we just never got around to it.

So, I pulled some strings with Jasper's dad, who apparently knows everyone involved in the Charger organization, and got us some great seats on the 50-yard-line. Then, after the game, I had arranged a limo to come and take us home to get cleaned up and then go to dinner at the same restaurant she took me to the first time I came home from deployment after we'd met. I hoped she'd remember.

When Sunday finally came, I finally told her about the game, so she'd dress appropriately. She looked adorable when she showed up. She had on jeans that looked like they were painted on, which made my pants tighten, an instant reminder that I would definitely be having my way with her tonight. I bought her a jersey that fit her every curve. Seeing Bella with her hair thrown up into a ponytail, wearing jeans and a football jersey was unbelievably hot. She looked good enough to eat.

The limo came and got us and took us to the stadium. Normally, I would not have taken a date to a football game, but Bella's eyes lit up when she found out where we were going. I knew that for her, this was a perfect date. As expected, our seats were amazing. The sun was shining and it was warm, but not too hot. The energy inside the stadium was palpable and I loved watching Bella get fired up. She was adorable and feisty.

Our energy was high as the Chargers won the game. Bella seemed happy about the transportation too and talked a mile a minute on the limo ride home about the game and what this win would mean for the Chargers' chance at the playoffs and their top ranked running game. Bella's football expertise was kind of a turn-on.

Seeing her so carefree was really making it impossible to keep my hands to myself. So instead I tucked her under my arms or constantly ran my hands down her ponytail listening to her recap. I loved seeing her so passionate, so finally I couldn't help but pull her on top of me with my good arm and kiss her.

"Hey," she huffed. "I was talking."

'Sorry," I mumbled in between kisses. "But, I needed to kiss you."

She sat, straddling me and pulled me into a hug as she ran her fingers through my hair. I buried my face in her chest and gripped her tightly with my good arm.

"Thank you for this," she said softly.

"Thank you for everything. You've done so much for me and I love you so much," I replied. Between the two of us, I had definitely gotten the better deal.

"You don't need to thank me. That's what you do when you love someone. I wanted to be here for you and I know you'd have done the same thing for me if the tables were turned." She leaned back and looked down at my face. I closed the distance between us and kissed her gently. It wasn't a needy kiss. Instead it was slow and soft. It was perfect.

I groaned when we reached my house, because I was enjoying the ride with Bella so much. We climbed out of the limo and went inside to get ready for dinner.

We both showered and while I sat on the couch, watching SportsCenter, Bella got ready in the bathroom. She finally emerged and I couldn't take my eyes off her. She had on a black, strapless dress that fell to her mid thigh. Her hair was pulled up loosely, with a few strands left hanging down over her collarbones. She had on silver earrings that hung to her chin and a lightweight wrap over her arms. She was spectacular.

She smiled when she saw my reaction to her outfit and quickly grabbed her things. I escorted her out to the limo and we both climbed in. I sat as close to her as I could, my arm wrapped around her, but I wanted more. Between the sexy jeans from earlier and now the tight, black dress, I swore she was trying to kill me.

"You are killing me, love," I whispered into her ear, and then kissed it gently.

She smiled widely with a seductive look in her eyes. "Am I?"

I wanted to touch her so badly, but my good arm was around her back and I couldn't move the other one. She rubbed her legs together and they were just begging to be touched.

"You know very well how much I want you," I said, softly nuzzling her neck. "Speaking of which, I have big plans for later, so don't get any ideas in your beautiful head about going to sleep when we get home."

A concerned look crossed over her face and I was worried that she'd say no, so I continued talking. "Don't worry about me, baby. The doctor says I'm fine."

She sighed, "But Edward…"

"Don't you want to be with me?" I asked, pulling back slightly.

She put her hand on my face and leaned in for a kiss. "Of course, I do. You have no idea how much I want that, but I want you to be okay. I don't want to hurt you."

I pulled my hand from around her back and clasped her hand. "Bella, I'm not going to get hurt. I know what I need, and that's you."

She looked down, and a naughty smile crept onto her face. "If you're sure you'll be okay, then I think I'd like to hear all about your plans."

My dick twitched in excitement. Finally, I was going to be with Bella the way my body craved.

We pulled up to the restaurant and Bella chuckled lightly. "I can't believe you brought me here. Do you remember when we came here last?"

The driver opened the door on Bella's side and we both climbed out. The restaurant was the exact same as it was the last time we were here. But we were very different. Back then, we hadn't even kissed. We didn't know what we were to each other. Now, as I sat at the table overlooking the bay, I knew I was sitting with the love of my life. It was funny because it didn't seem like that long ago.

She sparkled in the lights of the restaurant. I beamed with pride, knowing that this beautiful woman had chosen me. We ate and laughed and talked as if we had all the time in the world. There was nothing forced or rushed, we just enjoyed each other's company.

The waiter cleared our plates and she reached across the table and grabbed my hands.

"Thank you for planning such a wonderful day," she said with a smile. "You were pretty sneaky."

"Well, I have to be with you. You just love to ruin surprises." I laughed as I took a sip of my wine.

We sat and admired the view in silence for a few minutes before the waiter brought us some coffee and a crème brulee for dessert. Bella blew on the coffee lightly to cool it down, and took a small sip. Setting her cup down, her expression had gone from happy and fun to serious.

"So, tell me how things have been going with Irina," she said with a hint of concern in her voice.

I sighed loudly, not wanting to discuss my therapy. It was emasculating enough to go from being a part of one of the most elite military units in the world to needing to talk to a counselor so I didn't wake up every night with the cold sweats. The last thing I wanted to do was discuss it with my girlfriend who probably already viewed me as the world's biggest pussy. I wanted this night to be a break from reality, not a play by play of my myriad of problems.

"Bella, can we not talk about this?" I asked with a bit more bite in my voice than I intended.

She looked into her cup and shook her head lightly. "Sure."

Her voice had a bite in it too and she looked up at me, forcing a smile. I knew she didn't understand, but thankfully she dropped the subject.

I squeezed into the limo and kicked off my shoes, stretching my feet and pulling Bella close to me. She obliged, but the serious look on her face from before was back.

"Edward, I know that this night was just about having fun, but I do have something I want to talk to you about."

I felt really nervous all of the sudden, hoping she wouldn't bring up Irina again. "Is everything okay?" I asked, trying to act oblivious.

I pulled my hand from around her and ran my fingers through my hair nervously. Sensing my panic, she replied, "No…I mean yeah, everything's okay."

She reached over and smoothed the collar on my shirt, pretending to fix it, obviously needing a break from the tension.

"I've been thinking a lot about things between us lately," she said. I could see that she was nervous as she picked at a piece of fuzz on her wrap.

"What about us?" I asked.

She looked as if she was thinking about a response. I began to panic. If her answer was good, it wouldn't be taking this long and she wouldn't be this deep in thought.

_Has she realized that she can do better than me? _

"Edward, you know I love you," she began. "But, I feel like sometimes you pull back from me. Actually, you do it a lot. You did it earlier at dinner. I feel like we've made progress but it's three steps forward and two steps back. One minute it seems like we're really happy and I feel so close to you, but then you shut me out. It reminds me of where we were before the accident, before we were really together. I thought we'd moved past all that. I know you have a lot of healing to do, and I'm trying to be supportive. I really am. But, when I think about us, I want to move things forward, not backward. I want more. I want more of you. I want more for us."

Irina and I had talked at length about my relationship with Bella. I knew that Bella was aware of my fears, and certainly aware of my temper, but hearing her voice it made me feel horrible. She felt as though I was pulling back, which I knew I was. But it was all for her. All I really wanted to do was be the man she deserved. Could she honestly doubt how I felt about her?

I reached for her hands and looked into her worried gaze. "Do you doubt that I want a future with you?"

She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head as she looked away. "We never talk about it."

_She does doubt me._

"Bella, I love you so much," I said, swallowing thickly. "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you more about this. It's just…I'm so fucked up still…and Irina says I just need to…"

The look on her face told me that this wasn't working. I needed to pull my head out of my ass.

"Bella, look at me." She turned her eyes to me and I could see that they were filling with unshed tears. "I want more too. I want everything with you. I want to be a better man for you, a man worthy of you. I know that I'm not the most open person, but I'm trying. I'm sorry that I can be such an asshole. Please don't give up on me."

A tear ran down her cheek and she was quick to wipe it away, obviously upset that she was crying.

"Edward, you can't push me away forever," she said softly. "I can live with the deployments, the risk, everything. But I can't live with someone who isn't open and honest with me. My dad is like that and I watched him drive my mother away and I don't want that. I can't live like that."

The threat in her words was real. She needed more from me. She deserved that.

"I don't want to hurt you." I hung my head and sighed loudly. "You don't deserve that."

Bella sat up straight, pretended to fix her shoe and pulled herself together. I knew that the conversation was over. There was nothing more to say. The line in the sand had been drawn.

Bella tried to salvage the rest of the ride home, forcing herself to act happy, but the mood had been permanently changed. We sat in silence and despite sharing some tender kisses; it wasn't the unbridled passion that I had been looking forward to.

"I'm going to change my clothes," Bella said as she set her purse down on the table near the door.

I smiled weakly and walked to the fridge, grabbed a beer and sat down on the couch. This evening had definitely not gone according to plan.

Bella emerged a few minutes later in a white camisole that was almost see-through and boxers. She slumped down onto the couch next to me and leaned into my chest. I set my beer down so I could hold her.

"I'm sorry I ruined your nice night," she said, rubbing my chest gently. "I didn't mean to push you."

I wished I could just get over my issues. I wished that I didn't have all this baggage and bitterness. I wished I could heal so I could truly give everything to Bella. She didn't deserve to be brought into my shit. Still, I was doing everything I could to get better. I was seeing a therapist and trying like hell to be the best boyfriend I could, even though I knew I still had a long way to go. But, I couldn't do this alone. I needed her to meet me halfway.

I pulled her chin up to look at me. "I was really upset earlier. I know I'm not perfect, but you sounded like you were giving me an ultimatum. Were you?"

She pulled back and lowered her head. "Edward, please don't…"

"No, I need to know. You said that you couldn't live with someone who was like me. Did you mean that?" The emptiness that I had felt earlier when she talked about her dad was back.

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean it to sound like an ultimatum. I'm not going to leave you, Edward. I was just upset. I wasn't trying to compare you to the way my dad is. I just get conflicted sometimes. I really want to help and be patient, but it's hard for me. It's important to me that you know how I feel about all of this and every time I try to talk to you about it, you shut down on me or get angry. I can see that you're hurting…and then when you're short with me…it's just…you were never like that with me before. All of this has affected me too, which I think you sometimes forget. I can't be an equal partner with you when you keep everything inside." She finally looked up at me and I could see her eyes filling with tears.

"I know, baby, and I'm trying. I know that I get angry at times and lose my temper but I need you to have a little faith in me. In us." This time it was me who broke our gaze.

"Just please don't shut me out. I can't stand it when you push me away. Why is it that you can talk to Irina, but you can't talk to me?" The tears flowed down her cheeks as her frustration reached its peak.

Why was she being so critical of me? Couldn't she see how hard I was trying? "That's what therapy is for Bella. To talk to someone about my shit that I don't want to burden you with. Besides, I'm seeing her because YOU thought I should. It's helping me. But yes, there are things that I talk to her about that I can't talk to you about yet. It's not because I don't trust you or want to talk to you. I have my reasons and I'm working through them." My voice had risen sharply and Bella could tell that this conversation was going downhill fast.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm sorry I brought it up. We are so happy when things are good, but as soon as I want to talk to you about anything serious and what's happening with you, you get defensive. I don't want to fight anymore," she said as she stood and walked into the bedroom.

I sighed and walked over to the kitchen to throw away my beer bottle. I silently chastised myself for letting my anger get in the way of our relationship and not being able to just talk.

When I walked into my room, Bella was already in bed. I slid in next to her and rolled over to pull her close to me. She sniffled and wiped her tears, but obliged me and cuddled up against me.

"I don't want to fight with you," she said softly against my chest.

"If we didn't care, we wouldn't fight. That's a start, right? We'll work through this," I replied.

"You know how much I love you, don't you?" she asked, her voice shaking.

"Yes, I know."

We dozed off to sleep in each other's arms. I had never wanted to change myself more than I had tonight. I was defensive and angry because I knew that there was a part of what she was saying that was true. I didn't want to end up the kind of husband who was closed off to his family. Bella was all I had and I couldn't let her leave me over this. Even though she tried to reassure me that she'd stay with me no matter what, everyone has limits and I could see that her limits were being tested. I would find a way to make this work. I had been through enough bullshit for one lifetime and I deserved a little happiness.

And I was going to get it.

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**A/N: So, I know this chapter is going to piss some people off but it had to happen. Edward has no idea how to deal with his new reality and being a strong military man has been his whole life up to this point. In the interest of being realistic, I wanted to address the difficulties of dealing with all that's happened to him. Hang in there with me. There's a method to my madness. **

**I'm so happy to see all the alert and favorite adds, but don't forget to shoot me a review and tell me what you think! I really value your thoughts and your reviews totally make my day! **

**Reviews=Teasers**

**Special thanks to my peeps this week, especially TwiHeart, who listened to my paranoid ramblings for far longer than a reasonable person should have to. Also, much love to my pre-readers, who reassured me that everything would be okay. **

**Did you guys check out the AWA outtake on Smut Monday? What did you think? Good? Bad? Let me know!**


	14. Chapter 14 Confessions

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.

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**Chapter 14: Confessions**

**BPOV**

The tears flowed as soon as I walked away from Edward. I couldn't take arguing with him. This night had definitely not turned out as we both envisioned. He had a great date planned, and I felt like I had ruined it.

Still, our communication issues were the elephant in the room with us. As long as things were flirty and light, we were fine. However, the minute anything more serious was brought up, he got angry and shut me out. I felt like things had gotten to the point where we were when we first got together. Our friendship was fine, our relationship was not. It was not because of a lack of love. There was no doubting our love for each other. I felt loved- I just didn't feel confided in, trusted. I needed both. Without it, I felt like an outsider looking in …excluded from his thoughts.

We made peace when he climbed into bed and cuddled up behind me. I knew he didn't want to fight with me any more than I wanted to fight with him. We needed to find common ground and I had no idea how to do that. I hated that I felt jealous of Irina because she got to know what was really bothering him and I didn't. It was childish and made me feel ridiculous.

My petty jealousies aside, I knew that Irina was helping him. I could see the difference she was making in him and I was happy that his survivor guilt and PTSD symptoms seemed to be getting better. I had even considered the fact that Irina might be able to help us deal with our relationship. It certainly couldn't hurt.

Even though my sleep was filled with worry, I woke up the next morning to light kisses on my face. It definitely put things into perspective and I knew this was his way of making amends. I couldn't stay mad at Edward. It was impossible, especially when he was kissing me. When I opened my eyes, Edward was leaning on his elbow, hovering above me, peppering my face with feather light kisses.

"Mmm, you certainly have the right touch," I hummed as I closed my eyes and succumbed to him. I would not let our argument the night before cause me to hold a grudge.

He lightly brushed the hair off my face, a look of concern creating a crinkle between his eyebrows. "Are you okay?" he asked softly.

I wrapped my arm around his neck and gently played with his soft hair.

"Honestly? I don't know. I don't know how to get past this thing with us. I just don't know how to help you if you won't let me. You don't talk to me," I admitted. I wanted to expand on that thought, but before I could, Edward had climbed on top of me and pulled me into a hug.

"Bella, please don't say things like that," he said with desperation in his voice. "I need you so much. You _are_ helping me. I never would have gotten this far without you."

I hesitated before beginning to speak, worried that I'd get upset. "You know, I've spent so much of our time together worried for you. Every day you were gone, I hated when the phone or the doorbell rang, fearing the worst. It's the worst kind of paranoia. Then when the call did come, I thought they were going to tell me you were dead. I had never felt so scared in my life. The thought of losing you…"

Edward sighed and kissed me before I could finish my sentence. "Shhh …I'm here now."

I gently pushed him away so I could look at him. I tried to get his attention so I could finish my thought. "No, please let me finish."

He looked at me as though I was breaking his heart, but I wanted him to understand where I was coming from.

"I would rather have been in that helicopter crash than to have to watch you suffer like you did, like you still are." I glanced up at him and he caressed my cheek with his thumb lightly. I continued, "It kills me to see you in pain and know that there's not a goddamn thing I can do to help you. I can help you physically, but that's just the tip of the iceberg as far as your healing.

"But you won't let me in. I have to sit by idly and watch the man I love suffer. I know you love me and I know that you are trying to heal, but when you shut me out it hurts me. I don't know how else to put it. It just hurts."

He rolled off of me to lie at my side, our legs still entwined, his arm laid gently across my body.

"I'm sorry that you've had to endure so much just to be with me. I know what it's like to worry about the person you love. When you told me that story about Jake, I was furious. It was a good thing that we weren't talking on the phone because I needed time to cool down. I never thought I'd feel jealousy like that. The thought of you in his bed …" He sighed and shook his head before continuing. "I trusted you. I did. But there was a part of me that thought you'd be justified if you wanted him instead of me. I tortured myself with visions of you kissing him and holding him instead of going home to an empty bed. I know what it's like to feel like you are going to lose the person you love. I've felt it many times with you. Sure, it may be a different kind of loss, but it's loss all the same."

"Edward, nothing happened with Jake," I said softly. "You know that, right?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I know. But even now, I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I could lose you and that scares me."

"You aren't going to lose me," I sighed. "I just want you to tell me what's bothering you."

He buried his face in his hand and I could tell he was struggling to find the words. I waited patiently, but they never came. The only sounds were the sounds of our breathing.

_He's not going to tell me anything. _

"Bella, please understand that it's not easy for me. I'm not the same man you fell in love with. I don't know what else to say."

I rolled over and threw my legs over the side of the bed in frustration. It always ended the same way with us.

_Bella, please understand. _

_I want to talk to you, but I can't. _

_Bella, I need time. _

"Edward, you say that you are scared of losing me, but instead of holding onto me tightly by sharing your life with me, you shut me out with your silence. You're so willing to share your love with me physically, but for some reason, you can't share it with me emotionally. I'm struggling with how to accept that."

Sighing, I stood and walked into the shower. I turned on the tap in a huff and stripped as the water heated up.

I slid under the spray, allowing the heat to envelope me. Tears fell from my cheeks, in what seemed like a daily occurrence. I was tired of it all. I wanted things to get better between us. I knew Edward loved me and was doing what he could, but would it ever get better?

As the water cascaded over my shoulders, I shuddered. The nagging voice in the back of my head reminded me what I already knew.

_I can't live like this.

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**EPOV**

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

I was fucking this up again. I rolled over onto my back and watched Bella walk away from me, eventually ending up in the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

For the first time, I understood what Bella meant when she said that she'd have rather been in the crash than to watch me suffer. Watching her suffer, especially because of me, was killing me. She might have said that she wasn't going to leave me and we might love each other, but was that enough? Could I be the man that she deserved or would I always be this fucked up shell of my former self?

She emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body, her wet hair falling in loose curls over her shoulders. Her eyes were red and puffy and I could tell she'd been crying tears that I had caused. Without making eye contact, she walked slowly across the room into the walk-in closet.

_Man up and fix this, Cullen._

I threw the covers off of me, resolved to do the right thing. I wouldn't let her think that I didn't want her. I couldn't let her feel like she wasn't someone I could confide in. Even though I was worried about truly letting her see me for who I was, I had to take that risk. If I didn't, she'd be gone and I'd be left with nothing.

I made my way into the closet, causing Bella to jump when she realized she wasn't alone. Her back was to me, not wanting me to see that she'd been crying.

"Bella," I whispered, reaching out to touch her shoulder. "Turn around, love."

She shrugged and pulled at the towel around her, before turning to face me, defeated. She looked exhausted and unhappy. All I had wanted was to make her happy and yet I had failed miserably. At that moment, I didn't give a shit about my issues. I didn't care about the crash or any of it. I only cared that Bella was hurting because of me.

I pulled her into me and she let her head fall against my shoulder as I gripped the back of her head.

"I can't lose you," I said quietly into her hair.

She sighed and pulled back, looking me straight in the eyes. "You aren't going to lose me."

"The man you loved died in that helicopter." I was clinging to her as if she were my lifeline.

She looked at me empathetically. "No Edward, you're wrong about that. I love you- this you- and I always will."

I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I knew I needed to be honest with her, but I didn't know where to start. Irina had encouraged me to tell Bella exactly how I felt, but I hadn't imagined it would come out like this, standing in the closet with Bella wearing only a towel.

"I used to think I was strong. I was cocky because I felt like I'd found something that truly mattered to me, something I was proud of. I was really good at my job. I knew it inside and out. And my team? They were my family. Things made sense."

I lowered my eyes, needing a break from the intense emotions coming from Bella. I had enough of my own and I didn't know how much more I could handle.

"I used to laugh at guys who went to therapy. I made fun of Jasper because he was so easily whipped over girls. Then you came along and changed everything. You hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to be a good boyfriend to you, but I'm not used to being open with people. The guys just don't talk about serious things like that, with the exception of Jasper, and even he has his limits.

"And then the crash happened. Now, I don't know who I am or where I fit in! I don't know if I'll be able to return to work, and even if I do, I don't know if I'll be any good. It's all I've ever done. It's all I've ever wanted to do. But now? I think about other things. I find myself looking at families with kids and I can see that in my future. I want that. I want it with you. But how am I going to support a family? I don't know what I'm going to do for work, but I have serious concerns about returning to active duty. I didn't know how you'd feel about that. What if you just want me like I was?

"Bella, the truth is that I'm worried that you fell in love with the cocky, confident guy I was and now that things are different, you might change your mind. I wasn't trying to keep things from you by shutting you out; I just didn't want you to find out how scared and weak I feel."

I exhaled sharply, feeling both relieved and petrified about my confession. It felt good to get things off my chest with Bella, but I was concerned about her reaction.

The tears rolled down Bella's cheeks again, and I worried that I'd fucked things up again. Maybe I should have held back. She had said she wanted honesty, but what if she wasn't ready for that much of it?

"Edward, I didn't fall in love with you because you were a cocky SEAL," she said, smiling through her teary eyes, "although I did find that extremely sexy. I fell in love with you because you are perfect for me. I don't care if you go back to active duty; the only thing that matters to me is that we're together and that you're happy. I think sometimes you military guys get so hung up on your careers, for good reason, that you forget that we love you for the man, not the soldier. I love you, Edward. YOU. Not SEAL Edward, not cocky SOB Edward. You. Don't you know that?"

I pulled her into a hug and began kissing her neck and shoulders.

"I love you so much, Bella," I hummed into her skin. "I've been so worried."

"My silly man," she said as she grabbed my cheeks and looked into my eyes. "Always worrying."

I reached down and grabbed the back of her legs, encouraging her to wrap her legs around me. She obliged and I walked us both over to the bed. Laying her down gently on her back in the middle of the mattress, I began to climb onto the bed on top of her, my eyes never leaving hers.

She reached up and pulled me down so that my weight rested directly on her as she pressed her lips to mine. She was tentative at first and then she gripped the back of my head firmly, deepening the kiss. My hands slid around the small of her back, then to her ass, lifting her hips gently against my now throbbing erection.

"Do you see what you do to me?" I asked with a grin.

"I should hope so," she hummed, flashing her own sexy grin as she pressed up into me.

I moved my hands up the sides of her body, slowly loosening the towel she had tucked neatly above her breasts. "Hmm, this towel is awfully convenient."

She chuckled playfully as I pulled open the towel, shimmying her back and hips so I could remove it entirely. She lay bare beneath me, her skin clean and soft, still pink from the heat of the shower. My hand slipped down her side, over her hips to the outside of her thigh. I could feel the heat radiate off her through my boxers and the desire in me peaked.

"God you feel so good, Bella," I whispered.

I reached down to pull off my boxers, but that put pressure on my shoulder and I winced in pain. Bella flipped us over quickly, obviously noticing my reaction.

_No, don't stop this time._

"Here, let me help you with that," she said as her delicate hands gripped the waistband of my boxers and slid them down my legs, moving lower and lower on the bed.

She looked up at me seductively, crawling on all fours, her hair falling over to one side as she slowly made her way back up my body once my boxers were gone.

"You know, you look incredibly hot doing that," I said matter-of-factly.

"Doing what?" she asked, continuing her cat-like approach.

"Don't be coy with me, Bella," I said jokingly. "You know exactly what you're doing."

She giggled and blushed as she straddled me, then fell forward resting her hands on the bed on either side of my face, hovering above my face.

"Well, I've been waiting a long time for this," she hummed, kissing me lightly. I tried to deepen the kiss, and wrap my arms around her but she pulled back, gripping my wrists and setting my arms on the bed. "Uh uh, I want to do this my way."

"Well, don't let me stop you," I said, reaching my good hand behind my head, grinning from ear to ear. I really liked her taking control. I was quickly remembering how badly I wanted her and how long I had waited. It was making me crazy.

She reached between us and grabbed my cock, her thumb grazing over the tip to spread the moisture already there. I hummed in appreciation and let my eyes fall closed, enjoying the sensation.

"Your hands do some amazing things, love."

She sat up slightly and positioned me at her entrance, coating me with her juices, preparing me. In one quick motion, she pressed herself down onto me, causing both of us to moan loudly.

_So good._

She pushed me deep inside her, leaning back on my thighs, while I grabbed her hips to help her move. She rocked her hips in a steady rhythm against me, pushing and pulling our bodies. I loved it when she took charge of our lovemaking and couldn't take my eyes off of her.

She was so gorgeous and the sight of her riding me with such wild abandon almost made me lose control. It had been such a long time since we'd made love, since before the accident. So many things had changed and it felt like a lifetime since I'd felt her like this.

Feeling her walls clench around me, I knew that she was close. I slipped my hand between us, my thumb gently touching her clit as my fingers felt my cock sliding in and out of her. She gasped as I rubbed her, bringing her over the edge, her body wracked with spasms.

"Oh God, Edward," she panted as she fell on top of me. "That was…"

Before she could finish, I rolled us both over so I was on top of her.

"Edward, you don't have to do this," she said, worried about me hurting myself.

I leaned down and whispered in her ear. "I want to make love to my beautiful girlfriend. Properly."

She laughed lightly and wrapped her arms and legs around me as I pressed into her. I was vaguely aware of my shoulder, but mostly I felt the intense connection between Bella and me. She gave me everything she had and I wanted to give her all I had in return. I withdrew from her body and pushed forward again, watching her every reaction.

I loved that I knew her so well that I could tell just by looking at her face when she was about to come. I loved that I could tell by her moan when I hit that spot inside of her that drove her wild. I loved that our bodies moved together perfectly, each part matching its counterpart.

She was mine again and it was absolutely amazing.

I felt myself getting close and so I picked up my movement. Bella grabbed my ass, her fingers clutching me tightly, pulling me into her. Her wanton desire fueled mine and I struggled to maintain control.

"Bella …I'm close …" I muttered.

She moaned out, "Don't stop."

I thrust into her with everything I had in me and felt her walls pulse as she screamed out in ecstasy.

"Oh fuck …Edward …" Her head was thrown back and her eyes closed tightly as her orgasm overpowered her. My own release came seconds later and we both lay perfectly still, enjoying the feeling of our bodies joined.

Bella got up to clean up and as she walked back to bed, my heart raced. She was so beautiful inside and out and I had no idea how I'd gotten so lucky. Up until I met Bella, there were few things I was truly thankful for. I was amazed at how quickly my entire perspective had changed.

My life. My health. This woman. Those were the things that mattered. I vowed to myself that from this day forward, I'd never forget it. I'd never let my pride or my fear prevent me from being close to Bella again. If I had a ring, I'd have asked Bella to marry me right then. But I wanted to do it right.

If I would just figure out what "right" was.

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**A/N: Have I told you how much I love you all lately? Well, let me take the opportunity now! I LOVE my readers! Thanks so much for the support. Also, if you rec (or see AWA rec'd somewhere), please let me know so I can properly thank you! Little birdies have told me about blogs rec'ing my fic and it totally makes my day. I'm blown away by you guys, you have no idea! **

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**To my betas and pre-readers, you know how much I love you. There aren't enough words.**


	15. Chapter 15 Progress

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. **

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**Chapter 15: Progress**

**BPOV**

"What about this?" I asked, as I held up a barbecue tool kit to show Edward, who was sitting in a massage chair nearby. "Guys love barbecue tools, right?"

Edward closed his eyes and smiled, obviously enjoying the back massage he was being given.

"Bella, your dad already has a bunch of barbecue stuff, doesn't he?" I could tell that Edward was not into Christmas shopping, but at least he humored me.

I set the cooking tools down and huffed. "Yeah, he does. He's so hard to shop for. I swear I get him the same thing every year."

Edward was seemingly ignoring me as I walked around Brookstone, looking for gift ideas for my impossibly hard-to-shop-for father. I still had to shop for Edward, but I had no idea what to get him.

"You've got to try this chair, Bella," Edward said in a relaxed voice that clearly showed his appreciation for the massage.

I sat down next to him in another massage chair, pressing the buttons on the remote and closing my eyes when the rolling massage started. It really was nice.

"God, I need a massage," I said happily.

"Told you," Edward said smugly, not even opening his eyes.

I sat in the chair, letting the massage move up and down my back, not wanting to move. I didn't feel tense until I sat down, but now I realized just how much stress I'd been holding onto.

Edward and I had started seeing Irina once a week together, and she had been really helpful. She helped me accept that some things were just out of my control. I also felt like she had given me a much better understanding of posttraumatic stress disorder and the difficulties associated with it. My own need to help Edward actually made it harder for Edward at times, and Irina was teaching me how to let it go. Apparently I wasn't the only Navy spouse she saw, and for some reason, that gave me a lot of comfort.

Edward had come a long way since his confession in the closet. Even though I knew it was hard for him, he really opened up to me about his concerns. He didn't know if he wanted to go back to active duty or not, and I couldn't say I blamed him. How was he supposed to go back and pretend that nothing had happened? Selfishly, I hoped that he would find something where he didn't have to be gone so much, but if he did decide to go back to the SEALs, I would be supportive.

"Hey Bella," Edward said in his massage-induced stupor, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I glanced over at him and laughed as he looked so blissful.

"Why don't you move in with me?" His eyes slowly opened and his expression became serious and was laced with concern as he tried to interpret my reaction.

I turned to face him in the chair, needing to gauge the seriousness of his request.

"You want me to move in with you?" I asked, my tone now reflecting the significant nature of this discussion.

He nodded. "I do. I think it would great. You're always over at my place anyway and if I'm being honest, I don't want to wake up without you next to me."

I couldn't help the smile that came over my face.

I bit my fingernails as I considered his offer. "Edward, you know I'd love to move in with you. I spend most of my free time there as it is. But I have friends who've ended up breaking up because of that, and as a result, I never thought I'd live with someone before I got married. But now that you're actually asking me, it's hard for me to know what the best thing is for us. Personally, I would do it as long as it's moving toward marriage, but I don't want to end up being the couple who lives together forever and never gets married. You know?"

I hated it when my verbal diarrhea took over.

He leaned forward on the edge of the chair with a smirk on his face. "You want to marry me?"

I stood, reaching my hand out to help him up. "Take it easy, Casanova."

He kept his hand entwined with mine as we made our way out of the store. I was secretly freaking out about him asking me to move in with him. I could tell that he was being sincere, and I couldn't lie that I had thought about it myself. It was just such a big step.

"So what do you think?" he asked, squeezing my hand as we walked through the mall. "Want to be my roommate?"

I did want that. And more.

I remained quiet and Edward continued talking, sensing my apprehension.

He stopped walking as the silence between us grew thick, sitting on the edge of a fountain in the food court with our hands still intertwined.

"I don't want you to do something you're uncomfortable with. I want you to move in with me because I think it makes sense, but if you don't want to I completely understand. I mean it."

He pulled both of our hands into his lap and looked at me intensely, waiting for a response.

"Yes," I said quietly.

"Yes, what?" he asked, seeking clarification.

I looked him straight in the eyes. "Yes, I'll move in with you."

The smile that overtook his face was breathtaking and reminded me of just how gorgeous he was.

Before I could do anything else, his arms were wrapped around me in a giant hug.

"When?" he asked enthusiastically, a huge smile plastered on his face. His excitement was adorable.

"Wow…umm…I don't know. I guess I need to talk to Alice about our apartment and give notice, so I'd say if things go well, and she's cool with it, I could move at the end of the month after Christmas."

He pulled us up to stand and wrapped his arms around me.

"I love you, Bella," he said softly, kissing the top of my head. "I'm really looking forward to it. I hope you are, too."

_How could I not be happy about it?_

We finished our shopping, and as each moment passed, I got more and more excited about moving in with him. It just seemed like it was the logical next step, and I couldn't wait to tell my friends.

I pulled out my phone and typed a text message to Alice.

_Can you hang out tonight? Got some news. ~B_

_News? What kind of news?~A_

_The kind that requires a glass of wine on the balcony.~B_

My phone chirped a few seconds later as she agreed to meet me at our place later. She tried to pry more information out of me, but I didn't want to tell her over the phone. It had been a while since we'd done something where it was just the two of us and I was really looking forward to it. I had a feeling that she and Jasper would be engaged soon, at least Edward had alluded to that, so I knew that our time to hang out as single women was going to be in short supply.

Edward dropped me off at my place with my shopping bags in tow, and I slowly made my way up to our apartment. Alice was there already, and for some reason I was nervous about telling her my news. It seemed like the end of an era. She and I had lived together since college, and I was a little sad that we were not going to be roomies anymore.

By this time, it was almost five o'clock and the sun had set, leaving a swath of color in its wake.

"Grab a glass of wine and let's hang go outside," Alice said cheerfully, having already poured herself a glass. "I want to hear all about what's got your panties in a bunch."

I was going to miss living with Alice.

"I'm so happy to have some girl time," I said as I sat on the patio chair.

"I know. It seems like I haven't seen you at all lately," she lamented. Changing her tone of voice, she energetically continued. "So, what's up? Are you engaged? Knocked up? Well, I guess not since you're drinking wine."

"Well, there's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just come out with it. I'm moving in with Edward."

She set her glass down, the look of shock written all over her face. "Oh my God, you aren't."

I nodded and smiled.

"Bella, you've always said you'd never do that." She was truly stunned by my change of heart on the subject. "What changed?"

I shrugged, knowing that she was right. I'd always thought that I would wait until I was married. Living with someone was a big deal, and I guess I felt like it should come with a commitment. But when Edward asked me earlier, it just felt right. I truly felt like this was a step toward marriage for us, and the thought of that made me giddy.

"I want to marry him, Alice," I said softly. Somehow voicing my feelings made it all seem real. I was really going to move in with him and hopefully marry him someday.

She threw her arms around me in a hug. "Well, shit. That's news all right. I'm so happy for you. You know, I'm pretty sure he wants to marry you, too."

I pulled back and glared at her. She was hiding something from me. "Alice, what do you know?"

She smirked at me, and I knew that Jasper had told her something and I was going to get it out of her. Edward frequently told me that he loved me, but other than a few stray comments, we didn't talk about the future. If we did, it was always about us down the road, not about our immediate future. I was dying for some insight into his mind.

She turned to face me, pulling her foot underneath her to get comfortable.

"Well, Jasper told me that Edward took him out for drinks one night and talked to him about marriage, which I can tell you, shocked the hell out of him. He's never seen Edward so serious before."

"What? When? Why didn't you tell me?" I was blurting out my questions one after the next, leaving her no time to respond.

"I just found out. Apparently, it was while they were in Virginia. Edward asked Jasper if he ever thought about marriage. From what Jasper said, Edward was pretty excited about it. Sounds like he's thinking of proposing," Alice said, raising her eyebrows at me.

I was thrilled and surprised that Edward had thought about it and not in some generic way. He had actually talked to Jasper about marrying me.

_Holy crap!_

We hung out, drinking wine and gossiping until late in the evening. I was happy that Alice took my news so well. She mentioned that she and Jasper had actually considered moving in together too.

I could see the wheels turning in her head. Now that I was leaving, it left her alone in our awesome apartment. Perhaps she'd actually gain a new roommate out of this. I wouldn't put it past her. She could be quite persuasive when she wanted something.

I spent the next couple of weeks packing up my things. It was amazing how much crap I had accumulated over my tenure in this apartment. I was feeling sad and nostalgic as I put my things in boxes. There were boxes everywhere, and it didn't look like home anymore. A lot of the stuff throughout the apartment was mine, so it looked barren. Alice seemed almost excited about the prospect of redecorating.

Everyone was coming over to our apartment the night before I moved for a final hurrah. Alice and Jasper left in the morning to spend the day at the zoo so they wouldn't be in my way as I packed. As predicted, Alice had convinced Jasper to move in with her, and so I didn't feel guilty about leaving her in a bind.

My phone chirped sometime in the mid-afternoon, and I clamored to find it in all the mess. Alice, of course.

_We have some celebrating to do tonight. Can't wait. The zoo is my new favorite place. ~A_

Did she have to rub it in that she was off having a great day at the zoo while I was at home packing? She offered to help me pack and I, being nice, told her not to worry about it. Edward was coming over and I'd have all the help I needed. I didn't want her to have to work, since I was the one moving out.

I typed in my response.

_Wine's chilling. House is a mess. It's not the same.~B_

_Don't make me sad. See you later.~A_

Alice bounded through the door a few hours later and yelled, "Bella, get your ass out here."

I walked out of the bedroom feeling grubby and came face to face with the happiest Alice I'd ever seen. She was positively glowing. She thrust her left hand out in front of her, revealing a very sparkly, very big, diamond ring prominently situated on her fourth finger.

"Oh my God, Alice!" I shrieked as I hugged her tightly. She was practically crying.

I pulled back and looked over at Jasper, who was standing right behind her, smiling proudly.

"Isn't it gorgeous?" Alice asked, beaming. "Jasper got on one knee right in front of the koala exhibit!"

Seeing the strange and surprised look on my face, Jasper chimed in. "I was going to do something elaborate, but as we stood there, I decided I didn't want to wait any longer. Hell, I've had the ring for months; I was just waiting for the right time."

I hugged them both and wished them congratulations. They looked so happy and I was thrilled for them. I also couldn't help but feel a little envious. I wanted that with Edward.

_Patience. One thing at a time._

"So, THAT's what you meant when you said we have a lot to celebrate tonight?" I asked teasingly.

She nodded with a wide smile on her face and slid her arm around Jasper's waist. They really were an adorable couple.

"Where's Edward?" Jasper asked. "I thought he was going to help you pack."

"Oh, I sent him out for some last minute stuff for tonight. He's going to flip when he hears you two are engaged."

"Nah, he knows I was going to propose," Jasper said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, well talking about it and doing it are two very different things."

The reality of that statement left me feeling flat.

Jake, Mike and Sam arrived at the same time as Rosalie and Emmett. Edward was still out running errands when they arrived. I hadn't seen much of my guy friends outside of work. With Edward's recovery and my thrill at having him back in town, I just didn't have much time. I was worried about how Edward and Jake would react to each other, but they both assured me that they'd be on their best behavior for my sake.

Alice spent the first few minutes proudly showing off her new, sparkly accessory as they all congratulated her and Jasper. I was happy for the distraction.

Edward finally walked in with his arms full of grocery bags, mostly filled with alcohol and chips.

_Such a guy._

I grabbed a couple of bags and helped him into the kitchen, setting them down on the counter.

I kissed him lightly and he slapped my ass playfully.

"Hey, take a look at Alice's hand," I said softly in his ear.

He raised his eyebrows and walked around the counter towards Alice. She proudly lifted her hand to show off her ring, and Edward smiled when he saw it.

"So, Jasper finally got up the nerve, huh?" he asked, lightly punching Jasper in the arm.

"Yeah, I guess that means you're next, huh?" Jasper chided.

Edward grew nervous and ran his hands through his hair. "Not sure about that."

"Oh, you know it's true, Edward," Alice said, grabbing her drink as she admired her ring. "There's no need to be shy with us."

Edward smiled nervously, but his less than excited reaction was not lost on me, and I felt a little irritated. I mean, I knew we hadn't really talked about marriage, but I made it clear that I wanted us to be moving in that direction when I agreed to move in with him. His weird reaction to Jasper's comment made me feel like he was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

_Let Alice have her night._

I let it go, for now. It was not the right time for that discussion. Alice and Jasper deserved a fun night out, celebrating with friends. And I wasn't exactly sure what I would even say.

Edward shocked me by walking up to Jake and shaking his hand. They were too far away from me to hear what they were saying, but it looked surprisingly amicable.

"What was that all about?" I asked him when he came back into the kitchen to grab a beer.

"What?" he asked, shrugging his shoulders.

"With Jake? What were you two discussing?" My curiosity was piqued. I had expected them to stay in their respective corners, but not talk and certainly not shake hands.

Edward popped a few M&M's from the candy jar on the counter into his mouth. "I thanked him for taking care of you. As pissed as I was about everything, I was happy that someone was looking out for you."

"Wow, that was big of you. What did he say?"

"He said that's what friends are for."

I was so proud of Edward for making peace with Jake. I knew it wasn't easy for him to accept that I had guy friends. It had been such a problem for us earlier in our relationship, that seeing him be the bigger man made me really happy. He was doing it all for me.

Edward pulled me against him into a tight hug. "I can't wait until you live with me officially."

It was so strange to think that in only one day, I'd get to wake up and see his face everyday. I was scared and excited at the same time.

"Can I ask you something?" I said as he hugged me.

"Sure, what's up?"

"Did you mean what you said to Jasper earlier about not wanting to get married?" My annoyance and curiosity from before was getting the best of me.

He sighed and began fidgeting with my hair, avoiding eye contact. "Bella, you know I love you. I just…I don't like talking about…personal things…with an audience."

"I'm just worried, you know? This is a big step for us and it hurt me that you dismissed marriage so easily," I said softly, pulling away from him, as he resisted and squeezed me tighter, kissing the top of my head.

"I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Jasper just took me off guard and I didn't know what the hell to say. That's not exactly how I thought announcing our engagement would go."

_He's thought about announcing our engagement?_

And just like that, I felt better. It was amazing how just talking to him could sway my moods so profoundly.

We all left our apartment and walked the short distance to the pool hall. Alice and Jasper were so wrapped up in each other that they hardly noticed our presence. We all laughed and talked as we played pool, and I couldn't remember a time recently when we were all together like that, having fun. It seemed like forever ago that we were able to be so free. With Edward's deployment and accident, it seemed like we had been so serious. I loved seeing Edward goofing around with his friends, healthy and happy. He'd earned a little happiness.

Sufficiently tired and buzzed, we made our way back to my apartment and everyone left, leaving just the four of us. Edward grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and slumped down on the couch amidst all the boxes. Alice sat on Jasper's lap in the adjacent chair as I slid in next to Edward, tucking my feet underneath me.

"It looks so weird, doesn't it?" Alice asked, glancing around the room. "It's so bare."

I looked around at the stark walls and the sadness from earlier came back.

"Yeah, we've certainly had our fair share of fun here." Alice nodded and gave me a small smile. I could tell that she was sad as well.

"Now, it'll be a place for you guys to create new memories. I still can't believe you two are engaged," I said, trying to lighten the mood. The future seemed so unknown and a little bit scary, and although we were ready for the change, it seemed surreal.

"It's just so grown up. Doesn't it seem like yesterday when we picked you guys up at McP's?" I continued to talk to fill the silence in the room.

"Hell, if we'd have known back then what we were getting ourselves into…" Edward started to say with a smirk until I elbowed him in the side.

We chuckled at Edward as he leaned in and whispered in my ear. "I wouldn't have changed a thing."

I smiled and cuddled into his side, feeling safe and loved as only he could make me experience.

We said goodnight to Jasper and Alice and made our way to my disaster of a bedroom, shutting the door behind us.

"Just think, tomorrow night at this time, we'll be going to bed in _our_ bed, in _our_ apartment," Edward said as he kicked off his shoes.

"I know. It's a weird thought, isn't it?" I asked.

He stalked over to me with a sexy look on his face. "It's a great thought."

He began to kiss me tenderly, and I completely melted into his loving arms. Everything else disappeared in that moment, and all I could focus on was Edward and how he made me feel.

We made love slowly and passionately, both of us knowing that tomorrow would bring a new journey; one that I was more ready than ever to start together.

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**A/N: This was a transitional chapter, but it's a step in the right direction, right? We'll see what happens as Edward figures out what he wants to do, both with Bella and his future career. **

**As for the outtakes, here's what I've heard so far. Let me know what you think or if you have any other ideas. **

***Edward POV from Chapter 1**

***Jasper POV from the deployment, marriage talk and crash**

***Jasper POV from his proposal**

**Thanks for all the support! Please don't forget to leave me reviews! They make my day. **

**Reviews=Teasers**

**Special thanks to my peeps and to smexy4smarties for all your help this week! **


	16. Chapter 16 Hawaii

**Disclaimer:**** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.

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**Chapter 16: Hawaii**

**BPOV**

Our move had gone without a hitch and I was really happy that we'd taken a leap of faith. Living with Edward was everything I could have hoped for. Knowing that each day I could wake up with him beside me gave me a tremendous sense of comfort. It felt like a home.

Edward seemed to be happier every day. But, I also knew that he had to make some tough decisions about his future and he'd been reluctant to discuss it. As much fun as we were having with his time off, we both knew it couldn't last forever.

For Christmas, he had surprised me with tickets to Hawaii. We had talked numerous times since we met about going someplace tropical and we were finally getting that chance. It was sweet how well he knew me. The fact that he'd put so much effort into planning this vacation for us spoke volumes about how much he cared.

Alice and Jasper were coming with us, as were Emmett and Rosalie, so the girls and I went shopping the week before for clothes. They helped me pick out two new bikinis, which I was sure would drive Edward crazy. We also got plenty of sundresses, and of course, some lingerie. By the end of the day, I knew that our boys would be quite pleased.

I packed my new stuff, careful not to let Edward see. I could barely contain my excitement. The last time I was in Hawaii was when I went to see Edward in the hospital. That flight had been the longest five hours of my life so it was nice to be going on such different terms this time.

This time the energy was palpable. The flight was filled with excitement as the six of us chattered on and on about the things we wanted to see and do.

We exited the plane in Honolulu and made our way to the inter-island terminal to catch our flight to Maui. The sweet aroma of plumeria filled the air, giving me a distinct sense of calm and happiness. I couldn't help the smile that overtook my face.

_Could this trip be any better? I'm in paradise with great friends and Edward. Nope! Couldn't be any better!_

"Hmmm, what is that grin on your face for, beautiful?" Edward whispered in my ear as his nose skimmed along the shell. That only caused my smile to grow wider.

"I am just really, really happy being here with you and our good friends. We so needed this," I told him. He agreed and gave me a gentle but chaste kiss.

We got settled into our rental car and began the short drive to our hotel.

"I can't believe I'm driving a soccer mom car," Emmett complained as he captained the white minivan.

Rosalie smirked as she said, "It was the only car that would fit us all. Plus, you look sexy driving it."

He huffed but calmed as Rosalie put her hand on his thigh, leaned over and said something so low we couldn't hear in the back, but I swear it included something about being easier to straddle. That's when I tuned out, not wanting to hear about their perverted ways. I wouldn't be able to get back into this minivan with images like that floating around in my head. Whatever she said made Emmett stop his bitching, though.

Edward and I were in the far back seat of the van, practically sitting on each other's laps to accommodate all of our luggage. He held my hand while his other arm was around my shoulders.

The view on the drive from the airport to Kaanapali, where we were staying, was gorgeous. For much of the ride, we hugged the rugged coastline as we made our way north to some of the most pristine beaches I had ever seen. But the sight next to me was still the most beautiful thing I would ever see. It was difficult to take my eyes off of Edward. He was just as happy as I was, relaxed, and most importantly alive.

Edward had procured us a corner hotel room on the top floor, so our view was breathtaking. We had an ocean view from every corner of the room. We threw open the patio doors immediately and let the warm ocean breeze flow through the room, along with the rolling sound of the crashing waves.

It was early afternoon by the time we got settled and we all put on our suits and headed to the beach to relax. The sight of Edward in board shorts made all my girly bits tingle. He was just so beautiful. The scar on his side and several other small scars served as a constant reminder of all that he'd endured. I knew they were significant, but I couldn't help but think how incredibly erotic they were, as if they were strategically placed just for me on his hard muscles. They screamed to me to kiss and lick them.

_Damn, this man has a body of a god._

Those scars just made him seem more….I don't know, tough and fuck hot. I couldn't stop ogling him.

"God, it's fucking hot," Edward complained after a few minutes, setting down his book as he played with the strings on my bikini.

I laid the book I was trying to read on my stomach and grabbed his hand lightly. "That's the point, don't you think? I think it feels great. I'm so ready for some heat; it's been so cold in San Diego."

"Yeah well, I'm burning up. Let's get in the water. I need a break." Edward stood and pulled me up with him.

The water was crystal clear and refreshingly cool. Edward wrapped his hands around me as we got deeper and I happily wrapped my legs around his waist. He was so strong and I loved being completely wrapped up in him, as we bobbed up and down with the tide. My arms were wound tightly around his neck as I began to kiss his neck and ears.

"Speaking of things being fucking hot, you are driving me crazy in those board shorts. I can't even concentrate on my book," I all but pouted.

"Bella, if you keep that up, we won't be staying on the beach much longer," Edward said with a smirk as he tilted his head, silently urging me to continue.

"You know, the last time we were in Hawaii, it was very stressful. I think it's time for some new memories, don't you? Perhaps some naughty memories?"

I knew what I was doing to him and I loved it.

The most glorious, but almost devilish smirk came onto Edward's face. "I have a few ideas."

Despite my efforts, we stayed in the water for a few more minutes, spinning and floating with the waves. I could have stayed there all day with him if we were alone and I could have my wicked ways with him. Otherwise, I wasn't going to last much longer if we didn't get some alone time.

As the late afternoon sun became impossibly hot, we all decided to head up to our rooms to get ready for dinner. We were eating at a great restaurant right on the beach and we wanted to get there early for drinks and get an ocean front table.

When Edward and I got up to our room, I headed straight for the shower, feeling sticky and sandy, The shower felt amazingly refreshing, washing the day's saltwater and sunscreen film off my body. There is nothing better than a shower after a day at the beach. Well, except a shower with Edward.

I hadn't been in the shower longer than a couple of minutes, when Edward joined me.

_Geez, took him long enough!_

"Might as well save water," he chuckled, pulling me against his naked body.

I ran my hands up his firm chest, smiling.

"Somehow, I don't think this has anything to do with saving water," I hummed into his ear.

His hands slid down my backside, coming to rest on my ass. He squeezed me lightly and I hitched one leg around his waist, needing to be closer. His erection, which was pressed firmly against my hip, let me know just how much my actions affected him.

"God, Bella, you feel so good," he moaned as I ground myself against him. "I think I've had a hard-on since we got here. Between your fucking sexy bikini and your less-than-subtle moves in the ocean, I'd say you were doing quite a good job teasing me."

I slid my hand between our bodies, gripping him firmly as I whispered, "Hmm, obviously not good enough since you kept me waiting all day. Anyway, it's not teasing. I intend to deliver."

He was impossibly hard as I slid my hand up and down his length. He threw his head back and his arms against the back of the shower, completely surrendering to my touch.

"I love it when you do that," he said through his tightly clenched jaw.

His words urged me to continue as the warm water cascaded over us both. He looked like an Adonis, strong and capable as I pleasured him.

His breathing picked up and his body twitched as I picked up my pace. Suddenly, his hands flew from the wall and were on my shoulders, turning me around to face away from him. He slid his hands down my arms to my hands, guiding them to the wall in front of me.

"You might want to hold on," he said seductively in my ear as his body moved flush with mine.

He kissed my neck as his hands slowly moved around my body, over my stomach and hips. I gasped as he made contact with my most sensitive spots, loving the way his touch set me on fire.

His hand moved lower to my mid thigh and he gently lifted it and set my foot on the ledge of the bathtub, opening me up for him.

Before I could say anything, his hands were back between my legs, caressing me, teasing me, preparing me.

"You're so fucking beautiful," he said as I thrust my hips against his fingers, which were skillfully moving in and out of me.

I felt like I could come undone at any moment. His touch had brought me to the brink and now I needed him to take me over the edge.

"I want you inside of me," I said, barely managing to get the words out.

He removed one of his hands, much to my dismay, and gripped himself, stroking lightly as he moved closer. I could feel his cooling breath on the back of my neck.

He bent his knees and in one quick movement, he thrust himself into me, eliciting a loud moan from both of us. Using my arms as support, I pressed back against him, pushing him deeper and he hissed in appreciation.

"So good, Bella," Edward said through his shallow breaths as he struggled to maintain control.

His hand was splayed out over my lower abdomen, using it to brace my body. His fingers teased my clit as he slid out of me and thrust powerfully back in again.

In a perfect rhythm, we moved together, our breathing labored, our moans synchronized. We were perfectly in tune with one another, co-dependent, knowing that neither of us could achieve such pleasure without the other.

I felt the powerful waves of my orgasm overcome me as I screamed and moaned, his hands never stopping their relentless teasing. Moments later, Edward thrust one final time and he stilled and came hard inside of me, his head resting on my back.

Both of us were completely spent as we stayed like that, joined and panting for several minutes.

He finally pulled out of me, and I turned and fell into his arms.

"I'll never tire of that," I hummed against him. "You do things to me that I never thought possible."

"Yeah well, you've been a good girl so I guess you earned it."

_Cue cocky Edward. _

I feigned indignation and pulled away from him, pretending to get out of the shower, only to be pulled back by his strong arms.

"Don't you dare leave me," he said, kissing my neck. "We haven't even washed up yet."

And with that, he grabbed the soap and began the slow and gentle process of washing me. Each move was deliberate and unhurried, such a contrast to the feral Edward of a few minutes ago.

When I was done being pampered, it was my turn to make him feel good. He lifted his arms in submission as I moved the soap over his body, rising and falling over his masculine curves.

Having saved absolutely no water, we finally emerged from our haven in the shower, pruned and hot as we toweled off. I couldn't help the smile that crept onto my face as I thought about the forceful way he'd taken me and how much I loved it.

We dressed and met our friends downstairs for a short walk to the restaurant along a boardwalk on the beach. The smell of fresh leis filled the air and the sounds of gentle Hawaiian music filtered out onto the boardwalk from the bustling restaurants, making me blissfully happy. There was something so therapeutic about being on vacation, the intoxicating "Aloha Spirit" filling the air.

The restaurant was crowded yet we managed to get ourselves a few drinks and some seats at the bar while we waited for our table. The guys looked stunning with their sun-kissed faces, especially Edward. He'd had such a rough year and it was so heartwarming to see him so relaxed and carefree.

The dinner with the six of us was lively and fun, the wine and tropical cocktails flowing freely. Alice and Jasper discussed their plans for their wedding, which they decided was going to be a formal, black and white, New Year's Eve event. It was perfect for Alice. She'd always wanted the full blown affair. I had to admit, the thought of Edward in a tux was very enticing.

After dinner, Edward and I took our time walking back to our room. The others had gone ahead, so we strolled hand in hand along the boardwalk. We ran across a small outdoor restaurant bar that had a guitar player singing soft reggae tunes. Edward dragged me inside to a table and we sat, listening to the musician as he crooned for us, the warm ocean breeze blowing gently around us.

I cuddled into his arms as he pulled me close.

"I'm really happy," I said with a sigh.

He kissed my temple and joined our hands. We sat, arm in arm, and listened to the comforting music as we enjoyed the sense of just being together. It was such a novelty to most people, but to us it was special. After all the time we'd been apart and the time when I didn't know if we'd ever see each other again, we'd earned this.

We left the bar and began our walk back to the hotel. Edward pulled me off the path and onto the sand, causing me to lose my balance and stumble into his waiting arms. The beach was dark and quiet, only the sounds of the nearby restaurants could be heard above the crashing waves.

We took off our shoes and sat on the sand, listening to the relaxing ebb and flow of the waves. Edward pulled me against him and I rested my head on his shoulder. After a few minutes, he pulled his arm from around my shoulder, leaving me feeling cold and shivering in its absence. He reached into his pocket and pulled something bulky out, cradling it in his hands.

_What the hell is that?_

"Bella, I don't even think I'd recognize the guy I was before you came along," Edward said, playing with the small box in his hands.

_He can't be doing what I think, can he? It's so not like him._

Pulling myself out of my obsession, I wrapped my arms around his bicep, cuddling up closer. "You were awfully cocky, I have to admit."

He chuckled. "No, that's not what I meant, although I'll take that as a compliment. It's just that I thought I had it all figured out back then. I was living the dream, you know? I had accomplished my dream of becoming a SEAL. Doing what so many people tried to do but couldn't. Yet meeting you made me realize that without someone to share it with, none of it means anything."

I gently rubbed his arm, appreciating his kind words. I desperately wanted to know what was in the box, as it was small and everyone knows what comes in small boxes, but I let him go about this the way he wanted figuring its contents would eventually be revealed. Besides, I was really interested in what he was saying since him opening up to me was still so new for us.

"My mom would have loved you," he said with a sad look on his face as he remembered her. His hands fidgeting with the box momentarily distracted me.

_Oh, maybe it's a piece of jewelry that belonged to his mom?_

"I'm sure I would have loved her too. She sounds very special. She'd have been very proud of the man you've become," I said soothingly, yet internally freaking out over the contents of the box.

"Are you happy living with me?" he asked, changing the subject rather abruptly.

_Okay, that wasn't what I expected. _

"Uh…of course I am," I replied lamely. "It's only been a little while, but it's been better than I could have ever imagined."

He turned to face me and took my hands in his, placing the box beside him in the sand.

_Seriously, what the fuck is in the box?_

"Would you consider doing it permanently?" he asked, looking down at the sand between us.

"Edward…of course…I mean I'm not planning on moving anytime soon."

"Bella, what I'm asking you is if you'll stay with me forever. I want to be with you forever." His voice cracked with emotion and I could tell he was struggling to say the words.

_Forever? As in…FOREVER?_

I slid my hand out of his and lifted his chin. The emotion on his face caught me off guard. It wasn't everyday that I got to see my strong Navy SEAL in such an emotional state.

I gazed into his eyes, trying to find the words before he spoke again.

"I want to marry you, Bella." This time, he didn't break my gaze. Instead, his eyes pierced right through me and I was overcome with joy.

_Ohmygodohmygodohmygod…_

"Edward…"

"Shh," he said, bringing his finger to his lips as he grabbed the box from the sand. Inside there was a smaller, black velvet box and upon seeing it, tears fell from my eyes in sheets.

He slowly opened it up, revealing a gorgeous solitaire diamond ring.

"I _really_ want to marry you," Edward said lovingly. "Will you do me the honor?"

I threw myself into his lap, causing him to fall back onto the sand with me on top of him. I kissed him with everything I had as his arms wrapped around my back, not caring who could see us.

"I love you so much, Edward," I said in between kisses. "And I would love to be your wife."

His hands gripped my face as he pulled me slowly to meet his lips. "Thank you," he said softly. "You have no idea how happy you've just made me."

We lay there together, basking in our bliss for a while as I carefully inspected my beautiful new ring. I didn't want the moment to end. Although we were anxious to share our news with our friends, there was something special about having that moment for ourselves. No one would ever take that away from me and I would never forget the sheer happiness I felt in that moment, knowing that I would have the rest of my life to love Edward.

I was on top of the world.

It was getting late and as much as we both wanted to stay on the beach, we knew we couldn't. Edward helped me up and we walked the short distance to our hotel, never letting go of one another.

"Well, I guess we have some new memories of Hawaii, huh?" I asked jokingly.

"I guess you could say that." Edward gave my hand a quick squeeze as we made our way into the lobby and up the elevator to our room.

Before the door to our room was even closed behind us, Edward had me pressed against the wall. His hands held mine above my head as his body pressed firmly against me.

"I want to make love to my fiancée," he whispered in my ear.

"Say it again," I hummed, loving the way the words sounded.

I felt him smile as his kisses ghosted over my shoulder.

He lowered my hands and pulled me into the bedroom. We made love to the sound of the waves crashing outside, tender and sweet. When we came down from our respective highs, I nestled into his body letting his warmth engulf me.

"Bella Cullen," I said as I ran my hands over his chest. "It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

He pulled me close to him. "It certainly does."

The next morning came way too early as the sun shone brightly into our room. I rolled over and cuddled with Edward, who instinctively wrapped his arms around me and pulled me on top of him.

"Mmm, good morning, love," he said as he threaded his hands into my hair, rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs.

"Good morning," I replied.

Reluctantly we got up and eventually made our way downstairs to the hotel restaurant for breakfast to meet our friends.

I hadn't taken two steps inside before Alice started screaming.

"Bella, do you have something you need to share with us?" Alice asked as she grabbed my newly decorated hand.

_Wow, she really has an eagle eye when it comes to jewelry._

I smiled widely and nodded as she threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly.

"I just knew it was going to happen on this trip!" she said.

The others congratulated us as we made our way to our table. The entire breakfast was filled with wedding talk, much to the guys' dismay. Every once in a while I'd catch Edward staring at me with a smile and I knew that despite his tough guy exterior, he was excited about us planning a wedding.

The rest of the trip went by in a blur. We laid out, swam, drank and ate to our heart's content. At night, I would showcase my new lingerie collection and gauging by Edward's reaction, I'd say he approved wholeheartedly. By the end of the week, I was actually ready to go home. It had been a wonderful vacation, but spending so much time in the sun and staying up late had definitely taken its toll on me.

For our last night, we decided to go out to dinner in Lahaina town and then hang out on the balcony of our hotel room and have a few cocktails since it had the best view. Dinner was fantastic, as was the view from the restaurant and we lamented that it was our last night in paradise. The balmy night air was a perfect reprieve from the scorching heat during the day.

When we arrived back at the hotel, everyone went back to their respective rooms to change into more comfortable clothes and then they were going to meet us in our room in a few minutes.

Edward sat on the bed as I hung up my dress, leaving me in only my bra and underwear. His eyes were fixed on me.

"You've got a pretty nice tan going there, Bella," he observed casually.

I glanced down at my body, suddenly feeling very confident. "I do, don't I?"

"You look so pretty right now," he said in a whisper, shaking his head. "So pretty." Edward's words sounded more like an internal observation rather than a compliment I was meant to hear. They were filled with longing and I could have sworn a little sadness.

Despite how much fun we'd had that night, Edward was a little off. He didn't seem like himself.

I threw on some yoga pants and a tank top and walked over to sit on the bed next to him, pulling my leg up to get comfortable.

"Is everything all right?" I asked him as I wrapped my hand around his. "You seem like something's bothering you."

He looked down at our hands and sighed.

"Edward, please talk to me. Look at me, it's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay." I tried to stay calm, as a myriad of horrible thoughts ran through my mind.

_Is he hurt?_

_Is he reconsidering his proposal?_

_Is he having nightmares again?_

Finally after what seemed like several minutes, he spoke. "I think I've made a decision, but I wanted to talk to you about it first."

"What kind of decision?" I asked, my voice laced with concern.

"I don't know how you'll feel about it, so I've been putting off saying something." The look in his eyes mirrored the concern in his statement. He was legitimately apprehensive about what I'd think, which made me even more uneasy.

"What is it, Edward? I'm worried now." I nervously rubbed the back of his hands with my thumbs.

"I think I'm going back to active duty."

I felt the air leave my lungs in a whoosh.

* * *

**A/N: So, what did you think? Love it? Hate it? You know I couldn't leave you without my signature shower scene. Hee, hee.**

**Reviews make me feel like I'm writing for an audience, and you have no idea how powerful that can be. It' s motivating beyond belief. It's not hard, just click the button and make my day! Plus, there's a teaser at stake!**

**Thanks, as always, to the people who help me with this story. My betas, scsquared and Twiheart, as well as ellierk, jermak99 and Sunfeathers. Many, many thanks! **

**Finally, I have two fic recs this week. These stories owned me this past week. I hope you get as wrapped up in them as I have. Links are in my profile.**

_**Tangled up in Blue**_** by TxBirdie**

_**Faking It**_** by spanglemaker9**


	17. Chapter 17 Active Duty

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. **

* * *

**Chapter 17: Active Duty**

**Part 1: Preparations**

**BPOV**

March 22nd.

The date loomed over us as we approached the Ides of March.

Only a few more days.

Edward had returned to active duty as planned in January. We both were skeptical and tentative at first, not knowing if he'd be able to handle it. My initial reaction when he told me that he was considering it in Hawaii was panic and anger. How could he put me through that again, especially so soon after our engagement? Wasn't I a factor in his decision? But after we talked about it, I realized that asking him to walk away from his passion, his life, would be tremendously selfish on my part. We'd find a way to make it work.

Irina had been tremendously supportive and he and I both continued to see her regularly. Physically he was okay, but emotionally we were both worried that his PTSD would creep up and prevent him from staying focused and being sharp.

However, the opposite occurred when he started back up. The feelings of inadequacy that he'd suffered with left him as he trained and worked with his friends again. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed the excitement and pace of the day-to-day life as a SEAL until he was back. I could tell immediately how much his self-esteem benefitted from being back.

We spent as much time together as we could before Edward had to leave. I increased my time with Irina because I was panicked about him putting himself in harm's way again. I honestly didn't know how I was going to get through another deployment after what had happened in his last one. Irina was extremely reassuring, and helped me realize that as much as I wanted to protect Edward, his safety was beyond my control. It was a difficult concept to accept.

One thing was different about this deployment, though. As hard as it would be to have him go back into the fire, and as much as the possibility of him getting hurt again scared the crap out of me, I knew that we were committed to each other. He was my rock and I was his and no matter what happened, that would never change.

I tried to remember my state of mind during the last couple of deployments and it was almost like watching the pages of a book turn, telling a story. The first time he left, I hardly knew him. But I knew that he was something special and over the course of that deployment, I felt an indescribable bond form with him. The second time he left, we were still so new and unsure. We wanted to be together, but we hadn't worked out all of our issues and it was torturous being apart.

Then there was the last time. I never wanted to curl up and die more than I did the day I got that horrible phone call about Edward. My heart stopped beating for a few seconds. I couldn't breathe. Then his recovery was so slow and he was in so much pain. But the worst part about that time had been that he shut me out emotionally. I was completely drained, yet at the same time elated and grateful that he had pulled through.

Because of all we'd been through, I now felt like we really had the foundation in place to endure whatever life threw at us. I couldn't say that I was thrilled with his decision to return to active duty, but I supported him fully. He included me in the decision-making process and I understood his reasons for going back.

We were in a good place. We'd settled smoothly into living together. There were the typical compromises and adjustments, but nothing that we hadn't been able to work through. I was happier than I'd ever been.

Prior to meeting Edward, I thought that things in my life were good. I had great friends, a good job, and dated a bit. I was happy. But then I met Edward and I was really able to put happiness into perspective. Existing isn't the same thing as being happy and up until recently, I wouldn't have been able to distinguish the difference. As cliché as it sounded, Edward brought me happiness and completeness. I felt…whole, like he was my other half, my better half, to be honest.

Edward and I decided we wanted a beach wedding in the summer. Nothing too extravagant, yet big enough that the people we were closest to could attend. The thought that I was actually planning a wedding with Edward still sounded unbelievable. My life had been turned upside down in the most wonderful way over the course of the last year.

Unfortunately, Edward's deployment meant that he'd be gone for most of the summer, so we changed our plans to a destination wedding in Hawaii in January. As disappointed as I was at first about not having our summer wedding, I grew more and more excited about going back to Hawaii to make it official.

It seemed appropriate for us, given how much we'd been through in Hawaii. We took the idea of creating new, happy memories there literally, and it was poetic in a way. It was a way to replace the pain and fear we'd once felt when he was in the hospital there, with happiness and comfort. Hawaii was also the place where we first declared our love for each other, so it seemed appropriate that we would declare it in front of everyone in a wedding ceremony.

It felt like we were finally moving past the nightmare of the accident. I was beginning to understand the level of commitment that is required of a SEAL. It was not something that Edward could turn off, no matter what he'd been through. He struggled with his desire to continue to be a SEAL and overcoming his fears. I was so proud of him that he was able to look his fear in the face and tackle it.

He was concerned about the deployments for other reasons as well, especially when we started a family, but I knew that we'd make it through the tough times as long as we were open and honest with each other. We'd struggled so much with that over the course of our relationship, but we were in a different place now and that provided me comfort.

So, as we spent the last few days together before he left, I buried my sadness about our separation and focused on the beauty of what we had together. We went out together. We stayed in and cooked. We hiked. We went wine tasting. We watched movies. He even taught me how to surf. We did as much as we could, but we couldn't stop the day from coming. It was inevitable and we both had to face it.

The night before he left, I helped him pack his things, the air thick with sadness and trepidation. I washed and folded all of his clothes as he meticulously packed them away.

Military men are crazy about their packing.

As sad as I was, I managed to put on a happy face, not wanting to send Edward off with tears as I had done in the past. I wanted the last thing he saw to be my smile. I wanted that to sustain him.

Edward was quiet, yet affectionate with me. He knew that this was hard for me, so he gave me my space. Still, every few minutes, I'd feel his arms wrapped tightly around me or a light kiss as he passed by. The look on his face each time he looked at me confirmed that his feelings ran as deep as mine did. I knew without a doubt that I had nothing to worry about with him. He was as committed to me as I was to him. I hadn't felt that confident in the past and it made all the difference with my state of mind.

As the hour grew late and Edward finished packing, we both slipped into bed. I wanted our last night together to be special and loving so it would keep him going through our separation.

His touches were tender. Mine were needy and possessive. As we made love, an overwhelming feeling of being home overcame me. This man truly possessed my heart and my home was wherever he was. If that meant that I had to wait for him forever, then so be it.

He held me tightly when we both had recovered, the safety and security of his arms soothing me as a soft lullaby would soothe a sleepy baby. My mind softened under his soft caresses until I drifted off to sleep on his chest, sated and content.

The next morning we both woke early as we had to be at the base by eight o'clock. Determined not to let Edward see me upset, I steeled my resolve to be strong. He needed that from me.

We hugged and kissed each other for several minutes before pulling away. I fought back the tears and I could see the same agony in his eyes.

With his hands on the sides of my face, he kissed me for the final time.

"I love you so much, Bella," he said softly, his voice cracking. "So much."

"I love you too. Please be careful. You have a family now."

The smile that overtook his face was breathtaking.

"I know I do and I promise I'll come home to you."

And then he was gone. It was March 22nd. Six months to go.

* * *

**Part 2: Letters from Afar**

**EPOV**

This deployment would have us on a carrier until we reached Guam, then we'd take a plane from there. I was thanking the Gods that it wasn't a helicopter, as I wasn't quite ready for a long trip yet. I'd been up a few times for short drills, but thankfully everyone was sensitive to my situation and didn't ask much more than that.

I'd forgotten how close things were on carriers. People were close. The walls felt low and confining. It was claustrophobic.

I missed Bella already. Getting settled in my ridiculously small space, I pulled out my laptop and began typing an email to her.

_March 22nd_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: My fiancée _

_Do you ever have those moments when someone says something light and harmless and it sends you into a tailspin? That's what happened to me after I left you at the base. I was talking to Lt. Marcus and he asked me how my fiancée was doing. _

_Fiancée._

_I know that's what you are, but hearing it roll off his tongue was surreal. I don't think I've heard anyone refer to you that way yet. I freaked out a little bit, which he no doubt noticed. It wasn't a bad freak out; I just couldn't help the smile that lit up my face. You, Bella Swan, are MY fiancée. Un-fucking-believable. _

_I'm the luckiest bastard in the world. _

_Miss you already. Talk soon. _

_Love, _

_Your still-stunned fiancé_

I shut the computer and turned on my Ipod, letting the music lull me to sleep.

The next morning I was startled awake, briefly forgetting where I was. I ran my hand through my hair as the realization hit me. I missed her warm body next to mine.

I checked my email and was thrilled to see that Bella had responded.

_March 23rd_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: re: My fiancée _

_I do have those moments. Every time I realize that I get to spend the rest of my life with you, I shake my head in disbelief. How the hell did I get so lucky? I'm just simple Bella Swan and you…well, you're amazing. _

_Stay focused and be safe. _

_Love, _

_Your fiancée who misses you_

I hummed and smiled as I read her words.

The days passed quickly after that first day of adjustment, despite missing Bella. There was little downtime and before I knew it, we were in Guam preparing for the next part of our mission.

I had to admit that I enjoyed being back. I was so worried that I wouldn't feel comfortable or that I'd second guess everything, but it just felt right. Emmett and Jasper were with me, and that made me feel less alone. These guys were my brothers and they helped me find myself again. I felt strong and alive.

I still struggled with nightmares and mild panic attacks, but it was nowhere near what it was when I first got home. I found that exercise and keeping busy helped me focus on the positive things in my life, not the guilt I felt over surviving the accident or the fear I had felt in the crash.

I was reading an article on in my sparse quarters, on some desolate base in the middle of nowhere, when my email chirped.

_April 18th_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Swan_

_Subject: Feeling Naughty _

_So I woke up this morning, after a particularly vivid dream about you, feeling very worked up. In my dream, you came home from deployment, pinned me up against the wall of our apartment as soon as we walked in the door and fucked me until I literally couldn't walk. It was amazing and seemed so real. _

_Given how aroused I was by you in my dream, despite you being a world away, I had to take care of business by myself. I pictured your hands on me and I was gone. _

_Do you think you can make my dream come true? Because if it is anything like it was in my mind, I think you'll be quite happy too!_

_Love, _

_Your not-so-innocent fiancée_

.

Bella knew very well what that email would do to me and I could almost picture her devious smirk as she wrote it. Thinking about her touching herself, picturing my hands on her body made me impossibly hard.

_I guess it's my turn to take care of business._

Still coming down, I decided to type a response.

_April 18th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: re: Feeling Naughty _

_I know I don't have to tell you what I just did upon reading your last email. Of course, I know that you were well aware of exactly what you were doing to me and I love you even more for it. _

_So, thanks for taking care of my sexual needs while I'm away. If a pair of your panties happened to make it into my next care package, I wouldn't object. Just sayin'…_

_And don't you worry about that dream, baby, it'll become a reality the minute I get back. In fact, I think it's going to be a recurring dream for me now, too. _

_Love, _

_Your still-worked-up fiancé_

It was well into summer and the days were hot and long. We were close to the equator, so the sun beat down on us mercilessly as we trained. I had a longer helicopter mission coming up in the next couple of days and was starting to get stressed about it. I didn't want to let anyone down.

I told myself that I could do it. I prepared mentally just as Irina had suggested. I needed to get past my fears. I didn't want to be consumed by this.

"Hey," Jasper said as he came into my bunk area. "I'm bored. Wanna play cards or something? I have about two hours before I have to report for my shift."

I smiled and nodded, needing something to take the boredom away. I sat up and grabbed a deck of cards from my desk drawer.

"So, how's Alice holding up with this deployment?" I asked as I shuffled.

"She's sad, but she's doing great. I think it helps that she's got Bella who can identify with her. Plus, she's got the wedding planning going on, which keeps her busy."

"Yeah, your wedding is going to be quite the shindig from the sound of it," I said with a chuckle. According to Bella, Alice was a wedding planning machine. Jasper just had to hold on for the ride.

"If Alice had her way, there would be five hundred people." Jasper just shook his head, as he threw a card onto the desk.

"Are you guys going to be back from your honeymoon in time for our wedding?" I asked. I didn't want to have my wedding without Jasper there and I knew Bella felt the same way about having Alice there.

"Shit, I wouldn't miss it," Jasper said frankly.

"Good, 'cause I was sort of hoping you'd be my best man." I felt like such a chick, but it was really important to me to have him stand up for me.

"Sure man, of course. I guess it's the least I can do after having you stand up for me."

After we finished several rounds of very competitive Gin Rummy, Jasper left to go to work, while I still had several hours before I had to report.

I pulled out my laptop and typed an email to Bella.

_August 5th_

_To: Bella Swan_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Stuff _

_I was just sitting here thinking about you. I asked Jasper to be my best man today, which he agreed to do. You don't have to worry about them being gone. Jasper said they'd be back from their honeymoon by then. But, talking to him got me thinking about our wedding. I can't wait to see you coming down the aisle in a white dress. I know I sound like a complete douche, but it's true. _

_Also, can you believe that I only have one more month to go? It seems like it went faster this time than in the past. Maybe I'm just excited to see you. _

_I think about you all the time and hope you're not too lonely. I bet San Diego is absolutely perfect right now. I remember last summer going to the beach with you and swimming in the waves. I would give anything to be there doing just that right now. It's amazing how I took for granted all the times I could touch you and hold you whenever I wanted, when I'd give anything just to kiss you right now. _

_I love you so much and am counting down the days until I see you._

_Love, _

_Your sappy fiancé_

The mission ended and I found myself so happy to see Bella that I could hardly stand it. She'd been incredibly supportive throughout this deployment and I admired how selfless she could be. I knew it was hard on her, but she supported me and made me feel like I was worth the hardship.

* * *

**Part 3: Homecoming**

The last hour of the flight home dragged on like I couldn't believe. I had gone six months without seeing Bella, and yet this hour seemed to take forever.

I fidgeted in my seat and tried to concentrate on my book, to no avail. How the hell was I supposed to read when I was going to get to see Bella? Jasper laughed at me, but he was doing the same thing as I was.

_Fucking hypocrite. _

We started our descent and I was bouncing off the walls. The shape of San Diego came into view outside the window and I was able to temporarily distract myself trying to find landmarks out the window.

We touched down and I felt my heart pounding in my chest. My whole world was right on the other side of that door and I felt like I could break it down just to see Bella.

I scanned the crowd as mayhem erupted around me. There were cries and hugs and screams of joy as families reunited. Alice ran up to Jasper and practically tackled him. Both had the same huge grin spread across their faces. It was cool to see him so happy.

I bobbed my head trying to find Bella and finally saw her through the crowd. She hung back, leaning against a pole, looking so perfect as her hair blew in the wind. She had on short jean shorts and a yellow fitted tank top. Her legs looked like they were a mile long as they crossed at the ankles, waiting. She looked anxious, tapping her foot as she scanned the crowd, trying to find me. I felt happy knowing that she was as excited to see me as I was to see her.

I broke out into a run when I saw her, and as soon as she saw me the most breathtaking smile broke out onto her face. I dropped my bag and grabbed her, swinging her around as I hugged her so tight she probably couldn't breathe. Her delicate arms flew around my neck, her legs around my waist, and she buried her face in the crook of my neck.

"Oh my God, Edward," she said, her voice cracking.

I set her down and brought my hands up to her face, which was now streaked with tears.

"You sure are a sight for sore eyes," I said as I pulled her into me for a kiss. It was sweet at first, but quickly deepened as six months' worth of pent up desire bubbled to the surface.

"I'd better get you home," she whispered. "We have a dream to play out." She smirked at me and I felt my pants tighten at the thought.

That dream of hers had become an ongoing source of inspiration for us, referenced frequently in our emails back and forth.

I was ready to make the leap from dream to reality.

We laughed and talked incessantly on the short ride home, wanting to fill the other person in on the little things that had been going on. It was the little things that made me feel close to her. They weren't significant enough to put into an email, but they were insights into her mind and I loved it.

Bella carried my backpack while I grabbed the bigger duffel from the trunk. We made our way up the short walk to our apartment. I was so fucking happy to be home.

She fumbled with the key as I snuck up behind her, pressing my body against hers.

"Something got you anxious, Bella?" I said in my most seductive voice.

She shivered when my breath ghosted by her ears as I breathed in her scent. I could feel the heaving of her chest against mine and I knew that she was as excited by my proximity as I was by hers.

She pulled herself together enough to get the door unlocked and walked into the room, setting the backpack down on the couch as she took off her sandals.

I dropped my duffel inside the door, kicking off my shoes and immediately closed the distance between us.

I held up my hands and she brought hers up to meet mine, our fingers intertwining, holding each other tightly. She had her back to the wall, so I moved us both slowly until her back was firmly against it. I kept moving though, pressing our bodies firmly together.

"I love that look in your eyes, Edward," Bella sighed, parting her legs slightly so I could slide my knee in between them, getting me closer to the Promised Land.

"What look is that?" I mumbled as I moved to kiss behind her ear, then slowly moved down her neck.

"The one that lets me know that I'm about to get it good."

_So fucking sexy._

I let go of her hands and gripped her hips tightly, pulling her against my cock, which was equally excited at our reunion.

She whimpered, her hands moving up my chest, finally wrapping around my neck.

I moved my hands up her sides, lifting her tank top up as I went. Her skin was soft and warm underneath my touch. She withdrew her hands from around my neck and lifted her arms as I pulled her shirt off slowly, shaking her hair once it was free.

Not stopping there, I moved to the button on her shorts, sliding the zipper down as we gaze intensely into each other's eyes. I couldn't wait to get her completely undressed, to be inside of her, as close as possible.

I lowered her shorts, taking her lacy boyshorts with them as I lowered them down her body, trailing kisses along the way. As much as I wanted to see them on her, I needed her too badly.

She stepped out of her shorts as I kissed my way back up. Her arms went around her back and she unclasped her bra, freeing her perfect breasts and leaving her gloriously naked in front of me.

Our hands and breathing were frantic and needy as she began to work on the buttons of my uniform, which seemed far too constricting at the moment.

_How many fucking buttons are there on this shirt anyway?_

She wasted no time ridding me of my shirt as well as my undershirt.

"I've missed this gorgeous body so much," she hummed as she kissed my now naked chest. I let my head fall back at the feel of her lips on my body. Her delicate fingers moved lower, dipping slightly below the waistline of my pants. She unclasped my belt, then the button on my pants as I watched in awe.

Once we were both naked, I wrapped my arms around her waist again, relishing in the feeling of being skin to skin with this amazing woman. I could feel her everywhere. Her hands roamed my back, gripping me tightly as though I might disappear.

I moved my hands to her ass, encouraging her to wrap her legs around me, which she did. My cock was right there, feeling the slickness between her legs. I knew she wanted this as much as I did, that much was evident.

I pressed her firmly against the wall, a moan coming from her mouth as I leaned in and kissed her passionately. Our tongues mingled and danced as we tried to take each other in. I wanted to crawl inside of her. I didn't think I could ever get close enough.

"Please, Edward," she sighed breathily.

We both had waited so long to be together like this and now the waiting was over. I needed her.

I reached down between us, bending my knees slightly as I grasped my cock and slid it up and down her entrance. Her gaze was fixed downward, watching me, which almost made me come right then.

I positioned myself and pressed into her and she threw her head back, knocking it against the wall, and gasped.

"Fuck, it's like the first time," she sighed and I felt the same way.

Being gone for so long, I had forgotten just how fucking perfect she felt. It was incredible.

She kissed me again as I pulled out and thrust back into her, this time getting much deeper than before. Her hands moved to the side of my face as she kissed me with everything she had as I moved within her. My muscles were tense from holding her up and grinding into her. I wondered briefly if my knees would buckle, but they didn't and I began to thrust powerfully into her, needing my release and needing her to feel all the love I had for her.

"Baby, I don't think I can last much longer," I said as I rapidly approached my climax.

"Please don't stop, Edward," she breathed. "I'm so close."

She reached down between us and rubbed herself gently, making it nearly impossible for me to hold back. I withdrew and pumped into her again.

"I'm…fuck…don't stop…unh…" Her head was thrown back and the look on her face as she came made me erupt in violent spurts within her.

I couldn't move. I could barely breathe. The feeling of being with Bella again was almost too much for me to take. I was overwhelmed. She was my everything.

"Welcome home, Edward," Bella said, chuckling at how fiercely we had wanted each other.

"That was quite a welcome," I said with a smirk. "Maybe I should go away more often."

She hugged me tightly, her arms wrapped around my neck.

"Don't even think about it."

I felt so loved and at peace. I couldn't wait to make her my wife. For the first time in a long time, I knew what it felt like to have a family.

It was total bliss.

* * *

**A/N: Please read this- important information ahead! **

**I'd like to thank my awesome readers, betas, and pre-readers for making this such a great experience for me. I received a ton of alert and favorite adds last chapter, but I have no idea where AWA was rec'd. If you are a new reader, please drop me a line and let me know who I can thank! **

**In case you haven't heard, this is the last regular chapter of AWA. I have written an outtake that is currently with my betas, which is EPOV from chapter 1. I'm very pleased with the way it turned out and I think you guys will like it. So, if you haven't done so already, please put me on author alert so you'll be notified when it posts. **

**There will also be an epilogue, which I'll get up as soon as I can. **

**So, what's next for me? I'm currently working on an outline for a new story. I think it should be a lot of fun and I hope you all will stick around with me for that. I hope to have the first couple of chapters written very soon. Again, please add me to your author alerts so you'll know when that happens. **

**Thanks again for reading and please shoot me a review to let me know what you thought! **


	18. Chapter 18 Forever

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Chapter 18: Epilogue- Forever**

**BPOV**

"Do you promise to love, honor and cherish him, so long as you both shall live?" the minister asked.

I looked over at Edward in his dashing white uniform and noticed how nervous he looked, just as Alice said, "I do."

Jasper clutched Alice's hands and the brightest smile I had ever seen washed across his face.

"Then by the power vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."

Jasper pulled Alice into a tight embrace and kissed her lovingly, while the crowd cheered. I couldn't help the tears that flowed down my face, as I watched my best friend marry such a great guy.

I handed Alice her stunning white rose bouquet and she beamed at me. I was so happy for them. They took off down the aisle as the recessional music played. Then Edward and I followed behind them and the rest of the wedding party followed us.

Alice had spent countless hours planning her very formal, New Year's Eve, black and white wedding. Every detail had been considered and carefully executed and it was a fairy tale. Her dress looked like a masterpiece, it was so detailed and gorgeous. The whole thing was just so perfect for Alice.

Edward clutched at my arm as we walked up the aisle and I couldn't help but think about our own wedding, which was only a few short weeks away. I couldn't wait to be making similar vows to Edward in Maui.

The reception room overlooked the ocean and all the tables had white flower arrangements with candles on them. It was dusk and the room glowed from the candles and the white twinkle lights strewn throughout the room.

Alice grabbed my hand and dragged me into the bathroom. "I need your help."

I shook my head and laughed but followed her anyway. She did look like she was going to need help, as her dress was almost bigger than she was.

We giggled as I helped her maneuver the bathroom stall in her full dress. "This thing is unwieldy. It's a two person job," she huffed. I couldn't help but smile as we bonded in the confines of a hotel bathroom.

"Just hurry up, or someone will think you've fallen in," I joked.

Alice straightened herself up as I fixed the back of her veil. Alice knew me better than anyone else, so she could easily detect the anxiety written all over my face, which I'd been trying desperately to hide.

"Don't worry, Bella," Alice said cheerfully as I helped her tie up the bustle on her dress. "You're up next."

"I'm not worried about that," I said truthfully. "I'm more worried about telling him about the _other_ thing."

Alice looked at me, aghast. "Do you mean to tell me that you haven't told him yet?"

I crinkled up my face and shook my head, preparing myself for her wrath.

"Why the hell not?" She put her hands on her hips, waiting for an answer.

"I don't know. I guess I'm scared of what he'll say."

"Bella, it's a baby, not a death sentence. Plus, you know he'll be thrilled."

"That's just it, I don't know that. I mean, I know he wants a family eventually, but he might not want one this soon, I guess I just feel like the timing is all wrong. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. We should have been married before we got pregnant. I don't want him to be disappointed."

Alice hugged me tightly and chuckled. "Well, it's a little late for that, don't you think? You can't just NOT tell him and hope it'll go away. Listen, I know how anal-retentive you are and how much you like to plan things out to the hilt, but life isn't like that. Things happen, and as much as you hate being out of control, it'll be okay. You'll see; he'll be happy. Promise me that you'll tell him tonight."

I nodded nervously, not wanting Alice to spend her wedding night worrying about me, and we walked out into the main room again.

Edward caught my eye and smiled. He held two glasses of champagne and offered one to me as he walked up, putting his newly freed hand around my waist.

"There you are," he cooed as he kissed my cheek.

I looked down at the champagne and winced. I needed to tell him. This was getting out of control. I'd gotten away with not drinking at the rehearsal dinner, pretending that my morning sickness was an actual illness. Edward took care of me and I felt awful lying to him, even if it was only a lie of omission.

"Can we go outside and talk?" I asked, the nerves in my already upset stomach wreaking havoc on me.

He escorted me to a beautiful patio, with more twinkle lights and candles lighting our way. The view from the patio was amazing. The moonlight bounced off the water and shimmered like diamonds. Heat poured down from several heating lamps, which were strategically placed by the tables.

I leaned against the railing and felt like I was going to throw up.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Edward asked, sensing my uneasiness. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah…I just…there's something I need to tell you." I could barely get the words out of my mouth.

_Why am I so nervous? It's just Edward._

"What is it?" The worry was now plainly visible on Edward's face too. "Should I be concerned?"

_Clearly, he already is concerned. Just tell him._

"Well…it's just that…I know we said we were going to wait…and I know that the timing stinks…but I swear I didn't mean…I hope you're not upset…"

"Bella," he said, cutting me off as his hands gripped my arms. "You're rambling. Calm down and just tell me what's bothering you."

I looked down at the space in between us and sighed. He was right. I was rambling.

"I'm pregnant." The words hung in the air and I suddenly became very aware of everything about Edward. How he stood. How he breathed. How he looked.

_He looks like he just got punched in the gut. Damage control, Bella._

The tears fell from my eyes before I could even think. He was disappointed.

"Edward, I didn't know this was going to happen. I'm sorry. I know the timing is terrible, but we can make it work. I know you're disappointed…"

"Disappointed?" Edward asked, confused. "You think I'm disappointed?"

He stared at me incredulously, waiting for my response.

"Well, aren't you?"

He threw his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug. "No, Bella. I'm not disappointed. Stunned, maybe. Surprised, definitely. But, not disappointed."

I pulled back and could see the most beautiful smile on his face. He placed his hands on either side of my face and kissed me softly. "How could I be disappointed that you're going to be the mother of my child? Do you have any idea how happy that makes me?"

I felt a flurry of relief wash through my body. "Are you sure? I know we said that we were going to wait. I honestly don't know how it happened."

Edward chuckled, wiggling his eyebrows at me with a smirk. "I'd be happy to show you what we did to make this happen."

His expression turned serious as he continued. "Honestly, Bella, it's a little earlier than we wanted, but that's okay. At the end of all this, we'll have a perfect little baby, and that makes it wonderful. Don't worry about me. We'll get through this together, just like everything else we do."

I fell into his arms again and was immediately engulfed by him, his strong, capable hands reassuring me that things would be okay.

"I love you, Edward," I said, clutching his suit jacket.

"I love you, too," he answered, then pulled back and bent to kiss my stomach. "You too."

* * *

"Bella, we're going to be late," Alice said as she knocked on the bathroom door of my hotel suite. "Seriously, everyone's going to be there already."

I put the last finishing touches on my hair and opened the door to reveal a very feisty Alice.

She gasped when she saw me. "Oh Bella, you look so beautiful! Edward's going to flip!"

I smiled, loving her enthusiasm and encouragement. I had to admit that I could look pretty good when I really tried.

My dress was casual, as was befitting a beach wedding. It had a beaded bodice with delicate spaghetti straps and an empire waist, which nicely hid my blooming belly. The skirt was chiffon that flowed loosely to my mid-calf. I wore my hair pulled back from my face, but down in the back with loose curls and a waist length veil that cascaded down my back.

Alice and Rosalie, my other bridesmaid, wore pale blue strapless dresses.

"I've got your bouquet," Alice said, shuttling me out the door.

We shuffled to the beach site, and sure enough there was a crowd starting to gather.

My dad caught my eye and walked over to me, kissing me on the cheek.

"I was beginning to worry about you. You look beautiful, honey. You ready to get this show on the road?" he asked. He was a man of few words, but I could see how hard this day was for him written all over his face.

"Ready as I'll ever be," I said, trying to calm both of our nerves.

I was incredibly nervous. I had been fine all morning. As long as I kept busy, I was good. But now, people were gathering, the afternoon was waning, and it was really time to do this.

My dad, Alice, Rosalie and I stayed off to the side to avoid being seen by the guests. The guitarist played soft music as the guests began to take their seats and the guys lined up in the front. I couldn't see Edward, which was just as well, since I knew once I saw him, I wouldn't be able to stop the tears.

I heard the familiar sounds of Pachebel's Canon in D major, which was Rosalie's cue to walk. She looked like a goddess with her flowing blond hair as she walked down the makeshift aisle. Next, it was Alice's turn.

Then it was just my dad and me.

The song ended and Bach's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring started, signaling my turn.

I clutched my dad's arm with one hand, while the other clung to my white orchid bouquet.

_I'm really doing this._

I couldn't see Edward's face well through the small crowd, who had all stood and turned to see me walk down the aisle. I could, however, see his white pants and silky blue button down top blowing in the wind and with each step, he came clearer into my view. As much as I loved Edward in his dress uniform, he'd wanted to be casual for this and I couldn't refuse him anything. As I made my way toward him, I noticed the smile on his face, beaming from ear to ear. But there was another emotion there as well. He was nervous. No one would have had any idea except me. I knew his face so well, though. I knew the way his lips twitched ever so slightly and the way his cheeks trembled, that this moment was as emotional for him as it was for me.

He stepped forward and took my arm and we both took a moment to take everything in, calming in each other's presence.

"You look stunning," he whispered as he leaned in to kiss me lightly on the cheek.

I felt the blush creep onto my face as I held onto him for dear life.

The officiant began reciting the vows we'd written, and I tried to listen to every word, but all I could think about was the amazing man next to me and how our long, and sometimes scary, journey had brought us to this place.

I listened as Edward promised me that he would love me for the rest of our lives, and I truly felt his sincerity. I felt the emotions as he spoke of supporting one another through the good times and the bad times. I saw the smile come over his face as the officiant talked about the importance of family and the small glances Edward made toward my belly.

I had always thought of myself as a planner. I was anal-retentive and organized and I worked in a field that had distinct right or wrong answers. Banking demanded precision. There was no room for interpretation. It suited me. Everything in my world was black and white.

Then one night out with Alice changed all of that. She forced me to step outside my comfort zone and be open-minded, and that had led me to Edward, and ultimately to this place.

I remembered so distinctly when I met him. I thought I could tell what kind of person he was by looking at him. I thought I had him figured out. I wasn't even nice to him that first night, which made me ashamed. I had been annoyed at Alice for leaving me stranded with a stranger. But he surprised and intrigued me, pulling me from my self-imposed shell. And then he deployed and I thought that might be the end of us. How tragic to end before we even really got started.

But once again, he surprised me with his caring words. His emails sustained me all those months and despite having weathered multiple deployments and months of separation that had led us to this point, I would have done it all over again in a heartbeat. Edward was my rock. My everything. We were each other's strength.

I remembered when he first kissed me, standing in front of the couch in my old apartment. My stomach was in knots and I melted under his touch. He was so confident, yet so unsure. Neither of us knew what the other person wanted and we didn't want to rock the boat. As I looked back on that, I remembered how badly I'd wanted him to kiss me before he left on that first deployment, but how worth it the waiting had been when he finally did. It was the most perfect beginning to a wonderful relationship.

We finished reciting our vows and Edward slid my wedding band onto my finger for the first time, and I did the same for him. We were bound to each other.

"By the power vested in me by the state of Hawaii, I now pronounce you husband and wife."

_Husband and wife._

The crowd clapped as we kissed and finally the officiant began to speak again. "I'm thrilled to introduce to you for the first time, Edward and Bella Cullen."

Edward clasped my hand and squeezed it tightly as we walked up the aisle, my longing for this moment from Alice's wedding seeming like a lifetime ago.

"Bella Cullen," Edward whispered into my ear. "I like the way that sounds."

I chuckled and pulled him into a hug as we reached the nearby garden.

"I'll always be yours," I said, my voice filled with emotion.

"No matter where I am, Bella, even if I'm on the other side of the world, you'll always have my heart. That'll never change. We're a family now."

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**A/N: *sniff* I'm so sad that this is over. It's been an amazing journey and I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did. My readers make this all worthwhile, so thank you for the support. **

**A big thanks to The Fictionators for featuring AWA on their blog this week and to Whitney Love, Sweet Dulcinea and Kassiah for their awesome reviews. Also, thanks to SabLuvsLogan for rec'ing me on Edwardville. *muah***

**If you haven't reviewed yet, please do take a minute and let me know what you thought now that it's over. **

**Also, if you haven't read the outtake from chapter 1 yet, check out my profile. It's from EPOV, so I think you'll like it. **

**In my profile is a link to the Twilighted thread for AWA. I'm going to post all the wedding pics there, so stop by and check them out.**

**My next story is in the works. I'm just working through a few things and then I'll get it posted. I hope you'll all stick with me for that one as well. Be sure I'm on Author Alert so you'll be notified. **

**Many thanks to scsquared and TwiHart, my betas. You guys are so awesome and always set me straight! I also really appreciate the input and advice of my pre-readers- ellierk, Sunfeathers and jermak99. **


	19. Chapter 19 Daddy

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. **

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**Chapter 19: Epilogue- Daddy**

**EPOV**

When Bella told me that she was pregnant, the fear almost overtook me. The only reason I was able to keep my fears in check that night was because of how worried Bella had been about telling me. She clearly thought that I was going to be upset. I felt horrible that she'd been bearing the burden of this secret because of me.

Still, I had never been around babies. The idea of me being a father was so scary to me. I'd never even known my own father and had no idea how to be one. I wanted to think that I'd be okay, but honestly I wasn't confident. Not a comfortable feeling for me.

After the first ultrasound, where I could hear the heart beating in Bella's belly, it didn't matter anymore. I already loved that baby with everything I had, and the fact that Bella was its mom solidified it for me.

Bella's body changed almost as often as her moods. I swore one minute I'd look at her and the next minute, she'd look bigger but always so beautiful. She started feeling the baby kick and the blissful look on her face when it happened made me get extremely excited to meet this little one, who already seemed to have quite a good relationship with Bella.

I'd heard that pregnant women glowed and there was definitely truth to it. It was definitely what Bella was meant to do and she looked amazing. Of course, she felt dumpy and unattractive and there was no convincing her otherwise, despite my telling her or showing her as often as she would let me. There was just something so incredibly sexy and alluring about her carrying our child. All I knew was that my body craved her.

I got the news about my deployment when Bella was about 19 weeks along. She was incredibly disappointed that I wasn't going to get to go to the 'big' ultrasound with her, but assured me that she'd scan all the pictures and email them to me.

This deployment was only six weeks, but I hated that I had to leave her when she was pregnant. It worried me tremendously.

"What if something happens to you?" I said softly as I pulled her into a hug and pressed my forehead against hers. "I couldn't handle it."

"Hey," she said, using her fingers on my chin to life my face to meet her gaze. "We've done this before. Nothing's going to happen to me. Besides, I have Alice here and my dad. We'll be okay."

Bella rubbed her belly as she said 'we' and it made me smile.

_My family. _

"I know you're right…I just…I can't lose you."

"You won't. Just promise me that you'll be careful and come home to us," she said as she kissed me gently.

"I will." I reached down and grabbed my bag and kissed Bella one last time, then kissed her belly. "I'll write when I get there."

The date was April 29th. Six weeks to go.

* * *

I hated leaving her behind, especially since she was pregnant. Bella was strong and healthy but I couldn't help but worry.

The plane ride was long and tiring and I couldn't sleep at all. Jasper tried to reassure me that the trip would go by quickly, but it wouldn't be quick enough.

It was well into the next day when we finally arrived at the base that would serve as our home for the next month and a half. I was hot and sticky and needed a shower, but before I could do anything, I needed to let Bella know I was safe. I knew she worried about me when I was gone, and stress was bad for the baby.

_April 30th_

_To: Bella Cullen_

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Arrived Safely _

_This is the first opportunity I've had to write you. The trip was long and I couldn't stop thinking about you and the baby. I'm so sorry I'm not there to help you. It feels wrong to leave you in your condition._

_Write soon. I love you. Be sure to tell the baby that daddy loves him (yes, I've decided it's a him)._

_Love, _

_Edward_

I closed my computer and was finally able to close my eyes and get some rest.

By the next morning, there was already an email from Bella in my Inbox.

_May 1st_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_From: Bella Cullen_

_Subject: My Condition? _

_You crack me up with all your talk about me and "my condition". I'm pregnant, not mentally ill, but thank you for thinking of us. I have my big ultrasound in a few days and can't wait. I know we couldn't decide if we should find out the sex. Should we? I kind of feel like we should wait since you won't be here. Then we will both be surprised together._

_Anyway, I'll be sure to tell your daughter that you love her (yes, I'm convinced it's a girl). _

_Be safe. _

_Love, _

_Bella_

I laughed when I saw her email. We decided after that to wait on the sex. It would be something special for us when the baby was born.

Jasper was right about this deployment. We were incredibly busy during the day, so I had little time to worry about Bella. They days flew by. Bella assured me that she and 'bun' were fine. I had named the baby 'bun', which was derived from 'bun in the oven', since it was easier than calling it "it" or "the baby".

I arrived on the landing strip on a warm, yet overcast June afternoon. Bella stood there with a sign over her head that read "Welcome Home, Daddy."

I had never loved her more.

I pulled her into my arms and kissed her passionately, mindful of her belly, which had grown considerably since I'd left.

I leaned down, kissed her belly and spoke in a whisper against it. "Hi, bun. Daddy's happy to be home. I missed you and Mommy so much."

"Come on," she said, throwing her arm around me as we walked, "Let's go home."

* * *

"Edward," Bella said frantically, as she shook me awake. "Edward!"

I rolled over, opening my eyes while trying to adjust to being awoken so abruptly.

"Is everything okay?" I asked sleepily.

"My water broke, and I've been having contractions for about an hour," she said bluntly.

_Holy shit! _

I stood up; adrenaline suddenly coursing through me as I quickly gathered all of our things. We'd been packed for nearly two weeks, but our toiletries were all over the place.

Bella was calm as she breathed through each contraction. She was a champion and I was so fucking proud of her.

We arrived at the hospital; they hooked Bella up to all sorts of machines, and soon after we were moved to a private room.

Bella's labor had been quick, so by the time we got there, she was already five centimeters dilated and in quite a bit of pain. I wished I could take away her pain, but all I could do was be supportive. She was so much stronger than I could ever be and she was enduring this pain for us; so that we could have a family. She was amazing.

They finally gave her the epidural and that made Bella relax quite a bit, which in turn, made me relax.

"So, I understand we're ready for a baby in here," Dr. Gerandy said cheerfully as he walked into the room.

"You have no idea," Bella said sarcastically, but I could see that she was as nervous as I was.

They wheeled in lights and a bunch of other equipment and soon it was time for Bella to push.

Once again, I was reminded of how strong my girl was. Considering I was a SEAL and trained to be tough, I felt humbled by Bella. She was totally focused and determined.

"Come on, Bella, don't give up now," Dr. Gerandy called. "The baby's almost here."

Bella steeled her resolve as she clung to my hands and pushed hard, while I counted to ten.

She screamed loudly and then I heard it.

Crying.

I spun my head around as Dr. Gerandy pulled the baby up so we could see.

"Congratulations! You have a son."

_A son. _

I would never be able to describe the emotions I felt at that moment. Nothing else mattered to me except my beautiful wife and my new son. Bella had given me everything and I could never express how much I loved her in that moment.

Dr. Gerandy rested the baby on Bella's chest, which was heaving from her sobs and exertion. She clung to my hand and I couldn't stop the tears from falling.

I couldn't remember the last time that I had cried. It must have been when I was a child. Yet, witnessing the birth of my son was the single most emotional and incredible thing I'd ever witnessed. I was completely overwhelmed.

"Charles Edward Cullen," Bella said with a wide smile. "We've been waiting a long time to meet you."

* * *

This deployment had been different, incredibly hard. Not only was it a six month leave, but I got the orders after having only been home for five months. It seemed like I had spent more time away in the last year than I had at home. It was hard on all of us.

Leaving Charlie and Bella behind was excruciating. I missed them tremendously. Not only had I left them, but also my daughter, Elizabeth, had been born while I was away. Bella sent videos and whenever possible, we Skyped each other. But, I had never met Elizabeth and I was dying to see my family.

I had received the good news that I'd been made a SEAL trainer, which would mean no more long deployments. This deployment had been so hard on us, and I was thrilled that I wouldn't have to make a habit out of leaving my family for extended periods of time. Being a parent motivated me to make changes in my life so that we could be together more. I hadn't told Bella yet, and I couldn't wait to break the news to her.

Charlie's little arms around me snapped me out of my reverie; as I was engulfed in a huge bear hug practically the minute I got off the ship.

I pulled him to me and gripped him tightly, noticing how big he'd gotten. "Hey buddy," I said then kissed him over and over. "I'm so happy to see you. I missed you so much. Have you been a good boy for mommy?"

He nodded and looked at me with a huge toothy smile. He looked so much like Bella. He had her deep eyes and wavy brown hair. His smile made me melt. I had to admit that Bella and I made some pretty cute kids.

"Mommy has a surprise for you at home. We put up balloons and we made a cake for you, but I'm not supposed to tell you."

Five-year olds. Gotta love 'em.

I set him down and ruffled his hair as he stayed by my side, clinging to my leg. Bella was walking over to me, pushing a stroller in front of her. I was so nervous and anxious to meet Elizabeth for some reason. I was actually shaking as they approached. What if she didn't like me? What if she didn't know that I was her daddy? I knew, of course, that she was a baby and would eventually come to know me, but it was strange to be meeting my own daughter like this, well after she had been born.

The last time I saw Bella she was pregnant, my frayed nerves calmed instantly as soon as I held her in my arms. As I kissed Bella, I instinctively spun us around, relishing in the feeling of her in my arms again.

"I missed you so much," I said in between kisses. "And look at you! You look great."

"I don't know about that. Elizabeth is still getting up at night, so I haven't been running on all cylinders."

"Trust me, you look gorgeous. You always do."

She bent down to the stroller and unbuckled the straps.

"Well, look who's awake?" Bella said, cooing into the seat. "You want to meet your daddy?"

I was a bundle of nerves and felt like I would spontaneously combust at any moment. I had missed my precious daughter's birth, but she would know her daddy loved her. I would make sure of that.

Bella lifted her out and handed her to me. She was tiny and it had felt like a lifetime ago when Charlie was that small. I could barely even recall how it felt to have something so small in my arms. Bella had dressed her in a delicate white dress and a headband that had a bow on it, which tamed her soft brown hair. She had on little white socks with lace around the edge.

"Well hello there, Elizabeth," I said as I gently kissed her forehead and outstretched my finger so she could grab it. "Daddy's home and I love you so much."

I looked up at Bella with tears in my eyes. "She's so beautiful."

"She looks like her daddy," she said.

"I love you so much," I said, pulling Bella into my side as I held Elizabeth while Charlie still clung to my side.

"Let's go home," Bella said.

Gladly.

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**A/N: Okay, so I know I said that that the previous chapter was it, but I got so many requests for Daddyward, that I couldn't help but oblige. I hope you enjoyed this! This is for all you who reviewed and pushed me to write this!**

**Thanks for all the support! I'm going to miss this story so much. My betas and pre-readers helped a ton with this one. Also, I've got to give a shout out to Whitney Love, who stepped in to help so I could get this posted.**

**My new story, **_**Surviving the Rain**_**, just went up and chapter 3 is going to be posted this week. **

**Here's the summary: **

**Extreme circumstances force Bella and Edward into an intense relationship amidst devastation, but will their foundation be enough to survive reality? **

**I hope you'll come check it out! **

**Thanks again!**


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